Sins of our fathers

I read a book a few years ago. It was called "The law of Success" and was written by Napoleon Hill 100 years ago. He broke the book down on different chapters, talking about determination, having a goal and habits. Developing the right habits was quintessential to him and then maintaining them to reach your goal of personal and financial freedom. We live in a world dominated by capitalism and materialism after all.

My favorite habits were 3. 

The first one was the habit of saving money, because I always had to survive on scraps and my life was much easier if I had to forgo some material items that I did not need, like a high end computer or traveling to Puerto Rico.

The second one was having a clear goal of what I want to become and where I want to go in life. It allowed me to focus on graduating even through the darkest times this year and after that it has been to find a job in a big construction company. I am one step closer to that one.

The third and last one was the habit of giving without expecting to receive back. The whole idea was that if you give something like help, without expecting something in return, one day you would receive back 100 times more. Since 2014 I made it my goal to help people without expecting something in return, but hoping and believing that they would do it in their own free will.

I helped girls that moved to Stockholm having no home and let them sleep in my house until they found something, I helped another one that cried the first day in Sweden because she felt overwhelmed. I showed another one for hours and hours in the city so she gets familiar with things. I did the same for a french couchsurfer that was almost harassed by a Brazilian guy in his house and cried at night. I gave my seat to a pregnant woman and another time to an elderly lady with a lot of bags. I was the best I could be to Anna. I am helping the war-torn areas in Ukraine. I offered a seat in the business dinner for greek consultants to another girl that would have to start looking for a job soon.

I did all those because I wanted to. I answered Nikoleta's questions even at 1-2 in the morning or any time of the day. I slept 4 hours outside my house because Irene had my keys and I was locked out of my house after working for 12 hours. I was nice to people just because I wanted to. Nobody messages me though or thinks about how am I doing anymore. Meh what can you do!

It is understandable. They have their own student lives and friends they make there. I am alone. Officially after that shitty night 1 month ago. It is ok I have finally some form of peace. But I was thinking today. How do you make friends? Not acquaintances. Friends. People you can rely on, talk about issues and stuff. I do have some. Josefine is the only one that frequently enough messages me and tries to teach me swedish. Kostas calls me on the phone and we hang out in swedish class. But I need someone to hang out and meet, not have a relationship through a virtual console and behind a keyboard. Last January I had everything I ever wished for and I tossed it all away. The 17th of January. And I am still paying for it. Σου είπα θα σε αγαπώ για πάντα.

What is our purpose in this world? Is it to pass someones genes and beliefs? Are we bound to what is written into our genetic code or can we break away from it? Are you a slave to your destiny or fate if you believe in it and your desires? But what if you pass away the wrong message? Or who decides what sort of information is right or wrong?

I chose to break free from what was passed away to me when I grew up mostly because I wanted to form my own opinion about things, keep my mind open and grow as a person. I think I have done ok. A lot of people have called me one of the best people they have ever met or the best thing that has happened in their lives. Those are the ones that hurt me the most. They will never write back again.

Soon a week will have passed from my big interview and I am anxiously waiting for the response as I will be saved. I will be saved in ways all of you cannot even fathom. So that is my first priority for now. And when I nail that job I will become something better. I will slowly change the world somehow. And then I will make a family, finally with someone that wants one and has the same goal as me. I will forge my own destiny from blood and bone.

Hej då.

All dogs go to heaven

The rain was slowly falling down on my head as I was walking back home from work. I was in the final stretch at huvudsta, in that beautiful straight long road that is full of winter leaves and yellow colors now. I just wanted to go sleep and escape from the real world once more. Why? As I said fellow babies, I cannot seem to catch a break. But it's going to be alright. If anything, never give up, never surrender.

I was afraid to sleep. The other day after I dropped Nikoleta, who is a friend that just arrived in Stockholm and the poor thing gets stressed so easily, I went to have a beer with Amanda. The moment I was about to get out of the subway a girl around her 27's fell down on the last step of the stairway and her leg broke in an awkward angle. It was horrific. I held her hand while she was crying and left when the paramedics came. The clash of bone and sinew sent shivering chills down my spine.

Be well in doggie heaven...

Wicky died yesterday. Wicky was the most gentle, beautiful Belgian Shepherd dog of all time. She had bone cancer and she went to dog heaven. I learned about it when I was at work and I cried in the subway, I cried in the apartment too. Every time she saw me, she would drag her old 10 year old body towards me, lie down on the floor, lift her back leg up and wait for me to scratch her belly. Every time I was in the kitchen, she would come sit next to me and look with those patient beautiful eyes that sucked you inside to have a piece of cheese. And some other times, she would climb on top of me and hug me like a human being. I would hug her back and love her with everything I had. Goodbye Wicky.

Other than that my dreams are weird as usual. Nightmares or just plain weird. I do not understand them, but I have ceased trying to. I remember an abandoned train stop that was being constructed and me walking with two friends, Yiannis and Kostas. We met a kid and his father who also happened to be Greek. His name was Andreas.

The dream shifted to my car being slowly losing pieces. In the end only the skeleton was left. I went into a Greek place to buy souvlaki and ended up fighting with someone. I shouted so hard he went under the table. I bought a Coke for 50 cents. Bargain I tell you.

Today I ended up speaking to Lionel Messi and being in a massive conference with my cyborg suit. I remember dogs and sadness. In the end I helped a fat guy in an abandoned endless slope and we teleported away. Turns out some guys from Poland wanted to know more about me and my suit. Apparently in my dream I can speak perfect polish too. I woke up. Alone. The rain still hammers the house like a sledgehammer and I am inside, tucked inside my blanket, writing these words, waiting for the next best thing.

Goodbye Wicky. I will see you in dog heaven.

Legendary defender

As most kids do when they grow up, I loved cartoons. I remember waking up before school when I was a little nerdy boy to the smell of hot chocolate milk that actually tasted horribly for me. Mom used to bring it to me and I was so half asleep that I was unable to resist that. And of course "milk is good to make your bones strong", mom said.

School started around 8pm and I had about 25-30 minutes to wake up, have breakfast and prepare around 6am. That was the time when you could open the TV in the late 90's and see those awesome supercool cartoons like looney toons or Dragonball, or even the spooky Goosebumps.

My favorite animated series and the first memory of such a VHS tape was Voltron: Defender of the Universe that dates back until 1986 or so. I remember a specific night that my parents were away and I was alone at home with grandma who was there to keep an eye on me. I do not remember how I managed to possess that VHS tape but it was the first time I ever saw it. It was about 1-1.5 hours long. I found out 20 years later when I remembered the series that in essence it was just the first 2-3 episodes cut together into a nice little mini-movie.

The moment I plugged the VHS tape in the player and the intro started, I was hooked. The music, the story, the atmosphere. I loved it. I watched it back to back 2-3 times that night just because I felt so good about it. It was rare to find those tapes back then so I ended up forgetting about Voltron for a long time.

