Sunday, January 5, 2020

What We Think, We Become

New year. New Challenges. New Reflections.

A lot of things changed once more. I quit my job. I started my business. I quit my other job. Now, it is just me. Just like I am used to I guess.

After a long challenging 3-4 months culminating in the great depression of December, I am slowly getting up again. I have been having a lot of thoughts lately. Knowing me as an overthinker, it is not a surprise though. At least I got closure on the whole situation with that Greek girl from Uppsala. I mailed her to see how she is, and she called me a stalker.

This did two things. My anger for wasting 4 fucking years thinking of a person that is not worth it finally allowed me to overcome it. The second is: Thank you for this slap in the face, but FUCK OFF. Good, that's out of my system. If and when I write in this blog again you won't hear about her again.

Now, on to the good stuff. While it is amazing not having someone tell you what to do, it can be very difficult. Why? Because you have too much downtime where your mind runs wild and "what ifs" take over. The whole point is that I will not have around people that don't want to be around actively or settle down for mediocrity. I am not like this, I will never be like this. It is totally understandable that people don't want to be around negativity, but it also helps you sort of weed out who you want your circle to be. Here's some nice lyrics from a song I like that reflect all this:

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Now I am beginning to meditate and read when I can. Negative emotions will only stay for so long right? Eventually everything passes with time. One of the most common thoughts I have been having, dream you might call it, is me swinging a sledgehammer horizontally towards a concrete, cinderblock wall. I start swinging in normal speed with as much power as I can muster, putting everything I have in that swing.

When the sledge closes in the wall, or the big round cinderblock target as you might call it everything slows. In extreme, extreme slow motion as I plunge the sledge into the concrete, sending powerful shockwaves that shake it to its very core. Yesterday I wondered, why am I playing this over and over in my head.

It can have many explanations.

Breaking concrete foretells you will need to take drastic measures to fix problems and issues. Seeing a hammer can signify the end of resentment, reconciliation and agreement. In many ways, it can refer to peace and letting go. Breaking the wall. The barrier.

That barrier has been built between me and others. Sometimes, when you leave something behind and you don't know what to replace it with, you leave space for the unknown.

Then again, this raw emotion, this raw will to shatter my limits and go even further beyond. This is what keeps me alive.

Recovery comes in response to a need, not just a desire. You have to create that need. Otherwise you are stuck there forever. There is a level beyond, and I will rise to claim it. Ascend.

Let's see what we make out of 2020.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

It Burns Mommy, It Burns - Killing Me Softly (2019 Edition)

For me to staring at this blank screen again in 2019 after a whole year, it means something has gone terribly wrong.

Or maybe it never went right in the first place. Only time will tell.

A lot of things have happened since the last post. I quit my job, I started my own business. I found a person that cared for me and fought with her every breath. But once more, I blew it away.

Here I was today, 16th of July 2019 in my 30's reduced to a pile of rubble, tears gashing through my eyes until I could not go on anymore.

Why? Because I was incapable of realizing what an impact my violent upbringing had on me as a child. As an adult. Because I was not capable of looking happy when I see my woman.

In 1.5 year I made strides of progress. I became able to control my temper, to stop ridiculing others even if I didn't mean it. I learned what it means to have a genuine connection with someone. But I could never master it. Not yet at least.

As a result, the only thing I did was once more hurt myself and the people I care about. I feel abandoned and ashamed that two people I considered my best friends don't ask how I am anymore. But at the same time, I cannot bring myself to talk to them and ask them "Are we still friends?".

I sleep late at night. More often than not after 4 am every single day. And then I wake up as late as I can. Just so the day can go faster and I do not have to deal with the loneliness. Oh how it hurts.

There are no happy endings if you can't fix your own shit. There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry.

So long..

Saturday, March 17, 2018

"Love passes with love"

Isn't that right Sarah? I don't know if you found it, but I can still see you.

Everything is alright. Everything is going to be alright. 

The land of tears is mysterious. I visited her often, and that's on me.
Every time i get lost inside my thoughts..I get crazy...
It is not nice...

I do not laugh often. I am like ice, waiting to break. My love was stood up in the Airport to Canada.
I shut my self in isolation, saving strength in my heart for my metamorphosis.
I learned to give love, don't be afraid. I will be there if you need me, remember that...
I never pretended, I never played with feelings and I have a reason for that.
Remember, I will be with you to the end of the line, I will be next to you if you stay close to me.
Every time that I get lost, I come back and tread and i wipe out the fears so you are not afraid.

Everyone that wants to stay close to me and give love, stand by me to pass all the difficulties together,
to harness love and kill the fear.
I seek love, passion, scorching hot hugs and kisses..
Don't fuck my heart, I am just a kid...

I have wounds by so many,
my Aurora, you got lost, my friend, you got lost...
I write whatever I feel, sorry but I cannot hold it back...
Show me a me at least that there is still something me, so I can close this chapter...

