Sunday, September 14, 2014

Lovestruck, story of a handsome idiot with a broken tooth

Duck, uppercut to the body. Body hook and perfect skip the left, followed by a left hook to the jaw. Low kick to the left leg, he loses balance. Jab, cross, skip, left hook, double uppercut.

Good leg block, teeth grinding. Spider-sense tingling. Jab to my face. I block but i hear a tiny crack. I spit out a part of my tooth. I keep fighting, because I am an idiot. And i never give up but whatever.

Second round, different guy. Reminds me of Gougo. Taller, slimmer and long hands. He looks more relaxed. I am an idiot because my style is aggressive. And i got no mouth guard. We exchange punches, i can take him down in a fight, his legs are more vulnerable, i can score points. I get up close, bam, uppercut to the body, bam to the head, i get a couple of hooks on my forehead. We are trading punches up close. Then he knees me in the face 3 times. My lips gashing red, i can taste my own blood, but i keep going. Good round.

Next, an MMA fighter with a really shitty head defense. Good kicks. We trade punches, i can hear the audience liking my style. Aggressive, with a swagger and nerve unseen in that gym. Especially for a guy like me. I hit him really hard with a left hook. Precise. I was called "the doctor" back home for my "surgical" precision.

He throws a cross and i feel a bigger crack. I spit blood and a bigger part of my tooth. I have to retire. Memories of my childhood pass in front of me. Unpleasant ones. Once an idiot, always in idiot Kostas. At least you were a handsome idiot, now you just miss 1/5th of your tooth.

I change and race in the streets of Uppsala to find a dentist. Nobody seems to know where to go. Idiots. I get Marley and stop a lady in the street. Cute outfit, her early 40's, nice skin complex. Married. Why do i notice these stuff?

She googles some doctor and a number for me. Thank you. It did not help. I move on and ask strange people while my shirt is like a crimson river of pain. One guy asks me where i got that blood make up. Really you baboon?

I bike towards the hospital. I pretend to lock Marley because i do not have a lock and i get in building 60 with the general information. Helpful ladies give me a map with where i should go. Ι call everyone, my sweet Amy helps me as well as Jim, thanks for that! I bike home, feeling my tooth, my lips swollen from the cut.

I arrange a meeting with Axel and his gf Philippa, we go to OG nation, i hide Marley and we pay 60 crowns entry. It's a bit empty but it's ok. We see a weird dude, then more weird dudes. I spot the Joker gliding drunk down a dungeon in the caves of S&M.

He brought this from England. Why yarr mate?

Why? Why not.

A swede/chinese friend buys us vodka and gin. We meet some more Swedes, i eyeball some pretty ladies, and eventually we sort of danced in the room that smelled like a mix of fart and sweat. We went at Max's, we ate crap and i spent most of the time outside sitting on Marley, listening to a homeless dude playing a small harmonium. My eyes were red and the wind was blowing in my face. It was actually pretty serene.

I bike home. I sleep to submission.

It's saturday now. I can't crawl out of bed. My russian angel actually worried, even though she did not pick up the phone. She helps me with the swedish instructions and tells me where to go fix my tooth. Thank you sweetie.

It's Kulturnatten, and everyone is going to see the big bike jump up the ramp downtown. I just die in my bed, set up a meeting with Kevin Fuckthegovernment at 18:00. I wake up at 17:45, the bus leaves at 17:55. I get dressed, i race towards the stop. Bus is late 20 minutes and leaves me far away from Norrlands.

The handsome girl from the states messages me that they are in the pub. I get there and there are a bunch of people, Phoebe, Kevin, Andrew, Gregor, Laura, Cecilia, Caitlin, later joined by others. I entertain them a bit, then 3 girls come and sit on our table. The blonde one on the left looks at me for 5 seconds straight in the eyes and gives me a devilish look. You messed with the wrong greek.

I decided i liked her so i casually shouted:

"Pretty girl, take a photo of us!"

