I was still strapped on the bed. I decided to stop struggling as there was no way to free myself. It was all in my head. Freedom lied inside. And I would find it no matter what obstacle I had to overcome.
Some doctor came along with a nurse.
"You are a disease...we cut your hand to give you an example", he said.
"I hate you", I replied.
He left a sinister laugh as he fed from my anger.
"That's it, give in to the hate, let it consume you, you are meant to be unhappy for the rest of your life", he said.
Then I understood.
"I do not hate you anymore. I feel sorry for you. I forgive you".
The moment I uttered those words his laughter froze into place. It gave wave to devilish anger and respite. His skin started burning and I could see his cells fleeing his body like ash. A scream of a burning man was the last thing I heard. Everything began to blur once more. Things started to float and time appeared to stand still. It was like I figured out a hole in the fabric of time and I was ready to jump through it. I closed my eyes.
I went back into trance again. I started to get used to mystical fumes appearing out of nowhere. I would find my paradise once more. But first I had to battle the fellow seekers of truth, other spirits that attempted to find paradise and failed, getting transformed into evil spirits that thrived on agony and spiritual pain.
I opened my eyes once more waiting to see the unexpected.
I stood up from the ground once more. The ground was gravel with a mix of rock and had a brown-red color. There was a small bush and a beautiful lonely tree. Half of its leaves were flying peacefully in the air. This small piece of land was surrounded by water. But it was not just water, it was red like a pool of blood. The only way to move forward was a small path towards a giant arch that oozed some type of energy sucking me towards it. A white tiger roared in the distance and a magical dagger made out of a dragon's tooth appeared in my belt.
I walked towards the door. There was a gust of wind hindering my movement. The familiar strange voice spoke through me.
"Wind, obey my command".
The gust turned into a slight breeze, a breeze that cooled my shoulders and washed away my problems. With renewed enthusiasm I reached the door, entering a cave.
It was pitch black but there was light in the end of the tunnel. I approached it and saw a weird creature with horns. It turned around. It had no eyes. Its eyesockets were filled with a dark blue aura. It marched towards me with intent. It jumped on me and threw me to the ground. I had never seen such ferocity, such anger towards a living thing.
The creature pulls a dagger and tried to stab me and drain the last drip of blood from my body. I was shocked and my heart rate rose so high I could hear it beating in my chest like a ticking time bomb. I pulled out my dagger and pierced him in the heart. It left a terrifying shriek and dissolved into the same blue smoke that came out of its eyes. I looked at the dagger. The blade was shining and I could see my reflection. I was 19 years old again. I would name it "heartpiercer".
I finally realized during my struggle that my left arm was back after getting cut off. But instead of flesh, it was made from a silver coated metal. Like one part of me that I did not want left my body and got replace by something unknown, uncomfortable, yet powerful and enticing. I felt sorrow for losing a piece of me but on the same time some relief and excitement for what this new thing could do.
That moment I once again felt peace. But that meant only one thing. Something was about to disturb it. I turned around and a giant bird with a huge metal beak, dark blue feathers and armor made its descend towards me, ready to snap me with its claws. I could see fire and seething anger right into its eyes. It clearly did not want me to be there. I had to face another reality once more. From paradise to hell.
As it touched me with its claws everything turned black and I fell. I fell deep down in the abyss like a lifeless body. I was not afraid.
| A tear in the fabric of time. |
Traveling through the thread of time is interesting. It can go extremely fast, like good moments and like your heart beats during love, but on the other hand when things turn badly, it your heart can stand still in time and space and not let you forget.
But every time you try your best to travel back and fix the wrongs in your life you end up creating a time paradox, an alternate reality and the tiger appears and claws the fabric, creating a hole in your life.
A hole that you cannot mend. A whole that you do not know is there, but you feel like a part of you is missing.
I closed my eyes waiting for the next trip back to the harsh reality. Would it be war again?
In the blink of an eye I am on a boat. I still have my metallic arm, my dagger too. But I also have a shield. Like a mixture of the Winter Soldier with Steve Rogers. Why do I dream about that? Is it just because it is my favorite heroes or is it something deeper?
I look around the boat. We are 5 people. The leader in the front is strangely reminiscent of me. He is called Jaroslav. He talks about protecting the environment, protecting our values and standing by our beliefs. The woman next to me listens to him with admiration. I was not sure if she was a zealot or a true believer in whatever cause we had.
Jaroslav talks about this being a hit and run operation. Operation flashpoint. Cheezy, but I liked it. The boat was going fast, sliding between the waters as we were marching towards a gigantic whaling boat. He throws some packages to me. I check them out. C4. Plastic explosives. Things just got serious.
"You are our only hope. You are the only one that can take them down and claim back the Earth. You will blow them up and it will be glorious", Jaroslav said.
I nodded, thinking that for once I would do the right thing. I felt important, I felt that I could protect the people I loved and also protect the environment. I was a fool. As I said, ignorance is a fool's bane.
We reached the whaling boat. Jaroslav, Niko and Lars fired up the grappling hooks. They would act as my support. Liara would stay in the boat ready for extraction and Nina would be a scout.
Sirens echoed from the ship. They were on us. I had to rush towards the cargo and place the C4 in the key structural point and sink it down the blue abyss as a statement.
We rushed towards the steel door and I hammered it down with my metallic arm. I felt its power taking over me. It was a guilty pleasure. Gunshots were heard. We made our way towards the stomach of the ship. Enemy gunmen kept popping up from everywhere. In every room we lost a squad member. Every time somebody died, they turned into the same dark blue ash that the creature in my paradise had. Every time I plunged the edge of my dagger on someone's neck they gave me a brief look of satisfaction, as this was their plan.
I turned around and looked at my fallen comrades, ready to place my C4 and claim victory. They were wounded, borderline dead, looking at me with expectation.
"Place the explosives, claim victory, crush them. Finish your mission", they said.
But I noticed that dark blue smoke was also coming from their wounds.
And then it occurred to me. This was no different than the desert mission. Instead of having to blindly follow orders and kill innocent people just because mankind is supposed to fight each other I experienced the other side of things. That side of people that fuels them with fanaticism for the cause and another type of hate breeds inside them, completely crossing the line of what is worth fighting for. Who are you to judge who should live or die, who are you to judge the way that people should or should not be allowed to behave. Who am I to decide if killing innocents or killing the "bad" whalers is correct? I went from one extreme to the other. I was reliving my life in 2012-2014 all over again in a different context.
I don't want to be that person. I want to be a well balanced individual that fights through words, creations, determination and the willpower to create a sustainable environment for everyone, without being judgemental, discriminating, hateful and all the things I failed to assess growing up. Never take advantage of others and never base your own success trampling over them.
As Jaroslav drew his dying breath, I looked at him and dropped my dagger on the ground.
"There will be no more killing", I said.
His eyes turned blue and he left the most horrendous shriek, turning into the giant bird that brought me here in the first place and disappearing into thin air.
It was all a test. I was the seeker of truth.
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