Sunday, June 26, 2016

Live and let die

I have come to realize a thing today that i have been laying in bed. I spent my nights being tortured by nightmares, feeling constricted by my past, future and even present sometimes. But even for a moment, this moment i am writing this, i feel serene.



I was there lying on my stomach, eyes closed after reading an email that made a beeping sound on my phone at 16:12 pm. I simply closed my eyes and tried to isolate my thoughts finally. I was formless, shapeless. I was water flowing through life. And when i entered something i took its shape, i took its form, i took its feelings, its state. So when i entered something that caused pain, it caused me pain as well. But when i started to flow once more outside the item or person i glided again into the unknown.

In the beginning i saw myself entering a bottle. The bottle was small, like a bottle of water. I pictured it a bit like my life right now. Constricted and trapped in emotions and situations. At points i changed phase and instead of the water itself, i saw myself in first person drowning in that small plastic thing.

Shortly after, a bullet came out of nowhere and the bottle exploded, releasing the water in every direction. I felt free for that moment once more, then i became the bullet. I did not travel far, but when i stopped i exploded like a firework and the dust dissipated on the fictional ground.

I thought i would stay there forever, stale and immovable. But then again the water came out of nowhere and became one with me, became me once more. We kept going and going, taking the shape of the ground, overcoming every obstacle.

We hit a giant wall. There seemed to be no way forward. It was a giant concrete wall, like the Berlin Wall. And there when all hope seemed lost and my journey looked to reach an end as the water furiously hit the wall in anger, a small crack began to show.

Water can eat rock, it can find its way through everything given enough time. I pushed and pushed and finally more came out the other way. In the end, i appeared in third person wielding a giant hammer and i gave the wall a titanic strike in slow motion, tearing it down in one go. Myself looked at me and smiled. I smiled at me with that genuine loving smile i am known for after such a long time.

The journey continued. I glided more and more. There was a heart-shaped object. It was full of dust and ashes. But i took the shape of a heart and water cleaned everything. I started beating again, because i am the heartbeat of a true heart. And if i am grateful for someone that knows who she is, is that i learned that i am special and that i can be loved and that i have something worth loving.

After restoring the heart i left again. I saw three figures. The first one was pale and cold and did not even wave goodbye. I smiled and she dissipated in the background like the shifting sands. The second one had a yellowish dress, a midsommar flower headband that is traditional in Sweden. I smiled at her as well and let myself go down the road once more, flowing, sensing. The last one was accompanied by a dog, a dog very familiar to me, my own Flicka. I smiled at her as well and she blurred out slowly.

When all of these shapes were gone i was alone. The journey was not over, it was actually about to begin. I was still water and at least for this brief moment of writing i can see with clarity and wisdom what lies ahead. But no matter what lies ahead, i will take its shape. And when i feel like i am drowning i will flow once more. Just like water does.

I opened my eyes. It was just 16:23 pm.


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