For those who do not know, or are too young to remember, Voltron was a robot made from 5 robot lions piloted by some young space explorers. I still remember the amazing lion roar when the blazing sword was formed. Good times.

Anyways, what on earth does all this have to do with my life right? Well I guess there is another of those mysterious and cryptic allegories.

Back then the universe was peaceful and protected by this mighty defender. Their strength lied in their teamwork, ethics, determination and they were strong together. Voltron would strike fear in the hearts of his enemies. One day, an evil witch named Haggar that serves as a servant of the main antagonist, disguised herself and appeared in trouble. When Voltron came to help, she put a powerful curse and the 5 robot lions were split and tossed in different parts of the galaxy, becoming dormant for years. Chaos reigned supreme once more.

In the end, a new team of brave space explorers assembled, tracked down the robot lions and once more formed Voltron to defeat evil.

I woke up today really early and thought about the same thing. I used to be so strong and unfazed by the issues of daily life. Then since 2012 and then in August 2015 a series of problems began to manifest. Death, the girl in the yellow dress, injuries, diseases and economic stress all took their toll on me. Like that curse, my power and strength was split into pieces. My mental and physical health was scattered everywhere in the known multiverse. I could not form my own Voltron anymore. I can't believe over a year has passed since August 2015. We lived and died together for 6 months. Then I died alone. But finally I feel some form of peace now.

But lately things are falling back in place again slowly. I cannot believe I finally got my degree in Hydrogeology. Two years, two hard years have passed in Uppsala University. Two years of blood and bone. Not only that, I have my first important job interview next week in a big consulting firm. I am cautiously excited. Most of my survival problems will go away if I get the job and most importantly I will begin to fulfill my life's goal, to create a sustainable society and bring clean water and energy to people.

The other day I had lunch with Reyes and her friend Agnes. She asked me if I just woke up in the morning and went there for 30 minutes just to see them.

"What better excuse than to see a dear friend?", I replied.

Her face lit up with a smile and gave me a high five. It is nice to have some people you can actually call friends here. I think I can call Josefine, Eleonor, Reyes, Imenne, Efi and a couple more my friends here. Even though I do not see them often (more like rarely) it still feels nice. Eleonor is one of the few people that actually invites me out even in the last moment, it is so appreciated. They will probably never read those words, but I love them :)

So if there is a moral in all this story, it is that all the pieces of the puzzle are slowly falling in place. My mental health is much better than last year, I graduated, I hope I am in the verge of finding a job. After that, the last step will be to make a beautiful family in the future. I am tracking down my lions, one at a time. Finding a house, finding friends, finding a job, getting my health back and then the last lion. The black lion. The head of Voltron.

Goodnight and good day everyone.

I am a raccoon and I have rights

Some things are going great, some things are going bad and some things are average. Some more than others. Just your classic circle of life.

I am having my first super important interview next week and I am so pumped up about it which is interesting as in my situation you would expect me to be nervous. But I am not at all.

My facebook page keeps bombarding me with memories from my first year in Finland. I cherish every single one of those memories and it feels me with nostalgia, smiles and a lot of melancholy since something happened very recently. In the end I am probably a masochist begging for pain and emotional warfare. I wish you still talked to me. You just disappeared from my view. Just like my song. I miss you.

My swedish is going pretty great. I feel progress every single day. I study hard whenever I can and it shows. I haven't met any new people so I am still alone against the world but it is alright. Most of my problems will go away if I land this job. And when I set my mind to something, I get it.

This blog has went from renaming to opening and closing, to gaming, movie reviews, satire, serious posts, melancholy and pieces of my life, inspiration and just random blabbering. I have received no support from anyone, but somehow we have managed to almost be at 40000 viewers, which is astonishing for me. So many random people have found themselves here reading what turned out to be just my diary, just a place where you can learn more about a random guy in Sweden called Kostas who misses Finland and a dog a lot.

Thank you for that. Thank you for the overwhelming support in the Death's Bite series too. Lately I have been dreaming of a white tiger. Let's see what life brings next week. And yes, the title makes no sense.

Goodnight Sweden.

Death's Bite - The Seeker of Truth

I was still strapped on the bed. I decided to stop struggling as there was no way to free myself. It was all in my head. Freedom lied inside. And I would find it no matter what obstacle I had to overcome.

Some doctor came along with a nurse.

"You are a disease...we cut your hand to give you an example", he said.

"I hate you", I replied.

He left a sinister laugh as he fed from my anger.

"That's it, give in to the hate, let it consume you, you are meant to be unhappy for the rest of your life", he said.

Then I understood.

"I do not hate you anymore. I feel sorry for you. I forgive you".

The moment I uttered those words his laughter froze into place. It gave wave to devilish anger and respite. His skin started burning and I could see his cells fleeing his body like ash. A scream of a burning man was the last thing I heard. Everything began to blur once more. Things started to float and time appeared to stand still. It was like I figured out a hole in the fabric of time and I was ready to jump through it. I closed my eyes.

I went back into trance again. I started to get used to mystical fumes appearing out of nowhere. I would find my paradise once more. But first I had to battle the fellow seekers of truth, other spirits that attempted to find paradise and failed, getting transformed into evil spirits that thrived on agony and spiritual pain.

I opened my eyes once more waiting to see the unexpected.

I stood up from the ground once more. The ground was gravel with a mix of rock and had a brown-red color. There was a small bush and a beautiful lonely tree. Half of its leaves were flying peacefully in the air. This small piece of land was surrounded by water. But it was not just water, it was red like a pool of blood. The only way to move forward was a small path towards a giant arch that oozed some type of energy sucking me towards it. A white tiger roared in the distance and a magical dagger made out of a dragon's tooth appeared in my belt.

I walked towards the door. There was a gust of wind hindering my movement. The familiar strange voice spoke through me.

"Wind, obey my command".

The gust turned into a slight breeze, a breeze that cooled my shoulders and washed away my problems. With renewed enthusiasm I reached the door, entering a cave.

It was pitch black but there was light in the end of the tunnel. I approached it and saw a weird creature with horns. It turned around. It had no eyes. Its eyesockets were filled with a dark blue aura. It marched towards me with intent. It jumped on me and threw me to the ground. I had never seen such ferocity, such anger towards a living thing.

The creature pulls a dagger and tried to stab me and drain the last drip of blood from my body. I was shocked and my heart rate rose so high I could hear it beating in my chest like a ticking time bomb. I pulled out my dagger and pierced him in the heart. It left a terrifying shriek and dissolved into the same blue smoke that came out of its eyes. I looked at the dagger. The blade was shining and I could see my reflection. I was 19 years old again. I would name it "heartpiercer".

I finally realized during my struggle that my left arm was back after getting cut off. But instead of flesh, it was made from a silver coated metal. Like one part of me that I did not want left my body and got replace by something unknown, uncomfortable, yet powerful and enticing. I felt sorrow for losing a piece of me but on the same time some relief and excitement for what this new thing could do.

