New year. New Challenges. New Reflections.
A lot of things changed once more. I quit my job. I started my business. I quit my other job. Now, it is just me. Just like I am used to I guess.
After a long challenging 3-4 months culminating in the great depression of December, I am slowly getting up again. I have been having a lot of thoughts lately. Knowing me as an overthinker, it is not a surprise though. At least I got closure on the whole situation with that Greek girl from Uppsala. I mailed her to see how she is, and she called me a stalker.
This did two things. My anger for wasting 4 fucking years thinking of a person that is not worth it finally allowed me to overcome it. The second is: Thank you for this slap in the face, but FUCK OFF. Good, that's out of my system. If and when I write in this blog again you won't hear about her again.
Now, on to the good stuff. While it is amazing not having someone tell you what to do, it can be very difficult. Why? Because you have too much downtime where your mind runs wild and "what ifs" take over. The whole point is that I will not have around people that don't want to be around actively or settle down for mediocrity. I am not like this, I will never be like this. It is totally understandable that people don't want to be around negativity, but it also helps you sort of weed out who you want your circle to be. Here's some nice lyrics from a song I like that reflect all this:
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Now I am beginning to meditate and read when I can. Negative emotions will only stay for so long right? Eventually everything passes with time. One of the most common thoughts I have been having, dream you might call it, is me swinging a sledgehammer horizontally towards a concrete, cinderblock wall. I start swinging in normal speed with as much power as I can muster, putting everything I have in that swing.
Now I am beginning to meditate and read when I can. Negative emotions will only stay for so long right? Eventually everything passes with time. One of the most common thoughts I have been having, dream you might call it, is me swinging a sledgehammer horizontally towards a concrete, cinderblock wall. I start swinging in normal speed with as much power as I can muster, putting everything I have in that swing.
When the sledge closes in the wall, or the big round cinderblock target as you might call it everything slows. In extreme, extreme slow motion as I plunge the sledge into the concrete, sending powerful shockwaves that shake it to its very core. Yesterday I wondered, why am I playing this over and over in my head.
It can have many explanations.
Breaking concrete foretells you will need to take drastic measures to fix problems and issues. Seeing a hammer can signify the end of resentment, reconciliation and agreement. In many ways, it can refer to peace and letting go. Breaking the wall. The barrier.
That barrier has been built between me and others. Sometimes, when you leave something behind and you don't know what to replace it with, you leave space for the unknown.
Then again, this raw emotion, this raw will to shatter my limits and go even further beyond. This is what keeps me alive.
Recovery comes in response to a need, not just a desire. You have to create that need. Otherwise you are stuck there forever. There is a level beyond, and I will rise to claim it. Ascend.
Let's see what we make out of 2020.
