Sunday, May 21, 2017

Heroes of our time

Where have you been?
Been searching all along
Came facing twilight on and on
Without a clue
Without a sign
Without grasping yet
The real question to be asked

Where have I been?

Where have I been really? We are on life's path trying to find our purpose and success and trying to find our other half. Can someone tell me what is temptation and what is love before I go crazy? I gave everything, or maybe nothing and now I am erasing the dreams day by day. Can you do something to make the pain go away?

I just want to loudly scream "I can't take it anymore, I can't figure it out". But then again maybe the answer lies within me instead. Yes, that's it. I am grateful that there are a couple of people that still love me for what I am. I used to shine with the brightest flame and frankly I am surprised that they still can see it through all the darkness and the mask. I wear a mask at all times, hiding both face and mind, afraid that if I take off the mask the darkness will be revealed. Or maybe not anymore? Is it time for my second phoenix rebirth?

Sebastian threw me a punch in the ring last Thursday that was so strong that it made me dizzy. He kept pummeling me in the body with multiple shots, just like how life has been hitting me since that dreaded moment I met the girl with the flower headband. But instead of throwing punches at me, she only tried to throw me love. And I failed miserably. And 2 years later I am still here writing about it.

As Sebastian was hitting me with everything he had my mind was wondering in time and space while the pain was almost giving me a headache. But I knew I had to pull through. I always did. I waited for him to punch me and leave himself open and then I crushed his jaw with my right fist. I let a shriek that echoed strong within the room as there was a clash of bone and sinew.

He kept going. My stomach was purple and I wanted to fall on my knees and say "Please, that's enough". But instead I looked for another opening while allowing myself to be punched. Right hook, dove under and hit him right in the ribs, then with a left hook in the face. I understood how strong us humans can be and how important 1 punch can be when compared to dozens. Maybe I am a sadist or a masochist and I enjoy the pain somehow. Maybe it is a matter of upbringing and past memories.

I took a look at the only 2 pictures I have from her and me and they show my nadir and zenith. I took a deep breath and started talking to her. In the picture.

"Hej...I....I did something good today. I saved some people in the metro. I wish you could have seen me. I thought you would have been proud of me. Maybe even yell at me for being heroic and that I should not do these things so I can come back home safe."

When people asked me what is my greatest fear, I always replied that it was heights, or the fear of edges. But she made me realize that my greatest fear is being part of a family again. But you can't be a hero if you only care about yourself.

Apart from all the terrible things that happened to me and all the terrible feelings that I made you go through, we kept coming back. The reason I left you is the same reason I kept coming back. The fear, the pain of losing someone you care so much about and when you try falsely to protect them with the only way I know...pushing them away.

Sometimes..sometimes losing people is a part of life...but...this doesn't mean you should stop letting them in...Some very wise people taught me that. My life's love that I cherished the most reminded me how it is to feel loved again and what true love feels like. She taught me that I, for all my faults, have something that is worth loving.

I pushed myself to get out of the house more recently and I had real help from someone over the past month that I am so grateful for that it is difficult to put into words. She stands just 1.52 cm over the ground but she stands tall like a mountain. She might not realize it but she is one of the most important people that I have met lately and one of the reasons I am putting some extra effort and to get out of my comfort zone. I would rather be surrounded by 1-2 people like her than a whole horde of people that don't really care about me and text me only when Facebook reminds them that it is my birthday. So thank you. I love you for what you are.

I'm a shapeshifter. What else could I be?

Goodnight Sweden

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