That moment I once again felt peace. But that meant only one thing. Something was about to disturb it. I turned around and a giant bird with a huge metal beak, dark blue feathers and armor made its descend towards me, ready to snap me with its claws. I could see fire and seething anger right into its eyes. It clearly did not want me to be there. I had to face another reality once more. From paradise to hell.

As it touched me with its claws everything turned black and I fell. I fell deep down in the abyss like a lifeless body. I was not afraid.

A tear in the fabric of time.

Traveling through the thread of time is interesting. It can go extremely fast, like good moments and like your heart beats during love, but on the other hand when things turn badly, it your heart can stand still in time and space and not let you forget.

But every time you try your best to travel back and fix the wrongs in your life you end up creating a time paradox, an alternate reality and the tiger appears and claws the fabric, creating a hole in your life. 

A hole that you cannot mend. A whole that you do not know is there, but you feel like a part of you is missing.

I closed my eyes waiting for the next trip back to the harsh reality. Would it be war again?

In the blink of an eye I am on a boat. I still have my metallic arm, my dagger too. But I also have a shield. Like a mixture of the Winter Soldier with Steve Rogers. Why do I dream about that? Is it just because it is my favorite heroes or is it something deeper?

I look around the boat. We are 5 people. The leader in the front is strangely reminiscent of me. He is called Jaroslav. He talks about protecting the environment, protecting our values and standing by our beliefs. The woman next to me listens to him with admiration. I was not sure if she was a zealot or a true believer in whatever cause we had.

Jaroslav talks about this being a hit and run operation. Operation flashpoint. Cheezy, but I liked it. The boat was going fast, sliding between the waters as we were marching towards a gigantic whaling boat. He throws some packages to me. I check them out. C4. Plastic explosives. Things just got serious.

"You are our only hope. You are the only one that can take them down and claim back the Earth. You will blow them up and it will be glorious", Jaroslav said.

I nodded, thinking that for once I would do the right thing. I felt important, I felt that I could protect the people I loved and also protect the environment. I was a fool. As I said, ignorance is a fool's bane.

We reached the whaling boat. Jaroslav, Niko and Lars fired up the grappling hooks. They would act as my support. Liara would stay in the boat ready for extraction and Nina would be a scout.

Sirens echoed from the ship. They were on us. I had to rush towards the cargo and place the C4 in the key structural point and sink it down the blue abyss as a statement.

We rushed towards the steel door and I hammered it down with my metallic arm. I felt its power taking over me. It was a guilty pleasure. Gunshots were heard. We made our way towards the stomach of the ship. Enemy gunmen kept popping up from everywhere. In every room we lost a squad member. Every time somebody died, they turned into the same dark blue ash that the creature in my paradise had. Every time I plunged the edge of my dagger on someone's neck they gave me a brief look of satisfaction, as this was their plan.

I turned around and looked at my fallen comrades, ready to place my C4 and claim victory. They were wounded, borderline dead, looking at me with expectation.

"Place the explosives, claim victory, crush them. Finish your mission", they said.

But I noticed that dark blue smoke was also coming from their wounds.

And then it occurred to me. This was no different than the desert mission. Instead of having to blindly follow orders and kill innocent people just because mankind is supposed to fight each other I experienced the other side of things. That side of people that fuels them with fanaticism for the cause and another type of hate breeds inside them, completely crossing the line of what is worth fighting for. Who are you to judge who should live or die, who are you to judge the way that people should or should not be allowed to behave. Who am I to decide if killing innocents or killing the "bad" whalers is correct? I went from one extreme to the other. I was reliving my life in 2012-2014 all over again in a different context.

I don't want to be that person. I want to be a well balanced individual that fights through words, creations, determination and the willpower to create a sustainable environment for everyone, without being judgemental, discriminating, hateful and all the things I failed to assess growing up. Never take advantage of others and never base your own success trampling over them.

As Jaroslav drew his dying breath, I looked at him and dropped my dagger on the ground.

"There will be no more killing", I said.

His eyes turned blue and he left the most horrendous shriek, turning into the giant bird that brought me here in the first place and disappearing into thin air.

It was all a test. I was the seeker of truth.

Death's Bite - Arrival

I made my way into the school bathroom trying to keep my composure. I felt sorrow taking over and I fled from the classroom for a brief moment after talking with Olga about things. I closed the door and a few tears were finally set free, feeling hot like sprouting blood, gashing red in color coming out of a fresh wound. It needed to be released.

I came back to class, where I heard the Persian woman give us some words of encouragement, while my greek colleagues were discussing in the other side of the room. I was waiting for the doorbell, just like when back in school, ready to rush towards home and flee the bullies, entering my imaginary world of video games, where I could be whoever I wanted whenever I wanted.

Three...Two...One...Clock was 20:30. Halv nio. Another Kostas drove me towards my home and I shopped a few necessities in the nearby supermarket.

I made it home. I put everything in the fridge, removed my contact lenses and went straight into bed. I went into this deep sleep, creating this new world in my head.

I woke up. I was in my cozy house, feeling the warmth of the nearby radiator comforting my skin on a rainy day. Standing up I noticed the last picture of the girl in the yellow dress. Just standing there on the bed head, smiling, with the flower-band on her head. N for Victory.

I smiled and deep melancholy drenched my soul. Then drums and ominous music took over the premises like in movies, instigating cataclysmic events. I went towards the door. It was a beautiful door, grey in color, made from wood. Wood that was probably marooned in a vast forest from a tiny spit of sand around the globe. There was a shaking of the ground. Should I open the door? Should I just take the blue pill and return to my normal life accepting defeat and being plunged in melancholy, or should I take the red pill and fight my fears head on?

Without hesitation I opened the door. A gigantic tidal wave was making its way towards me, sweeping everything in its path. It crushed houses and dreams. The echoes of the screaming citizens seeing their life's dreams and hard work reduced to ashes rang deep into my ears.

Frozen still, trying to absorb the moment I slowly walked backwards. I accepted the impending doom. I took a last deep breath as the giant wave crashed into my house, creating a large whirlpool that sucked everything inside with tremendous force.

As I accepted my fate and patiently awaited my death, the picture of the girl in the yellow dress was floating close to me. It was made of printed paper so it would quickly dissolve. I tried to grab it with the last bit of strength I could muster but every time I reached to grab it, she magically got away from me...It was time to let go. I closed my eyes and patiently waited for death to grab my hand and we would walk away together.

I felt a cool breeze. Snow. Something was different. I opened up my eyes, not knowing what would appear in front of me. I was on top of a mountain. A mountain so big, surrounded by snow, ice and loneliness. Initially I felt scared. What was going on? There was a burial site made of rocks with a giant cross. I walked towards it and I checked the made up tombstone.

It had my name on it. But something was wrong, it said borne 1988 but the death date was not inscribed. Was I really dead? But then who I was and how I was there?