Don't cry...everything is going to be ok. Don't be scared. I am with you to the end of the line..


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Strength forged through sacrifice

Again and again the same questions.

"When does someone truly love me?"

"How should I know, how should I make sure?"
"I am afraid I will be hurt again, I should not open up to others"

And many, many more.

I am not sure about you, but I do not have standards about that and neither should you. In the end, it is just a feeling and every human being (which is your, unknown weird reader from every corner of the world) feels that this person beside me or this person in this city, or this person 6350 kilometres away from me is special and you truly love them.

All you need to do is take a look at animals and more specifically dogs, who love unconditionally and will be by your side no matter what, no matter the hardships. They will not abandon you.

Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

Unfortunately this is how it usually goes. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. And sometimes I wonder if love exists just to reminds us how much the human soul can endure. But it is better to have loved and experienced love and lost it than never to have loved at all.

The hottest love, has the coldest end. And the last one was scorching hot. But it never dies a natural death. We just are unable to replenish the source. It dies from betrayal, weakness, fear and errors. It dies from weariness and sorrow.

In more good news (finally), I am getting back to normal. If only my favourite radio station was not playing just sad songs all the time, it would be great. Then again most of the 70's, 80's and 90's songs are like that right?!

I finally finished my Swedish exams and there is no higher level. One year of hard work. One year of unending continuous trying. What a nice feeling. I went out last Friday and Saturday and even had pizza on Sunday. Every place I love in Stockholm now has its own memories. Is that good or bad? It feels like yesterday when she was there eating pizza folded like a sandwich and I was taking pictures. Oh, and I can still see you.

I will focus on myself now again. Done with relationships and sounding needy and desperate. As usual, I am ascending again after a big fall. But was it so big? I guess nothing compared to Niki. It took me 2 years to finally say her name here again, but finally I am not afraid anymore. The only difference is that I was sure this time about my feelings towards little Aurora. I guess little Aurora, with her tiny paws, tiny glasses and tiny ears let me be myself for a few months. I keep having that phrase repeated "I feel so lonely". Well I felt/feel lonely and betrayed too.

Until we "meet" again little Aurora.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Alone in the dark

I am alone. We are alone. We are not meant to be like that.

My day is a barren, empty yellow day. The clouds are looming grey above me in the Stockholm sky and while there is a glimmer of hope, nobody knows the ongoing struggle in my head. People walk past me with their own issues and they will never really care or wonder why does that man look so sad and plunged into lethe.

My day is a barren yellow day,

Joys that sank

Chocked joys of mine.

My life that burns,

in the yellow air

and the love that was lost in the dust,

the life that was lost in the dust...

I can see you. I can sense you. I find myself in random times for no apparent reason whispering "I loved you so much" in this last crescendo of emotions that has engulfed me.

A week has passed and there is no sign. Everything is getting better. Everything is going to be better, but I cannot help but to grief for lost love. A love that needed two people to dance in the same tune, but ended up having just one dancing alone with the air.

Yesterday I had my Swedish national language exam and the ones I call my friends ignored me or sat somewhere else. It is true that everyone must fend of for themselves and that when you are grieving with sorrow you are not welcome into anyone's life or day. I did not expect them to hold my hand, but I expect them to ask me how I am, even as a placebo.

I once made a friend in Uppsala, a girl that we always had this hidden tension between us until she told me about it later but only after she returned to her native Dhaka. In my time of need I have always worried about her and turned to her, looking for some warmth and a familiar feeling, someone I really wanted to talk to and just let go. And time and again, she has rejected it, probably because of her own issues, but having your own issues is another thing, ignoring and not replying is another. And this was the last stroke, I am nobody's toy or last wheel.

Canada has been haunting me. I listen to a football radio, they talk about Toronto. I watch my favourite YouTube computer tech show, i find out he is based in Toronto. I go into the bathroom, I see her ghost, lying there seductively against the window while the mist from the warm water washes it away. I lost my money, my dignity, my pride and my heart. My head is a mess and my life is in tatters.

I can see you. I can see you right now, terrified and afraid. But it is ok. I forgive you. Because no matter how much it hurts, you do not hate people you loved. Even though they disappeared without a trace and blocked you completely from their lives. I always wondered how can you flip the love switch from on to off in a moment.

In my previous post I said I ran away. I was wrong. You were the one that ran away. Instead of sitting there, talking with me about it, solving it and after a time of healing, accept it, become friends and one day, we would discuss it and just laugh about it. I am 30 years old and all I wanted was you to be my girlfriend.

I am 30, addressing myself to a scared teen. I can see you. No matter the blocks, no matter the unfollows, no matter the long text you sent before your actions, I will always see you. And maybe one day you will send me something, open your heart once more, greet each others as old friends and run towards the sunset.

"I am with you till the end of the line"

Thursday, March 1, 2018

6350 kilometers

I can’t breathe. 

