Monday, January 26, 2015

I am not hurting people, they just make me do it

Why do people hurt each other? Is it in our genes? A desire to say and do things that make others lose their temper and say extraordinary words they would not say in any parallel universe?

Maybe it is like a virus, like an alien, hidden dormant within us and waits for the moment to crawl its way out of your mouth and poison your thoughts, your imagination, your judgement and turn you into a savage beast that hungers for revenge.

Or maybe it is purpose. Cause and effect. Purpose defines us, binds us, guides us. Cause and effect is everywhere as well. You say something that you didn't give much thought, or phrased it wrong, or maybe someone transferred your words wrongly and paraphrased them and now the angry pack of wolves is out to hunt you down, make you cower in a hellish corner and wait for the impending doom.

Choice. Talk about that. What is democracy? A way for some others to enforce their opinion in the end? Or is it the choice of many? It is always about choice. Someone will always be dissatisfied. As i looked outside my frozen window today i saw choice. The choice to be where i want to be, struggling for existence but under my own rules. And nobody will ever take that away from me.

It is my choice to make whom i trust and where i share my secrets. Until Saturday that was around 5 people. Today it is only 3. When i do something wrong i realize it and accept it. However there are times when you know that trying to present your arguments even if they are valid will not make a difference. Watch out who you share your thoughts with. It is like a broken telephone and in the end, you will be fixing both the line and the device.

This reminded me of a story i was involved with back when i was around 10 years old. As a little child i had to conjure a lot of lies in order to keep secrets or fool my father. That however followed me in my life outside our house, as i tended not to keep secrets, fabricate stories and spread rumors in order to hide my own insecurities and have a false hope of at least appearing popular to the rest in class.

I had that really good friend Stavros with whom i seldom talk once every year now during his birthday. We lost each other after i went to university. His father's passing affected him greatly and he was caught in a spiral of self conflict for years. I am glad to see that now he is a straight A scholarship student in Athens and is very passionate about public speaking and his political beliefs.

So our moms were very close too. I overheard something on the phone and i thought i heard the words Kalashnikov and chase. I presumed that his dad had chased his mom with a gun like this.
I told many people in class and school. And you know that especially in these ages and those environments rumors spread quite easily. It was a Friday night when we were all outside in the center playing. I miss those days. I learned that he was looking for me and then i realized what i had done. I was so afraid to face him and so ashamed as well. So i went to another friend's printing press building and he hid me there. Stavros arrived and i was hidden right behind him under a desk. My friend did not rat me out.

The outcome? A memory and shame that i will carry with me for the rest of my life. It took him years to talk to me again. And you know how we talked again? In a computer class outside school. Through Pokemon. He said "No matter what you did i could never hold a grudge against you". I will remember that day until i die.

Since then i tried not to hurt other people and tried to be overcautious with things i say. But thinking too much sometimes makes things worse. Sometimes you just care for someone and you ask them what are their plans for the future and it sounds so bad like you are judging them. I am not judgmental. I am not a sinner nor a saint.

This is simply some food for thought. And i am fairly sure that if this is read by the wrong people it will sound equally bad. But that is not my intention. I just want to get this out of my system. For i have clear conscience and i explained my points, even though apparently they never reached the target.

And remember, people will fail you. They will always do. Even the ones that you consider closest to you. But when you find that person that sticks by you in the hard times and instead of bashing you relentlessly when you do a mistake he holds your hand, criticizes you with justified arguments and then picks you up and gives you a pat on the back, keep him/her. It is funny how i wrote that article about friendship a few days ago and now i have to write this. I will still give my left arm and leg for some people. That number just got lower that's all.

I will leave you with a beautiful picture a friend of mine took from the Canaries.

Goodnight Sweden. I would like to hear your thoughts or stories down below in the comment section.

I wish i was there right now.

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