Everytime we are the best!
She takes the photos, i remove the flash and she takes more. I stamp my authority and we take a picture together. Because i can. The others laugh, probably because they don't see someone being so direct as me.
Me and the Norwegian cutie.
Skipping the details, Theresa from Norway leaves, and i don't ask for her number. Too much social pressure. People leave, people come. Ridhima, Crystal, Danika join us. Ridhima is so cute and exotic, she is my new protege. I sent her some really honest and sweet words today.

They leave and on the way out i see my angel. I am in a crappy mood. Depressed, feeling alone. I follow her and her nepalese friend around to a russian Katushka event. It sucks. 4 crazy russians dancing in a big dancefloor and the DJ probably on crack, speed and ecstasy.

I hug her as she leaves and wonder around the streets of Uppsala alone until Danika comes around 10:30. I find the bar we will go. I go in showing my ID, because I am old. She cannot get in, the age limit is 23.

She is pissed off, we walk towards the balkan music event. We pass through an arabic concert and we try to blend in. We cannot but it's hilarious. The line is massive at the balkan event. Raymon joins us as i unravel the mysteries of my past and i make fun of the friend-zoned asian in front of us. Danika needs alcohol so we go towards town. We see a club called Allstar.

The world's loneliest DJ.
We join the queue, it's shit, but it's supposed to have 3 floors. Entry is 100 crowns. What the hell, we talk to a guy Sam from New York, who supposedly found a job in Sweden and came to check it out for the weekend. Let's just call him Forever Alone guy for now, or FA. We get in, get stamped like cattle with a shiny wristband. They give their stuff to the coat area but i keep mine.

We buy 3 beers and sit down in a corner. Danika is freezing so i pass her my coat. Next to us there are some people with a long shiny-color changing thing that they use to jerk off virtually and put it in their mouths like it's a penis. That was just sad and amusing. More beers. The music was a mix of Macarena and Freestyler.

BRRRR, the cold in the club.
Oh wait, the dance floor opened. Suddenly the club was like a strip show for lonely men. I called it the Silicon Valley, all the strippers had breast implants. It's ok Danika, we like yours too.

Silicon Valley, in Sweden

To be or not to be?
FA joins us in the table along with a really weird dude with bracers. Let's call him Richard Virgin. FA buys us jager shots. We stand up and dance while the strippers shoot some airguns that Raymon really wants to try. After some ridiculous dancing everything leads to Max's.

Bracers guy and...someone?
I am tipsy and i see creepy people in the entrance. I take pictures with them. Because i can. I tell Helen to F$#$ off and i order a triple cheese burger. I'm off to the bus, i make it home. I sleep. Oblivious.

Helen the creep, at MAX's.
Snap back Kostas, it's 9 am. I dress, take the bus and go to the Dentist's. I find a cougar lady and we go together. She is mid 30's, tired skin, boobs ready to explode. French accent, nice legs. Probably two kids. We register and an Ugandan dude without insurance joins us. I sleep for 4 hours and it's my turn.

Not the best thing to see when you enter a dentist's office.
I fix my teeth. The doctor speaks crappy english but does a good job. He asked me if i am satisfied. I said no and guided him. He fixed everything and told me that it's not enough for me to be satisfied, he needs to be satisfied too. Thank you doctor and the health system here. They took good care of me and did a great job. 2161 crowns up my ass.

Peaceful guy waiting for his turn. Snoring like a bear.
I go to ICA, buy some crap, get the bus, go home, write this article and die until tomorrow. I will wake up at 8ish.

Oh, certain American chocolate loving lady: "I like you".

Apparently you noticed that i did not talk about Thursday night. I was left alone for 3 hours, then Amy showed up with Axel and a smashed Ridhima. We settled down in Upplands with 12 swedish girls, one speaking perfect chinese and Mathilda being the lead singer. Can you believe they actually sang my number one?

Swedish extravaganza.
So the highlight of the night was Axel's magic flask, me and Harmeet wrecking havoc as usual. Oh on my way back i saw a girl shitting in the forest outside Carolina Rediviva and her boyfriend casually sitting next to her smelling the goods. No i don't have a picture of that.

Goodnight Sweden. Shit high and watch.

PS. Я буду думать о тебе мой ангел :*

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