Saturday, March 17, 2018

"Love passes with love"

Isn't that right Sarah? I don't know if you found it, but I can still see you.

Everything is alright. Everything is going to be alright. 

The land of tears is mysterious. I visited her often, and that's on me.
Every time i get lost inside my thoughts..I get crazy...
It is not nice...

I do not laugh often. I am like ice, waiting to break. My love was stood up in the Airport to Canada.
I shut my self in isolation, saving strength in my heart for my metamorphosis.
I learned to give love, don't be afraid. I will be there if you need me, remember that...
I never pretended, I never played with feelings and I have a reason for that.
Remember, I will be with you to the end of the line, I will be next to you if you stay close to me.
Every time that I get lost, I come back and tread and i wipe out the fears so you are not afraid.

Everyone that wants to stay close to me and give love, stand by me to pass all the difficulties together,
to harness love and kill the fear.
I seek love, passion, scorching hot hugs and kisses..
Don't fuck my heart, I am just a kid...

I have wounds by so many,
my Aurora, you got lost, my friend, you got lost...
I write whatever I feel, sorry but I cannot hold it back...
Show me a me at least that there is still something me, so I can close this chapter...

Don't cry...everything is going to be ok. Don't be scared. I am with you to the end of the line..


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Strength forged through sacrifice

Again and again the same questions.

"When does someone truly love me?"

"How should I know, how should I make sure?"
"I am afraid I will be hurt again, I should not open up to others"

And many, many more.

I am not sure about you, but I do not have standards about that and neither should you. In the end, it is just a feeling and every human being (which is your, unknown weird reader from every corner of the world) feels that this person beside me or this person in this city, or this person 6350 kilometres away from me is special and you truly love them.

All you need to do is take a look at animals and more specifically dogs, who love unconditionally and will be by your side no matter what, no matter the hardships. They will not abandon you.

Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

Unfortunately this is how it usually goes. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. And sometimes I wonder if love exists just to reminds us how much the human soul can endure. But it is better to have loved and experienced love and lost it than never to have loved at all.

The hottest love, has the coldest end. And the last one was scorching hot. But it never dies a natural death. We just are unable to replenish the source. It dies from betrayal, weakness, fear and errors. It dies from weariness and sorrow.

In more good news (finally), I am getting back to normal. If only my favourite radio station was not playing just sad songs all the time, it would be great. Then again most of the 70's, 80's and 90's songs are like that right?!

I finally finished my Swedish exams and there is no higher level. One year of hard work. One year of unending continuous trying. What a nice feeling. I went out last Friday and Saturday and even had pizza on Sunday. Every place I love in Stockholm now has its own memories. Is that good or bad? It feels like yesterday when she was there eating pizza folded like a sandwich and I was taking pictures. Oh, and I can still see you.

I will focus on myself now again. Done with relationships and sounding needy and desperate. As usual, I am ascending again after a big fall. But was it so big? I guess nothing compared to Niki. It took me 2 years to finally say her name here again, but finally I am not afraid anymore. The only difference is that I was sure this time about my feelings towards little Aurora. I guess little Aurora, with her tiny paws, tiny glasses and tiny ears let me be myself for a few months. I keep having that phrase repeated "I feel so lonely". Well I felt/feel lonely and betrayed too.

Until we "meet" again little Aurora.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Alone in the dark

I am alone. We are alone. We are not meant to be like that.

My day is a barren, empty yellow day. The clouds are looming grey above me in the Stockholm sky and while there is a glimmer of hope, nobody knows the ongoing struggle in my head. People walk past me with their own issues and they will never really care or wonder why does that man look so sad and plunged into lethe.

My day is a barren yellow day,

Joys that sank

Chocked joys of mine.

My life that burns,

in the yellow air

and the love that was lost in the dust,

the life that was lost in the dust...

I can see you. I can sense you. I find myself in random times for no apparent reason whispering "I loved you so much" in this last crescendo of emotions that has engulfed me.

A week has passed and there is no sign. Everything is getting better. Everything is going to be better, but I cannot help but to grief for lost love. A love that needed two people to dance in the same tune, but ended up having just one dancing alone with the air.

Yesterday I had my Swedish national language exam and the ones I call my friends ignored me or sat somewhere else. It is true that everyone must fend of for themselves and that when you are grieving with sorrow you are not welcome into anyone's life or day. I did not expect them to hold my hand, but I expect them to ask me how I am, even as a placebo.