The tomb was next to a steep edge. Having a fear of edges, I took a deep breath and looked down. It was a deep fall, surrounded by mist and looked like an endless pit, ready to absorb you as you plummeted to your death. But then I saw a valley and a sparkling light. I knew why I was there.

A voice talked to me in a strange language inside my head. I understood.

"All I have to do is jump"

And I jumped. The adrenaline running through my veins, once more expecting to hit the hard rock. But mid-fall it came back to me again. It was time to cut the rope and fly to the dream. Right across the sea into the dark chest of wonders. I dove head first. The mist tried to surround me but I was determined. Determined to endure and move forward. I did not come this far for nothing.

I could hear the voice still inside my head. To my surprise, instead of colliding with the rock I went straight through it, ending up swimming in red waters and instead of going down, I was going up. The water was painted crimson red, like when the sea swallows the sun in the distance. There was a whirl and fish of beautiful colors were swimming around me, propelling me forward. The voice was still talking. Who are you? What do you want from me?

A hand appeared, sprouting out of the waters, waiting for me to reach out and get it. I was afraid. Should I trust a stranger, let alone a voice in my head? Then again what was real? Should I deny a helping hand? Should I cut the hand that tried to rescue me, just because of my own misconceptions?

It pulled me out of the water. I felt safe. Then I witnessed a magical, beautiful place with trees, blossomed pink flowers and peace. I felt peace. The voice spoke to me one last time at that moment.

"The only way you can witness paradise...is to live it."

The ground shook. Someone was trying to invade my paradise and take it away from me. It split open and the earth itself tried to drag me to hell, down to the core. What was happening? Why can't a catch a break?

The big black void ended soon and after traveling through time and space I immediately found myself on the ground in a desert. I took  look around and I saw soldiers. Soldiers with a blank stare, ready to follow orders. Ready to kill.

Before I realized what was going on I was handed a weapon. It was an M16 black assault rifle. It had a custom grip and seemed battle scarred. It was the first time in my life I saw it but when I held it I felt some strange familiarity with it. A weird cold pierced my soul. I had killed with that weapon before.

The captain punches me in the face. I can taste my own blood in my mouth.

"When I talk you listen. Now you go in with the others and kill them all. Leave no survivors. If you disobey, I will split your skull with my own hands."

Fear almost took over. Fear of expectation and disobedience. Of punishment and public respite.

Next thing I remember we are rushing through a city, my comrades shooting in cold blood women, children and men. Firing RPG's at households and innocent civilians and laughing with a sinister smile on their faces, brainwashed and cruel.

I had not fired a single shot and I was terrified. The others had brought a few prisoners and laid them down in the burning sand.

"What are you waiting for, put a bullet in their heads. This is what we are meant to do. To kill each other. To laugh at the disdain of others, to stomp on the weak and rule them."

I aimed my gun at the first person. As I looked down the iron sights, he looked at me with an empty stare.

"Remember. Nothing is predetermined. You are the master of your own fate. You might not have superpowers, but you can make your own change. And when you help others, when you help them navigate through obstacles and give them a helping hand, they will seek you, instead of pushing you away. All you have to do is cut the rope and fly. Fly to a dream. All you have to do is jump."

His words echoed into my head time and again. Impatience was brewing among the other soldiers. I lowered my gun. I was free. The major arrived.

"So be it." he said and put a bullet in my head. A giant explosion happened from within. I died. Or so I thought.

I woke up in a beam of light, strapped on a bed. Doctors were passing by noticing that I was finally awake. My left arm was missing. My heart rate elevated and my blood pressure sky rocketed. I could not move. How did I get from my paradise to such a place of pain and suffering?

Ignorance is a fool's bane. I was a fool to believe that my paradise, built in my head was immune to suffering. I have seen things...things that I would wish no one. But I am grateful for them, for they made me the person I am today. And we should be proud for our decisions in the long run, as they are always lead to something better. There may be darkness inside you, but if you face it, it makes it easier for the light to surface out. Believe in yourself as I believe in you. Be the heartbeat of a true heart. You are not alone with that fear.

All you need to do is jump. Take my hand and let's jump together.

Stand against darkness

While I am still waiting for my first big break I try to keep myself occupied and upbeat. It is hard at times, especially when they try to mess with your head.

Sometimes when I look at that dreaded Facebook wall I do not know what is worse:

• People that post everything? Do I care what food you ate today or maybe next time you should "check in" in your toilet and tell us you are taking a shit. I am talking about those that do it frequently.
• People that take 326,8 selfies per day. Check a psychiatrist they have some very interesting research on that topic about insecurity and mental issues.
• People that post complete and utter nonsense and sprout them out faster than a 20 mm F16 Vulcan cannon.
• Animal abuse in every page. What did the poor animals do to you you poor excuses of human beings?
• Trump vs Hillary. Choose which type of shit you want to shove down your throat.
• Those that post those amazingly pseudo-philosophical quotes about life and love.
• The posts in one of my favorite game groups: Jurassic World The game - The group. All you need is popcorn.

Now you would argue, then why the rat's ass are you in Facebook Kostas? Well it helps me quickly talk to some people I care, occasionally read something very interesting etc. You get the idea.

Especially the animal abuse triggers me. It is one of the reasons I fled from Greece. It shows no sign of slowing down.

I almost forgot why I am writing this article. Hold on a second...Oh yea! We are back on track. As an environmental scientist and a human being (though I identify secretly as a raccoon) it is my duty to protect the environment, create sustainable solutions, protect animals and people and why not, to try and bring peace through research and suggestions in contested territories.

So since yesterday I will be working with the contested areas of Ukraine, namely Donbas and Donetsk to try and identify environmental issues in those war-torn conflicted territories that has caused myriad of social, economic and environmental damages over the last 2 years.

Do you think you can help me with that? Send me a message, post a link with a nice article showcasing issues or research and let's try to make a difference for once. Let's stand against darkness.

What else is on my mind? I don't know...What I will do with my first salary is often on my mind. I am going to treat myself to a nice dinner alone and enjoy every second of it. What my friends are doing in Greece and how is that pesky little muffin in Bangladesh. How I can learn Swedish faster because SFI is terribly slow. Why people in Sweden do not answer phonecalls and nobody replies to emails. How will I make better networking.

Ah well. Thank god it's Saturday. I will see you all in Hornstull. Vi ses!

I ran so far away

"And I ran
I ran so far away
I just ran
I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away"

You might be Usain Bolt fast, but some things you cannot outrun. For years I thought I fled to Sweden to escape my past, run away from it as far as I could, as fast as I could. And I ran. I ran so far away. I ran to a place where the Aurora Borealis is just outside my window, splashing the clear night sky in a beautiful, mystical green color.

And you know what happened? Through one way or another my past caught up with me. I couldn't get away. So I accepted it and embraced it instead. This is my story. I am the writer and I am writing myself into a new storyline. And for the last month, I have been enjoying every second of it.

