Thursday, May 22, 2014

X-Men - Days of The Future CRAP (2014) Review

Get in the van, because we are going for a ride. A bumpy ride. A tirade of frustration, anger and money well spent.

""Days of Future Past" is, in itself, as intoxicating as a shot of adrenaline. It's what summer movies are meant to be!" (Washington Post).

" A mind-bending thrill ride with great special effects!" (Richard Roeper).

"This is a fantastic movie. It looks great, has very good performances from a whole bunch of actors who I like a lot, and stages action sequences that are both coherent and impressive. The screenplay might be the best part of all" (Entertainment Tell).

As usual, our hard-working critics let the world know why they should watch the new X-Men movie. I expected this movie for a year? I even mentioned that i am counting backwards until the premiere. Well, opinions of others in this world are usually heard and we humans tend to form opinions before we face the facts, watch something, see someone. I was reading some reviews today and i said "What the hell! Let's go and watch it!".

Ok, it's not worse than that, but right now...
It's the shittiest movie i have seen for the past year. Hopeless. Relentlessly bad. There was no mercy for like 2 hours. The best part was the break that i could stretch my legs for 10 minutes and do some sexting, the popcorn, when bad things happened to the lead supportive characters, iconic characters that i loved pushed aside. Oh, and when the film ended. I went home and removed all my clothes, because i felt DIRTY. I started hammering our food with a spatula.

Why me mommy?
And then all the reviews and the nice, carefully picked lines of the so called Top Critics just started a cataclysm in my head. It felt like the poor professor X trying to stop the pain from the million voices of the mutants people that had probably seen the movie and cried for their money refund in pain and agony.

You need a drug, most likely extacy or LCD to enjoy this movie. It is dull. Boring. Lacks action, character, script. The idea is nice, but the execution is horrible. This is a movie maybe for the die hard fans that do not want to miss a thing. Yet the only thing they will get is more questions. Oh, and how this abomination was released to the public. This is a personal opinion of course. I am demanding and a tough grader. But i do need to curve my enthusiasm about future releases.

Let's get to the point now. "SPOILERS AHEAD"!!

Jesus christ.
Soooooo. The script. The movie starts somewhere with a lot of snow. In the present, giant robots known as sentinels have been developed to destroy every mutant by tracking their X-gene. They can adapt to any power and they can shift forms and matter to destroy them. Oh, and they look a bit like Hammer's robots in Iron Man 2. Iconic X-Men are there to make their last stand (pun intended) and they decide that they have to send Wolverine back in time to prevent the man that designed them from being killed by Mystique/Raven who has gone rogue. If this man called Trask dies, then the sentinels will be made and kill them all in the present and erase their history.

So Kitty Pryde, who can now send people's conciousness back in time and not drain the life out of everything she touches, sends Wolfie back in time! Yay!

Wolverine has a big task ahead of him. He has to find Professor X's younger self, convince him that he was sent by himself from the future, make him ally with Magneto again, stop Mystique from killing Trask, save the mutants and wake up feeling all warm and cozy in his bed. The future is still going on, so he also has to be quick.

He finds Professor-X, who is a human wreck, a drunken mess that can walk but not retain his brain powers due to a serum made by beast, his own drug-addicted hiding furry drug supplier. Dope. Logan convinces him, they find Quicksilver and break Magneto out of a prison beneath the pentagon. He was there for killing JFK. Niiiiice.

They go on a quest to find Mystique, Magneto shoots her in the foot, chaos starts and the US president orders Trask to release the first 8 robot prototypes. Magneto wires them with metal, lifts a baseball stadium in the air and tries to kill all of them trying to achieve world domination and submission from the human race. Raven makes the right choice, Wolverine is drowing somewhere while the X-Men in the present are dying and the movie ends in the School for Gifted Children. Everything is great and everyone is alive. Oh i didn't even bother to stay for the post-credits scene. To hell with that.

This movie is for the hardcore fans. There are glimpses of what it could have been. But noooo, it had to suck. What exactly is wrong with this movie? I know! Let's make a list!
  • The movie sucks.
  • The most iconic X-Men are present but have a very limited role.
  • How can Kitty Pryde send people back.....never mind....
  • Aparently Wolverine loses his sense of humor when he goes back in time.
  • How on earth is Professor-X still alive after the events of the Last Stand? Who cares!
  • What's up with Mystique turning into a terrorist/freedom fighter?
  • I like the part where they infiltrate the pentagon with an amazing plan. And nobody cares.
  • Well the final battle in the White House is terrible and short, it has no flow or momentum.
  • In the same fight, the US president is about to die and nobody cares. There is no security, no military, nothing.
  • Did i mention that the movie SUCKS?
Wow! It has more negatives than the 1998 Godzilla movie! That makes for a great achievement! Get in the van! Flock to the cinema's and IMAX theaters and see this movie in 3D! Because i was lucky unlucky to see it only in 2D!

No need for words.

I think i will crawl back to my cave now, spend 3 days away from civilization and come back stronger with a calmer presense of mind. Because this was money well spent.

Movie Ratings
Script: 4/10 (It had potential though)
Audio: 8/10 (I should have given it a 1/10 because for 3 minutes we had no sound..)
Voice Acting: 7/10 (I find the young professor-X a terrible actor but Magneto is great)
Characters: 3/10 (Weak. the X-men we loved from the previous films are great, but absent)
Action Scenes: 2/10 (Do not see this if you expect to see loads of action)
Overall: 3/10

This movie was a dud for me. I do not recommend to go and watch it in the Cinema. It could be less painful and more enjoyable at home.

Please don't. Donate your hard earned money to me instead.

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