I once made a friend in Uppsala, a girl that we always had this hidden tension between us until she told me about it later but only after she returned to her native Dhaka. In my time of need I have always worried about her and turned to her, looking for some warmth and a familiar feeling, someone I really wanted to talk to and just let go. And time and again, she has rejected it, probably because of her own issues, but having your own issues is another thing, ignoring and not replying is another. And this was the last stroke, I am nobody's toy or last wheel.

Canada has been haunting me. I listen to a football radio, they talk about Toronto. I watch my favourite YouTube computer tech show, i find out he is based in Toronto. I go into the bathroom, I see her ghost, lying there seductively against the window while the mist from the warm water washes it away. I lost my money, my dignity, my pride and my heart. My head is a mess and my life is in tatters.

I can see you. I can see you right now, terrified and afraid. But it is ok. I forgive you. Because no matter how much it hurts, you do not hate people you loved. Even though they disappeared without a trace and blocked you completely from their lives. I always wondered how can you flip the love switch from on to off in a moment.

In my previous post I said I ran away. I was wrong. You were the one that ran away. Instead of sitting there, talking with me about it, solving it and after a time of healing, accept it, become friends and one day, we would discuss it and just laugh about it. I am 30 years old and all I wanted was you to be my girlfriend.

I am 30, addressing myself to a scared teen. I can see you. No matter the blocks, no matter the unfollows, no matter the long text you sent before your actions, I will always see you. And maybe one day you will send me something, open your heart once more, greet each others as old friends and run towards the sunset.

"I am with you till the end of the line"

Thursday, March 1, 2018

6350 kilometers

I can’t breathe. 

Don’t let me wake up tomorrow. Give me the drug, keep me alive, give me what's left of my life.

Don't let me go. Don’t let go. Pull this plug, let me breathe.
On my own I'm finally free

Don't let me go. Don’t let us go.

I can’t breathe. Choking on my own air, trying to make it past this week. Nightmares and sweat of lost opportunities.

I can’t breathe.

Moments of calm. Nothing left to be found. I wake up and go in the bathroom.

I can’t breathe.

A mirror right in front of me and that’s where I find an empty glass, reflecting the sad truth
It's telling words not to be told
I need the mask. I need my mask back.

I can’t breathe baby.

I can't tell you how to see me. I am just a cage of bones with nothing inside. Is there a way for me to break?

I can’t breathe.

With auburn hair and blue eyes, the kind of eyes they hypnotized me through.

I can’t breathe.

I ran all night and day, I couldn’t get away.

Aurora comes in view. And I ran so far away. I just ran again. I ran all night and day.

Reached out my hand to touch your face, you started disappearing from my view. Reached out my hand to try again. I just ran. I ran all night and day. So far away. I couldn’t get away.

I can’t breathe baby. I can’t breathe...

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

It's a sleepless night

It's a sleepless night, she's calling your name.

It's a lonely ride, I know you want her.

Again and again you are chasing a dream.

But Kostas my friend, it's not what it seems.

Just open your eyes, and listen to me.

Her kiss is her poison, forever inside you, wherever you go.

What a way to start 2018. Sitting at work, listening to my lovely late 80's tunes and writing weird blog posts like these.

However, I must admit that everything is rather well. I came back from my holiday vacations and I did not gain a single gram of weight while enjoying the delicious Greek food that I missed so dearly, especially seafood. Yum!

I have been a bit behind my training but that is also alright, my body needed a break and I need to recapture my motivation and start off strong once again. Last year was a landmark in my life and I have vowed to continue. 2018 is going to be my year. The year of the fox. Or scorpion, I just made it up, it sounds slightly poetical and corny. I like corn.

Sipping my tea, why can't you see, oh Johnny B. It is green with a little touch of honey to spice up the flavor a little. In the second screen, Bad Boys is playing on Netflix while I am taking my notes. I got upgraded to equipment manager you see and that means I have to go downstairs in the basement where everything is a big mess and try to shape things up. And that I will do.

The best thing about the basement is that nobody can disturb me and I can work in peace. And even better, I can put on the old fashioned cassette player that has some beautiful rock n' roll tunes from the 60's and 70's and the lyrics actually have some sort of meanings when you compare them to today's music.

