Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Tales from the borderlands

I reached a new low. I started playing Pokemon Emerald on my PC.

Jesus tapdancing Christ the landlord is leaving some sort of hiss one floor down like she is doing heavy lifting and she is exhaling.

Also i am becoming a hydrochemistry expert it seems, as i finally managed to complete a full assignment all by myself. It involves constructing a pe-pH diagram for Chromium and water for anyone that cares. There is no guide how to do that in the internet so i might as well perform public service by posting it sometime.

Yesterday i tried to cook rice. Let's just say i want to put hot needles in Uncle Ben's eyes while praising the lord, throwing curses and scavenging like a hyena or a raging bull. Just stick with any basmati rice from any other manufacturer.

Now it's time to do the news.

We had sun for the first time this november for a few hours. Wow let's do poledancing and cheer like little girls. I don't really care i prefer the darkness because i am a sadistic vampire. Or i just manage to study better at night.

My results of the application regarding the spring semester courses came out. I got disqualified for the Evolution of Life from paleobiology because nobody mentioned it to me that i have to have a background...idiots.

This post has actually been a work in progress. I find myself writing a paragraph and stop, wanting to continue from that point the next time, but i end up writing new things that i notice or happen.

For example after returning from university (at the time of writing - November 26) i wanted to rename this post to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

Why? Because the bus is a playground and humans are monkeys. Confused? Of course. I am also baffled. Let me explain.

Since i have been a terrible person lately making fun of everything i try to pay attention to the little details everywhere. From clothes to shoes, to hair, to dirt, to posters, to body language and expressions. Today when i was in the bus there was a man in his late 20's, with a trimmed beard, black pants worn out by time, a black jacket with silver buttons and a shirt that looked like a carpet. He had an oblivious look on his face and along with his blank gaze came  those round glasses that Harry Potter used to wear. I will call him Harry for convenience.

Harry was sitting on one of those retractable seats where usually mothers sit with a big space for their baby carriers. I can't forget his expression, it was like he was struck by a spell. It must have been one of these: petrificus totalus (petrify) , confundo (dafuq is going on?) or obliviate (memory loss, turns into a plant).

While he was staring at the floor he was fidgeting and nervously cracking his fingers, while his posture was ready bad, slouching and leaning forward. He was short on confidence,success and it showed. He was also an ape. More of a primeape or a Homo Erectus.

Ape. Not Kill. Ape.

We stop at Sommaro and a woman with her baby comes in. Harry is a gentle-ape so he stands up and goes to sit next to a man that looked at him as Bilbo Baggins did in the first lord of the rings after Frodo refused to let him hold it one last time.

All good until now. I actually found a seat myself, which is rare at that time. I sad on the opposite side of Harry and everything was good. I was listening to pathetic greek songs and i sent a text to my sweetheart.

You know the corner vision humans have right? That you can be looking straight but with the corner of your eye can understand what goes around. I pick up some strange images with my corner sight and when i look around i see Harry pulling his tongue out and using his lower lip like a monkey. He went bananas and that continued for 5 minutes. Whenever he put his tongue back in he started smiling like the devil and then did it again. I am very proud of myself that i managed to keep my composure.

Other terrible stuff? I will tell you a story. It is terrible, like most of my content nowadays but i don't care! Yay for honesty! Back in high school we had 2 girls that hanged out together. We were 14-15 at the time and they were two years older. They were really skinny and very tall for their age, like 1.75 or so. Me and my friends used to call them Reinforced Cement and Beton arme because they put up so much make up that they looked like fake barbie dolls thrown into a bag of poo.

Everyday they came to school just like these, trying to hide their imperfections and shallow personalities with their looks. Which frankly were terrible, i think they wanted to attract those bulky lifeless rich baboons in my town. They also dressed fancy like going to the miss pageant whore contest and they topped it up with high heels, taking their total height to 1.90 and looking like giraffes walking with rollers. Oh they were also stuck on the same class for 2 years.

What does Reinforced Cement and Beton arme have to do with my story then? Well i remembered them because every day i take the bus i see 2 girls around their 15's, pretty tall, fancy dressed with a ton of cement on their faces that if i touched it with a little hammer probably a goblin or a leprechaun would come out from there.

I think my teachers hate me too, i ask so many questions its unreal. But i don't care because i actually learn by that. Mistakes are good, welcome them. You can also find out that the teacher makes so many mistakes, especially in calculations that you want to gouge your eyes out with a pitchfork and feed the remainders of your testicles to the dogs like in Odyssey. I remember one's ass looks like a bag of potato shit.

Wow this is an endless rant isn't it. Wait i am not over yet. I still haven't told you about why dogs defecate while aligning themselves to the north or the south, why the fat lady likes to eat apples or what happened during my latest visit to the Norrlands pub.

I picked up Dimitris and Spyros and we decided to light up the pub for some beers. In the end we ended up eating nachos and burgers and drinking pepsi like pro's but it doesn't matter. We find some place to sit and i try to grab a free chair from the table next to us. Then all hell breaks loose. A blonde goose girl that was 25 grabs the chair like the Golum and takes it back shouting "Nej nej". My god she looked like a turkey with a massive nose that needed a hammer and a chin that screamed too many burgers. She was around 22, but if i had to guess by her teeth, i'd say 53.

My god she was like Cerberus protecting the empty chairs for 2 hours until finally her female friend arrived. They were drinking so much and she was surrounded by two cocks, one with a cap that probably said "retarded" on his forehead and the other one with the hair like a wig and a shirt like a tablecloth. One of those morons drank some beer or cider after dropping ketchup inside.

There was also a redhead in the back sitting with the most unfuckable dude ever. I think she had strabismus because she was not looking at him at any moment, so i had fun eyeballing her all night and talking dirty in greek to the poor waitress. I also witness a failed pickup of some swedes in the other table to a blonde girl and another one with black leather pants that screamed ass explosion.

We had some fun, shared some stories, they witnessed me being terrible once more and we moved on to the other pub in V-Dala. I wonder why they call it a pub as it's just a bar with restaurant tables, no music and empty Jack Daniels bottles that had melted candles that looked like splattered semen. Good grief.

I should wrap this up because it's already huge and terrible and i can make so many bad comments about everything. One day we are going to talk about what i don't like in Sweden (hint: like the university so far..) and probably i will make a fake woman profile to make fun of people online.

Goodnight Sweden. Yu Niu we could do it.

PS. I am not sure if i should make these large posts or just a daily shorter one. Leave your comment below. Crucify or love me. hyvää yötä!

PS. "I am unhappy because i got threatened by a midget". Holger bromancing with Jaime.