My life is not so glamorous. 6 languages, 2 university diplomas, 400 business cards collected, countless networking and the best job I could get is taking care of 2 gentle animals, for the most kind and lovely people I have met in Sweden so far, Johannes and Richa. Who invites their dogwalker to a family dinner? I wish them the best.

I ran away one more time this year. I reached my hand to touch her face and she started fading away. Like a gloomy beam of light. And I ran. I ran so far away. I couldn't get away.

This time things are similar, but much different. I don't have the time. I need a job, I need to fight daily for my own survival. But I am done running. The next time I will run is in the Stockholm Marathon.

Getting a job here is becoming the biggest challenge I have faced in my whole life. Even bigger than the disappearing of your love, which is like getting impaled and eaten from within. Being unmade. Swedish companies demand you to speak Swedish, even though they often speak English at work. But if you don't speak it, or your name does not end in -sson or you know the king you are in for a rollercoaster ride.

I have been studying intensively Swedish for the past month. I speak pretty ok, I can read and write just fine. Anna has been helping me, Johannes, Josefine and Eleonor all try to speak Swedish with me. But what good is the language when the employers don't respond? Not to emails, not even in SMS or phone calls. Is this multicultural and equality projection of Sweden just a smokescreen? Maybe I am biased from my own experiences so far. I cannot get a break this year. My own thesis examiner has set me back 5 months already from applying officially for my diploma.

I look at my colleagues from my Greek University in the Aegean sea. University of the Aegean, Department of the environment. My sister always tells me I have nothing good to say about any of them. When I see those people that are my "colleagues", being lost in the vast nothingness of space, I start to wonder if there is truly a thing such as luck or in my case being unlucky.

But I am done running. Sometimes, you just need to face your past or your problems, or your fears or anything that bothers you head on, gain momentum and just power through it. And one day, you will gain so much momentum, you will break through the hardest barrier, bend the toughest steel and be in peace with yourself. You make your own history. I will make my own legend and my star will shine bright.

Lights, camera, action - A night in Stockholm's finest

Hej hej!

It is your weekly dose of entertainment from Stockholm city!

But what happened during a very eventful Friday night and a lovely Saturday morning? Strap your seat-belts and prepare for a lot of satire and my amazing descriptions.

Being alone in a big city is a daunting thing. But one thing is for sure. I was not going to stay inside on a Friday night. So I wore my best smile, my best shirt, my best shoes and my best pants and managed to at least look like a very expensive waiter. I also managed to destroy my glasses somehow, but that's another story.

I had been in contact with Eleonor, a girl I met during this year's World Water Week. She has been really kind to me and I am very grateful. She told me that she might go out with friends and if they continue later I could join them. Well, I had heard that before so instead of waiting I decided to go ahead and visit The Soap Bar, a place I had been there before with my friend Silvia who used to work there.

The night was eventful before I even got to the bar. Around Ostermalmstorg in the metro station a bald guy was painting with a marker the walls and the escalators. I informed the security and they took him down. I continued my way into familiar territory as I stood outside the small line. The bouncer asked for my ID and then I went to pick up a small beer for 65 SEK. Not bad for Stockholm standards.

Then the fun began. Around 22:30 the bar was sort of full, but the real crowd began to arrive around 23-23:30. It was absolutely packed with people of all origins, backgrounds, dresscodes and behavior. There were 4 people (2 men and 2 women) that were in their 40's, looking like they were working all week non-stop and this was their only night out and chance to blow off some steam. They were dancing like crazy non-stop and it was a joy to behold, because they were genuinely having a good time. Then there were these barbie-like type of girls that did not stop taking selfies while the weird awkward guy next to them was actually catching Pokemon in the bar.

I was sitting in a dark corner enjoying my beer and gazing everyone with my watchful eye and mysterious grin. Then 3 men of Asian origin arrived and sat next to me. One looked like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid and was like the quiet teacher.

The other one looked like a person from the TV series "Heroes" and the last one looked like...ehmm someone who was looking at the flowers of Robert Marplethorpe. The best thing was that all three of them were having the exact same pose, exact same beer and were bobbing their head like on Jim Carrey's Saturday Night Live spoof Night at the Roxbury (youtube that, it's  hilarious).

There was also a couple of guys that looked like Don Diego De la Vega from Zorro but with a hilarious mustache which i found very entertaining to watch. But nop, the star of the show was about to arrive.

Two blonde bombshells around 1.90 arrived and sat in close proximity. On of them was very slim, the other one was more curvy. But definitely very good looking women. So here comes this guy, no taller than 1.50 that approaches them, starts talking and waving his hands and making some dance moves straight from an LSD panorama. He actually entertained them a bit and the curvy girl actually gave him her phone (though from their signs of panic and body language, she gave him a fake). Best part was when shorty (lets call him that) actually lifted her from the waist and the poor girl left a shriek of horror.

At that point it was getting late and I would go home soon but until then I decided it was my mission to follow that guy and see what he is up to. Turns out he went outside the bar and starting talking to every woman on proximity. It was like 1.67 women/minute like an automatic machine gun. He lifted a few more up and then he went into the crowd where I lost him. Because he was too short to see. But I did manage to tell him that he is a hero and give him a brofist. Whoo-hoo!

In the meantime Eleonor called me and told me they are in Hornstull with 3 friends. I went there to meet them in a nice bar that reminded me of Greece a bit. We sat down, had some beers, enjoyed the super large queue to the bathroom and endured 2 hours of Americans hitting on my friends. In the end a tall guy from their group went behind to some really cute DTF girls and started talking to them. A blonde and a brunette. He talked to the brunette. The blonde told me that her friend desperately needs sex and she should go home with the dude. But the dude wanted the blonde. And I told the brunette. Who in turn told me that her blonde friend desperately needs sex. Still following? Well I said goodnight and they were a bit angry. It was like soap opera. I loved every minute of it.

Today I woke up really tired after returning at 4:32 am and went in the city with my new pal Victoria. We had this super awesome walk in town at the city hall where a guy dove into the water and pushed his own dog in there to swim with him. We came back and walked around Huvudsta where we played with the goats and horses before returning home. I think I am a bit tired so it is time to nap my friends!

So, chins up and remember to smile!

Kostas almighty - Smite me almighty smiter!

If you are a movie enthusiast like me, you must have seen Bruce Almighty with Jim Carrey. Especially if you like silly humor like I do (ohhh, quelle surprise Kostas!). To keep it short, it's a movie where Jim Carrey is your everyday unlucky man trying to have a better life than he is allowed to. He thinks god is behind all of his bad luck and challenges him, ending up becoming god for a week and making his girlfriend's boobs bigger and reaping chaos and destruction in the city. I love this film. It is hilarious.

So why did I bring this up? Well, in the movie, Bruce (Jim Carrey) just CANNOT GET A BREAK. Literally. Water falls on him, he gets the worst reporter assignments, his own car is against him, his dog pees everywhere in the house. I feel him. I feel for Bruce. Because in 2016, I am Bruce. Yesterday we had one of the worst flood disasters in my hometown of Kalamata. People died, properties were completely destroyed and flooded. Let's take a look where nature decided to park my car.