I keep thinking about a few things that I want to buy for myself. One is a gaming computer, something that I have solely missed since 2010. The other thing is a beautiful OLED TV by LG that I am most likely going to get later in the year when the prices plummet once again "Insert evil laughter here". The last thing is a car, that would come in the end of 2018 or maybe early 2019. Nothing fancy, something to move me around without having to depend all the time on transport times and very expensive monthly travel tickets. I am looking at you SL Stockholm. Looking is an understatement, I am glaring.

I have a visitor next week. It has been a rough few days of communication between us due to some recently discussed events that have impacted the nature of our relationship severely. But in the end I believe it is the correct decision for both of us and unfortunately, no matter how much I would like it to work and would have moved mountains and the world to make it happen (as we tried) I cannot force anyone to do something that they do not want.

We would pretend, build our rocket ships and then fly them away, destination moon, destination unknown, destination limitless. Dogs, cats, names, activities. My friend once asked me if I was a masochist. Could it be that I secretly enjoy the pain, the failure and the emotions that come with it? Could I be Johnny B?

It's gonna be alright. We are going to have a fabulous time. And I am going to meet my best friends on Monday as well in Swedish class. Did I mention that I am starting again Russian next month to finish my diplomas? How about Finnish too? I guess I am a masochist. But then again, Johnny B, I thrive on pressure in a sadistic way.

How has your 2018 been so far? Don't be shy, leave a long awaited comment. Are you a Johnny B too? Or maybe you are just interested in my beautiful animal pictures in my Instagram. I am not going to spam my profile but my name there is kostasgoesabroad. Original I know.

This is going to be my year and I am going to fill in the last parts of my puzzle. The last few years have been some sort of a Jenga tower, always ready to fall when something happened and rocked the foundations. If you do not know what a Jenga tower is:

1) You are too young
2) You spend too much time on Instagram, Facebook or Phone
3) You are too young
4) You have never played some kind of boardgame
5) Meow (I just felt like adding a meow and wasted your time by making you read this whole sentence)

I will go back to being Johnny B now. But this time I will try to pay attention when the green light turns to green.

This all might sound grim or bleak or negative, but it is actually rather positive. If you are healthy, have a decent job, a home and someone to love, you have everything to be happy and successful. So look yourself in the mirror, set some goals for the year and reach them one by one. You are awesome.

Happy new year!

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

The lowest depths, the highest heights

Can you believe that 2017 is over already and Christmas is upon us?

Can you believe that this tiny little blog that nobody really cares about has reached its 150th post and is nearing 4 years old?

What a hard year it has been, starting up in the lowest depths possible reaching a career low before May. Then, I decided to make change happen. I set myself goals and I am proud to say that I have hit them all by the end of 2017. Now I have a chance to actually work with what I studied, people believe in me and trust me, I look and feel better than ever and I do not have to think about my daily survival again. Onward to the highest heights.

Because I am Mediterranean though, there are always going to be a few worries, complaints, name them however you want. I can't stop some thoughts bleeding into my head. I can block them or accept them when I am awake, I can laugh at them or just smile or shed a tear in nostalgia but that is it. I cannot do something when I am sleeping.

If anyone has followed my dream diaries here they would know how much they affect me or how real they are. Sometimes it is mind-boggling, sometimes it is so real that I wish it was true and I get to live it one more time even though I am disappointed when I wake up and everything evaporates in an instant to thin air.

The last couple of days I have struggled in my sleep. The first day I thought about my old Finnish girlfriend. I do miss her and the doggie greatly. I hope they are doing well like they deserve and I actually signed up for a Finnish course in February because I fell in love with the country. Torilla Tavataan.

Today I woke up sweaty with a fresh dream about the girl in the yellow dress. It is incredible how some things haunt you isn't it? I remember singing for her while she was staring at me with a blank, lifeless stare like I was non-existent. It hurt.

The good thing is that I can finally woke up and think about someone else pretty special to me right now, someone that I look forward to meeting very soon after Christmas.I hope she can be the light in my darkness.

Then again, is it really darkness? I am not sure anymore. I have a pretty good life right now. I have my goals, I have my job, I have my health, I have my friends, my challenges and I earn a good salary. I...I cannot remember the last time that things were this good...and I have promised myself that things are only going to be getting better as time passes. And when Sarah visits me, it will only get better (smileyface).