Don’t let me wake up tomorrow. Give me the drug, keep me alive, give me what's left of my life.

Don't let me go. Don’t let go. Pull this plug, let me breathe.
On my own I'm finally free

Don't let me go. Don’t let us go.

I can’t breathe. Choking on my own air, trying to make it past this week. Nightmares and sweat of lost opportunities.

I can’t breathe.

Moments of calm. Nothing left to be found. I wake up and go in the bathroom.

I can’t breathe.

A mirror right in front of me and that’s where I find an empty glass, reflecting the sad truth
It's telling words not to be told
I need the mask. I need my mask back.

I can’t breathe baby.

I can't tell you how to see me. I am just a cage of bones with nothing inside. Is there a way for me to break?

I can’t breathe.

With auburn hair and blue eyes, the kind of eyes they hypnotized me through.

I can’t breathe.

I ran all night and day, I couldn’t get away.

Aurora comes in view. And I ran so far away. I just ran again. I ran all night and day.

Reached out my hand to touch your face, you started disappearing from my view. Reached out my hand to try again. I just ran. I ran all night and day. So far away. I couldn’t get away.

I can’t breathe baby. I can’t breathe...

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

It's a sleepless night

It's a sleepless night, she's calling your name.

It's a lonely ride, I know you want her.

Again and again you are chasing a dream.

But Kostas my friend, it's not what it seems.

Just open your eyes, and listen to me.

Her kiss is her poison, forever inside you, wherever you go.

What a way to start 2018. Sitting at work, listening to my lovely late 80's tunes and writing weird blog posts like these.

However, I must admit that everything is rather well. I came back from my holiday vacations and I did not gain a single gram of weight while enjoying the delicious Greek food that I missed so dearly, especially seafood. Yum!

I have been a bit behind my training but that is also alright, my body needed a break and I need to recapture my motivation and start off strong once again. Last year was a landmark in my life and I have vowed to continue. 2018 is going to be my year. The year of the fox. Or scorpion, I just made it up, it sounds slightly poetical and corny. I like corn.

Sipping my tea, why can't you see, oh Johnny B. It is green with a little touch of honey to spice up the flavor a little. In the second screen, Bad Boys is playing on Netflix while I am taking my notes. I got upgraded to equipment manager you see and that means I have to go downstairs in the basement where everything is a big mess and try to shape things up. And that I will do.

The best thing about the basement is that nobody can disturb me and I can work in peace. And even better, I can put on the old fashioned cassette player that has some beautiful rock n' roll tunes from the 60's and 70's and the lyrics actually have some sort of meanings when you compare them to today's music.

I keep thinking about a few things that I want to buy for myself. One is a gaming computer, something that I have solely missed since 2010. The other thing is a beautiful OLED TV by LG that I am most likely going to get later in the year when the prices plummet once again "Insert evil laughter here". The last thing is a car, that would come in the end of 2018 or maybe early 2019. Nothing fancy, something to move me around without having to depend all the time on transport times and very expensive monthly travel tickets. I am looking at you SL Stockholm. Looking is an understatement, I am glaring.

I have a visitor next week. It has been a rough few days of communication between us due to some recently discussed events that have impacted the nature of our relationship severely. But in the end I believe it is the correct decision for both of us and unfortunately, no matter how much I would like it to work and would have moved mountains and the world to make it happen (as we tried) I cannot force anyone to do something that they do not want.

We would pretend, build our rocket ships and then fly them away, destination moon, destination unknown, destination limitless. Dogs, cats, names, activities. My friend once asked me if I was a masochist. Could it be that I secretly enjoy the pain, the failure and the emotions that come with it? Could I be Johnny B?

It's gonna be alright. We are going to have a fabulous time. And I am going to meet my best friends on Monday as well in Swedish class. Did I mention that I am starting again Russian next month to finish my diplomas? How about Finnish too? I guess I am a masochist. But then again, Johnny B, I thrive on pressure in a sadistic way.

How has your 2018 been so far? Don't be shy, leave a long awaited comment. Are you a Johnny B too? Or maybe you are just interested in my beautiful animal pictures in my Instagram. I am not going to spam my profile but my name there is kostasgoesabroad. Original I know.

This is going to be my year and I am going to fill in the last parts of my puzzle. The last few years have been some sort of a Jenga tower, always ready to fall when something happened and rocked the foundations. If you do not know what a Jenga tower is:

1) You are too young
2) You spend too much time on Instagram, Facebook or Phone
3) You are too young
4) You have never played some kind of boardgame
5) Meow (I just felt like adding a meow and wasted your time by making you read this whole sentence)

I will go back to being Johnny B now. But this time I will try to pay attention when the green light turns to green.

This all might sound grim or bleak or negative, but it is actually rather positive. If you are healthy, have a decent job, a home and someone to love, you have everything to be happy and successful. So look yourself in the mirror, set some goals for the year and reach them one by one. You are awesome.

Happy new year!