Now that's what I call parking skills.

But then again, in the end everything started going better for him.

Moral of the story: There is always something that will go wrong in our lives and most likely it will be a chain of events, making you want to gouge your eyes out with a pitchfork. However, a problem always makes you work and look for a solution. Everything will get better eventually. Just do not lose hope.

So yesterday I visited the beautiful Stockholm University campus in Frescati. Amazing landscape, full of green, sunny and with hundreds of people suntanning or eating lunch. It was a great experience. I met my two new partners in crime, Imenne and Reyesssss for lunch and we had some nice discussions about life and how unemployed we are. I shared more ridiculous life stories from my past and Imenne laughed and laughed and laughed at me. I am starting to feel like a live meme here. But it is alright, because that is how I deal with those things, I laugh them away. And those two girls remind me of that. Thanksssss.

I finally sorted my taxes, my house and my SFI lessons so everything has started to pick up pace. I am still a professional dog walker, but we will figure that one out eventually too. How about you? How was your week? Did your own car decide to be a squirrel too? Leave a comment and lets laugh about it together.

The next step is to redesign my CV. I mean it is pretty good because I am super awesome and modest, however it needs to be cleaner and shorter and I have some ideas about it. I have shortlisted where I want to work and I will make it happen. That's the spirit Kostas!

Ehm...that's what I felt like sharing while making a greek salad with a lot of feta cheese and way too much olive oil. I deserve it. See you soon? Maybe.

Bye bye! Kiss the week away!

Something's brewing in Solna

Handsome, smart, philanthropist, animal lover, 2 university degrees, 6 languages and a whole lot of modesty (or maybe lack of) and here I am living the dream. Professional dog walker. You can call me dagmatte, or hundvakt. Could be worse. I could be a kattvakt and watch over cats so they don't claw grandma's painting or scratch her favorite wooden chair. But it is what we have right now and that is better than nothing. Because 0+0 = 0 and 1+0 = 1.

Now that I got this out of my system, there are some changes around here. First of all the name of all this. Who was I kidding? The voice of Uppsala? I ended up more at home or in the university rather than outside. That was mostly because of economic constraints and because of my crescendo with the girl in the yellow dress.

Then again, pursuit of happiness was an equally awkward choice. While everything started well I ended up battling demons left and right, having cliffs behind me and steel trap doors in the front. Add to that burdened by choices i made (or i did not make) and next thing I know I was rambling about sadness, sorrow and depression. Boo-hoo cry me a river Kostas.

So sticking with the basics. Almost Swedish. Because for the love of baby Jesus I will never be 100% Swedish. Let's do a quick countdown:

1. I talk too much
2. I talk too loud
3. I talk to strangers
4. I laugh with things that I shouldn't
5. I don't like Salmiaki or licorice (a touch of Finland anyone?)
6. I don't like meatballs

You get the idea. Then again, there are a few things that I love here. Well, more than a few:

1. I don't mind the cold
2. I don't mind the darkness
3. Lovely, helpful, reserved people everywhere
4. Nature everywhere
5. Dogs, cats, horses in the city
6. Nightlife
7. Day-life
8. Incredible sceneries and sightseeings 

I also moved from Uppsala to Stockholm. I had enough of that city. But I am not running away. Because no matter how fast you can run, there are a few things you cannot outrun. More specifically i moved in Solna. The most beautiful place in Stockholm city. A place that blends the city with the forest and the sea. A magical area with grass everywhere, dog parks, infrastructure, horse stables and the most incredible sights along the river.

This is not a comeback. I never left. But it is not also a promise for more writing. My way is to sometimes express myself through words, because words can carry powerful emotions too. And I will support her and her choices because I am there until the end of the line.

With that said, I am once more the heartbeat of a true soul.

My life in Huvudsta...

Ekonomikum and Catwalks

For those of you who don’t know, ‘Ekonomikum’ is the department for business and economics study at Uppsala University. I was admitted there to study my master in Business and Management. I still remember my first day of orientation there. I went there wearing super casual stuff (don’t really remember what exactly but casual stuff for sure) and boy was I surprised to see how fashionable students were there.  Everyone had their own unique style, looked rich; not to mention literally everyone owned an apple laptop. And I was there with an Acer which I am still using today and casual clothes on. Felt pretty left out not going to lie. 

However, another matter was that I was completely new to this University whereas a lot of students were already studying their bachelor there and then got admission the same master studies as me. Hence almost all of them sort of knew each other or had their own group of friends. Not to mention, almost 70% were Swedish students in the whole class which reduced to 80% when we started taking classes for our own tracks. I remember that it was only me and one Chinese guy who were among the international ones, and everybody else was Swedish. I didn’t really enjoy that specially because I was studying and living in a multinational environment in Borlänge where I had my undergraduate studies. Having said that, I did try my best to become friends with my Swedish classmates in Uppsala but it was just hard. I think it’s safe to say that Swedish people aren’t really social if they aren’t drunk. I did think my classmates were pretty nice and cool when I worked with them in groups but it was too hard to break that certain boundary and become good friends with them. Hence most of us remained classmates. On the other hand, I was good friends with three dudes; one from Ghana, one from Nigeria, and One from Ethiopia. I knew the guy from Nigeria from my bachelor studies; we were in the same class. Not really in touch with them though which is kind of sad but I still remember them and the good times we had and miss them. I’m sure all of them are pretty busy in their own lives now but I do hope they remember and miss me too. 

However, getting back to the fashion part; I decided to buy a bunch of nice new fashionable clothes to wear to my classes. I started to think that I’m not going to wear the same outfit over and over again. I’ll buy clothes every two weeks if I have to. Well guess what, a tiny detail, I didn’t have a job back then so wasn’t really thinking everything through when I was planning all of that. As a result of course my plan didn’t work out and at one point I didn’t really care. I do think that we should wear presentable clothes but those clothes don’t necessarily have to be new every day or every other week. The most important thing is to have a good attitude on, to be social, respectful, and nice; if I can’t carry all of that then carrying new and expensive clothes wouldn’t do much of a big difference, now would it? Also speaking of having an apple laptop, well I did want to have that at one point but I decided not to have it just because everybody else has it. Basically we shouldn’t do something just because everybody else was doing that instead we should do whatever that’s comfortable for us and makes us happy.

Source: http://www.ergo.nu/files/imagecache/article-image/images/catwalk1.jpg

Last but not least, studying at Uppsala was really a dream come true because my father really wanted me to study there. It is one of the best Universities in Sweden and among the top 100^th worldwide. Undoubtedly it was a privilege to study there and having that awesome student life experience.  This is one of the many interesting stories I have from my life in Uppsala. 

Last but not least, studying at Uppsala was really a dream come true because my father really wanted me to study there. It is one of the best Universities in Sweden and among the top 100^th worldwide. Undoubtedly it was a privilege to do my master there and having that awesome student life experience in that beautiful city. I could do anything to go back to that life again. This is one of the many interesting stories I have from my life in Uppsala.  