Other than that, I wanted to wish everyone Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year 2018 and I will see you on the other side. Remember, things will get better. And if not, make them.

Good morning Sweden.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Love passes with love

It has been a while, hasn't it?

How we deal with disappointments is what decides the person we are. And I have had my fair share of disappointments.

In May 30th 2017, exactly a year after I left the dearest person to me at the time back in Finland, I decided to change my life forever. I stood in front of the mirror, took a hard, cold look at myself and decided that it was enough. I looked me in the eyes and said out loud:

"Take a good look at yourself. Today it is the last time that you see this person in front of you. Take a good look, because this person is going to disappear and from tomorrow you are going to build a better version of yourself, the best version of yourself".

And it began. I cut alcohol, sugary drinks, candy, pizza and every unhealthy lifestyle choice that I was used to overnight. I set it as a goal to speak fluent Swedish by the end of the year, get my six pack, make friends and find a job. A true american dream. I woke up in the morning with an old coat for a pillow and  the earth was last night's bed.

Per Angusta Ad Augusta

Something strange but also familiar happened over the first few months. I saw my body change and I was one more sadistically enjoying the pummeling of my face and body in the boxing class with the veterans. Carpe fucking diem. But above everything, I grew in confidence. I could see it in my posture, I had better grip over my mind and body and the nightmares about the girl with the yellow dress lessened instead of standing frozen in time and space.

My little baby project, the SIWI Sofa.
With confidence came friends and progression. I met two wonderful women, Lauma and Hayriye and more recently Lila and my Swedish improved exponentially. Down went the weight, and down went the burden on my shoulders. I received a call from the Swedish International Water Institute, where they wanted me of all people, to take charge and make an event that was launched for the first time ever a success. You bet I delivered. Here is a picture of my creation on the right.

Then my contract ended and I gave myself one month to find a job. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to and time and money were running out. And boy I delivered.

I finally got an interview with a big international company in Stockholm. I felt it was do or die. I walked in the office and I had a great interview in Swedish. The boss told me that he wanted me to meet the head of operations next week and so did we. The interview was in english and it was the best one I have ever given. The last time I felt such certainty was after a long exhausting exam to obtain the Certificate Proficiency in English 15 years ago. I knew I nailed it.

A week passes, walking under a bridge in Skanstull and I get the job. Boom, you are starting November 1.

My life changed overnight. No more worries about food, rent or survival. I shaved my head, changed my clothes, kept going to the gym 7 days a week. My friends call me boring, but I am in the best shape of my life. I started at 77 kilos and today I was 67,5. Now, I am not the guy to post half naked pictures like I am staring in Twilight but I am proud of myself.

Last week I was in Paris for training with work, in a seminar about safety and hazardous materials and chemicals. It was a long and exhausting but wonderful experience with a great bunch of people from Spain, Belgium, Germany and France.

The problem was...Paris. can you put it...Paris was like a rude beautiful woman. Lovely and mystical but when she opened her mouth you wondered in shock and awe. From the rats, to the ridiculous, expensive and terrible metro, to the smell of piss and dirty streets of a modern metropolis, to the terrible architecture in some points, to amazing breathtaking views in other places, it left me craving my home. A home that lies in Stockholm.

Eduardo was one of the guys from Spain. He was a tall super nice and funny guy that likes to run and works as a hydrogeologist. He often laughed at my jokes, especially when I squeezed that lemon accidentally in Paolo's eye. Paolo was Italian/Spanish, living and working in Madrid and having a second life with a Pirate metal band. Yarr. He seemed unable to control his laughter when I said the words "Crystal Meth" which was an incident in the Eiffel Tower. If you want to follow and support his band the link is here. Lovely. Jorn was the teacher and he is the most laid back, funny and great person I have met in such a position yet. He told us a lot of great stories and some of them involve him sleeping in the office and drinking something weird called dragonball.

Other than that...well life goes on and I am growing in confidence in my position every day that passes, both with the language and skills. I am planning a little escape in January to Iceland with a little aurora, to see a little aurora. Mystery is my middle name. Fais mois rever encore une fois.

This is the end. And a new beginning. Why you ask? Because one cycle just closed and a new chapter began. A nightingale sings his song of farewell, the winter is coming. Your heart turns to stone and you are longing for warmth. But then again, what is love without lust?

Goodnight Sweden.

PS. There are a couple of song references, can you find them?