For me to staring at this blank screen again in 2019 after a whole year, it means something has gone terribly wrong.
Or maybe it never went right in the first place. Only time will tell.
A lot of things have happened since the last post. I quit my job, I started my own business. I found a person that cared for me and fought with her every breath. But once more, I blew it away.
Here I was today, 16th of July 2019 in my 30's reduced to a pile of rubble, tears gashing through my eyes until I could not go on anymore.
Why? Because I was incapable of realizing what an impact my violent upbringing had on me as a child. As an adult. Because I was not capable of looking happy when I see my woman.
In 1.5 year I made strides of progress. I became able to control my temper, to stop ridiculing others even if I didn't mean it. I learned what it means to have a genuine connection with someone. But I could never master it. Not yet at least.
As a result, the only thing I did was once more hurt myself and the people I care about. I feel abandoned and ashamed that two people I considered my best friends don't ask how I am anymore. But at the same time, I cannot bring myself to talk to them and ask them "Are we still friends?".
I sleep late at night. More often than not after 4 am every single day. And then I wake up as late as I can. Just so the day can go faster and I do not have to deal with the loneliness. Oh how it hurts.
There are no happy endings if you can't fix your own shit. There are no words to express my sorrow and regret for the pain I have caused others by words and actions. To the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry.
So long..