The Water Diaries || Part 2 - Oceanborn

I speak a lot about water in this recent resurrection of this blog. But why?

Water is the foundation of life. The entire planet is covered in water, water flows under the surface, hidden from plain eyes. Our bodies are made of around 70% water. It is essential to our well-being and sustenance, but lately all we do is diminish our fresh water resources and mismanage it. Some say a World War III will happen for water and in the current state of things it does not look highly unlikely.

Therefore, drinking water is beneficial. It regulates our body temperature, keeps us hydrated, removes toxicity and wastes from our bodies. We shower to keep clean, we swim to relieve stress, enjoy the aesthetic pleasures of life and nobody can deny the wonderful feeling of drinking cold water after a hot, thirsty day.

Water also has a darker, mysterious, unknown side. Too much water can be fatal due to over-hydration. A moment of negligence and you can drown in the sea, or even in the comfort of your own shower. Dangerous predators roam the waters and many people are afraid to swim in the night. Tsunamis, flash floods, hail, can cause extreme amounts of pain, damage, death and destruction.

These qualities and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sides of water have led me to specialize in hydrology, being fascinated by the possibilities, simulating events that happened aeons, thousands of years ago, predicting the future, making the world better, reducing hazards and regulating flows.

This importance of water extends to our dream world. This fascinating, never ending, beautiful and mysterious realm that most of us enter during our sleep. If you are lucky like me, you have re-occurring dreams, lucid, real dreams where you enter a new world, you know that you are dreaming and can wake up on command. So many times i have found myself remembering in a tight situation saying "I know this is a dream. I will wake up".

Water can be related to many things. Many things that usually occupy our subconscious. It can be a religious or spiritual feeling, it can be a cathartic experience, it can be a question of values or overcoming an obstacle, it can be the different influences in your life, it can be love, hate, passion, peace or the weight of the world. You could sum up by saying that water represents your emotional state. Today i will write about one setting, one location and continue in another article.

The meaning of water can vary. It depends on many things, like form or location. Different people experience it differently. But there are a few distinctive features that impact our attempt at explaining these water dreams:

• Motion: Fast, slow flow? Still waters? Spinning whirlpools? Everything has a different meaning.
• Clarity and cleanliness: Water can be muddy, crystal clear, deep blue, gashing red or even polluted.
• Location: Are you swimming in a pool? A sea? Are you alone? What is the setting?
• Setting: Is it raining? Maybe there is a storm above you. Maybe the storm is coming. Maybe it is the most peaceful place you have ever been.

Dreaming oceans: Delve into the unknown

Oceans are mysterious, interesting places. It is known that if you are left stranded in the ocean your survival chances are really slim. It can be a vast, terrifying experience. The thing about oceans is that they are so big, so limitless, you cannot see the end of them. Therefore, an ocean can feel overwhelming, a sea of emotions or a passage through unknown parts of life. It could be a recent experience that has left you there and  you need to find your way out. Not by fighting, because it will consume your strength faster, but calmly, accepting, analyzing.

The relationship with oceans does not have to be a negative one. When you think of an ocean your mind immediately can go to tranquility, peace, the passion of the waves and tropical islands. If you are traversing through the ocean in peace, there are no waves and storms, maybe you are just flowing through life accepting it, appreciating things, going with the flow. It might be that you are seeking solitude and the only thing you want is the crisp waters that surround you with nothing else in sight. It might be a time for peace or a bit of personal space.

The ocean is a deep place and you might be digging deep into your own unconscious emotions or areas you had no idea existed in your personality. You need an open heart and courage.

Do not fear the ocean, but be weary of it. For i am also, oceanborn.

The Water Diaries || Part 1

Today the sweetest woman i have ever met told me that my soul is beautiful and pure. She also told me that love is always in the corner and it takes two people to make it. Those were the last words before i went into my daily short water slumber.

Once more, for 10 minutes i became shapeless and i started flowing around in space and time, built by my imagination. This was a different dream than yesterday's dream though. This time i was looking at myself mostly through third person when i shapeshifted to my human form. Because i may be formless and shapeless, but when i want i can turn into anything.

This time i pictured a beach. The sea was silky smooth and crystal clear. It had no waves. The beach was sandy, with tiny little golden particles of sand covering the entire surface and from time to time a beautiful seashell showing its tiny little head.

At the end of the beach there were rocks and cliffs. Rather steep ones that would make for a nasty fall. A blurry figure was on the top and could barely be seen in the horizon blue. The waves were crashing down the rocks, eating them slowly like rust eats metal. It was a stark contrast compared to the silky quiet sea of serendipity. The figure looked beaten by weather, tired.

The sun was slowly setting and was being eaten by the sea in the horizon. It was slowly turning into this beautiful crimson red color, almost turning into gashing red, like blood freshly exiting a wound. It looked painful but beautiful in the same time. This kind of pain that you can only appreciate.

But were was i until that point? It was not obvious but then i understood. I was everything. I was the sea, i was the water and then slowly, particle by particle i formed my body and soul, just gliding and hovering on the calm, majestic waters. I was looking at me from a panoramic view. Almost like looking into a crystal bowl and my own self was waving at me with a beaming smile. Waving for me to go there. I was peace itself.

As my hand reached to the scene, the water turned into a giant whirlpool. Α Charibdys. I was spinning and spinning in this watery tornado getting sucked into the deep blue sea. A picture of the girl with the flowerband and the yellow dress appeared close and i was in first person, trying desperately to reach it. In the end i accepted my fate and let go, slowly drowning.

As soon i accepted what looked like my premature end, i was in the shower. The water was cold at first, like the deep blue sea, but then changed into a warming gentle breeze. That kind of breeze that falls onto your shoulders and washes away all your problems from top to bottom. And then the water stopped. And i heard myself telling me "It is time to wake up Kostas". And i woke up.

I was peace. I was tranquility. I was serenity.

Do you have any water dreams? Do you ever wonder what they mean? Join me in the next part to find out soon. You can send your comments here or your stories in methanol1988@gmail.com

Live and let die

I have come to realize a thing today that i have been laying in bed. I spent my nights being tortured by nightmares, feeling constricted by my past, future and even present sometimes. But even for a moment, this moment i am writing this, i feel serene.

I was there lying on my stomach, eyes closed after reading an email that made a beeping sound on my phone at 16:12 pm. I simply closed my eyes and tried to isolate my thoughts finally. I was formless, shapeless. I was water flowing through life. And when i entered something i took its shape, i took its form, i took its feelings, its state. So when i entered something that caused pain, it caused me pain as well. But when i started to flow once more outside the item or person i glided again into the unknown.

In the beginning i saw myself entering a bottle. The bottle was small, like a bottle of water. I pictured it a bit like my life right now. Constricted and trapped in emotions and situations. At points i changed phase and instead of the water itself, i saw myself in first person drowning in that small plastic thing.

Shortly after, a bullet came out of nowhere and the bottle exploded, releasing the water in every direction. I felt free for that moment once more, then i became the bullet. I did not travel far, but when i stopped i exploded like a firework and the dust dissipated on the fictional ground.

I thought i would stay there forever, stale and immovable. But then again the water came out of nowhere and became one with me, became me once more. We kept going and going, taking the shape of the ground, overcoming every obstacle.

We hit a giant wall. There seemed to be no way forward. It was a giant concrete wall, like the Berlin Wall. And there when all hope seemed lost and my journey looked to reach an end as the water furiously hit the wall in anger, a small crack began to show.

Water can eat rock, it can find its way through everything given enough time. I pushed and pushed and finally more came out the other way. In the end, i appeared in third person wielding a giant hammer and i gave the wall a titanic strike in slow motion, tearing it down in one go. Myself looked at me and smiled. I smiled at me with that genuine loving smile i am known for after such a long time.

The journey continued. I glided more and more. There was a heart-shaped object. It was full of dust and ashes. But i took the shape of a heart and water cleaned everything. I started beating again, because i am the heartbeat of a true heart. And if i am grateful for someone that knows who she is, is that i learned that i am special and that i can be loved and that i have something worth loving.

After restoring the heart i left again. I saw three figures. The first one was pale and cold and did not even wave goodbye. I smiled and she dissipated in the background like the shifting sands. The second one had a yellowish dress, a midsommar flower headband that is traditional in Sweden. I smiled at her as well and let myself go down the road once more, flowing, sensing. The last one was accompanied by a dog, a dog very familiar to me, my own Flicka. I smiled at her as well and she blurred out slowly.

When all of these shapes were gone i was alone. The journey was not over, it was actually about to begin. I was still water and at least for this brief moment of writing i can see with clarity and wisdom what lies ahead. But no matter what lies ahead, i will take its shape. And when i feel like i am drowning i will flow once more. Just like water does.

I opened my eyes. It was just 16:23 pm.

This is my story

A lot of things have happened since the last post in December. I live in Finland now until June. I am halfway through my thesis. I spend too many hours in the house watching Twitch and playing silly video games.

I have been writing a book. It may or may not be released ever. It is based on a true story. As i try to banish these thoughts from my head making it a daily struggle i thought i could write a bit here, a few fragments and share with whomever happens to be around. A message to everyone: Even though a choice comes back to haunt you and your dreams, do not regret it. It happened for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. So without much introduction, here's a section based on a true story. If people like it, i will share more. Enjoy.

"She promised me we would wake up at 4:21 to catch the bus around 5 am. We both set our alarms around that hour and we kept talking and hugging until time passed and it was over midnight. I told her to save her strength and take a short nap as I was anxious and could not sleep, fearing of not waking up. I watcher her sleep and I decided to lie next to her, smelling her hair and neck, trying to absorb that smell and keep it forever with me.

Eventually I fell asleep. A few hours passed and I woke up by sheer luck around 4:40. In the beginning I was happy. We were sleeping together, holding hands, like inseparable partners. It was the second time I had that feeling i felt in October 21st, that it was here that I belong. Then happiness gave way to panic as I saw the time and woke her up. She panicked too and we started looking for alternatives. It was not easy moving around the deep snow with 5 bags weighting so much. I watched her dress, I watched her care, I watched her have a deep sorrow in her eyes.

We found out a time that we could barely scrape it to the bus and the train at 5:26. We dragged my bags through the snow for 15 minutes in a massive struggle towards the bus stop in Flogstavagen. She was powering forward without stop, determined and strong. If only she knew how much i admired her. Once we reached the bus stop we waited there, it was cold. It took 10 minutes for the bus to arrive and we hopped on in the middle, tethering the luggage with a belt and sitting together on top of them.

When we finally made it to the train station we run with as much strength we had left to catch the train. It was leaving in 3, 2, 1 minute. But when we went to the platform there was no train. It was Sunday and the next train left in 30 minutes at 5:56. I would barely make it to the ship. I sat there with a big void in my eyes while she comforted me. I was about to leave her forever and she was still strong for me.

The train came. We sat side by side and I held her hand strongly while caressing her hand with my fingers. She was wearing the ring i gave her underneath her gloves. A ring that i carried through my entire life since 1998 and I will never see it again. Nor I will see her. The only thing she didn't know was that I had another ring with me. I ring I planned to give her in June 3rd, right after my thesis presentation. It was a vows ring that had a name engraved on it "Νικη Μανδηλαρη Σαρρη". It was the only thing that kept me going.

We once more raced through the train platforms of Stockholm towards the taxis. There was no traffic so there was a glimmer of hope of making it there with the ship leaving at 7:45. It would be close. The taxi driver asked some questions and when we said we are from Greece he began talking in broken Greek as well. He was an expat from the Middle East that loved Greece for his holiday destination. He took us as fast as possible to the ship docks. My heart was racing.

I bought a ticket and was ready to go through the passageway alone to the ship. I don't know how i found the strength to carry 5 bags. I said a quick goodbye to her and a kiss and run and run and run. Bags were falling, but i kept going. And then i reached the entrance of the ship. It would leave in 5 minutes. I stood there watching as the steward urged me to enter the ship or risk missing it.

I turned back and run to the lobby. She called me to see if I made it. I lied and said that the ship left early. It was all a big lie. It was a lie because I missed the ship on purpose so I got to spend another day with her. I could see the small happiness within the sorrow in her eyes. We would spend 12 hours wandering in Stockholm together. I held her hand once more with pride and squeezed it as much as I could as we walked our way towards Gamla Stan to find a coffee shop to sit and relax. I stopped and looked at the purple sky of Stockholm admiring its beauty. I told her "This is not how I expected us to see Stockholm together, but it is so beautiful".

We walked  towards the center and sat down in a shop called Espresso House. It was the dirtiest coffee shop we had ever seen. We took some juice and bread and we sat on the couch removing our shoes. We cuddled as I held her hand and legs. That is how that day started, a day of happiness, love, sorrow and pain."

We don't talk anymore as she blocked me from her life. She doesn't know everything and probably doesn't want to anymore. She is having a good life. I am happy for her. The sun is burning bright in Turku right now. And so is my passion. I hoped you like my story. I will close out with a song. A song I have handwritten among other things and wanted to mail it to her for her birthday in September 4th. Do you think I should, or should I let her walk her own path?

Song by Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Θα σε αγαπώ μέχρι να κλείσω τα μάτια μου. Είχες δίκιο, διάλεξα να μείνω μακριά σου. Είχες δίκιο, μου δώθηκαν άπειρες ευκαιρίες.  Αν το διαβάσεις αυτό ποτέ, θα σε αγαπώ όσο καμία. Δεν ήσουν ποτέ δεύτερη. Ήσουν η Νίκη της καρδιάς μου και ήθελα θέλω να γίνεις η Νίκη της ζωής μου.