Legendary defender

As most kids do when they grow up, I loved cartoons. I remember waking up before school when I was a little nerdy boy to the smell of hot chocolate milk that actually tasted horribly for me. Mom used to bring it to me and I was so half asleep that I was unable to resist that. And of course "milk is good to make your bones strong", mom said.

School started around 8pm and I had about 25-30 minutes to wake up, have breakfast and prepare around 6am. That was the time when you could open the TV in the late 90's and see those awesome supercool cartoons like looney toons or Dragonball, or even the spooky Goosebumps.

My favorite animated series and the first memory of such a VHS tape was Voltron: Defender of the Universe that dates back until 1986 or so. I remember a specific night that my parents were away and I was alone at home with grandma who was there to keep an eye on me. I do not remember how I managed to possess that VHS tape but it was the first time I ever saw it. It was about 1-1.5 hours long. I found out 20 years later when I remembered the series that in essence it was just the first 2-3 episodes cut together into a nice little mini-movie.

The moment I plugged the VHS tape in the player and the intro started, I was hooked. The music, the story, the atmosphere. I loved it. I watched it back to back 2-3 times that night just because I felt so good about it. It was rare to find those tapes back then so I ended up forgetting about Voltron for a long time.

For those who do not know, or are too young to remember, Voltron was a robot made from 5 robot lions piloted by some young space explorers. I still remember the amazing lion roar when the blazing sword was formed. Good times.

Anyways, what on earth does all this have to do with my life right? Well I guess there is another of those mysterious and cryptic allegories.

Back then the universe was peaceful and protected by this mighty defender. Their strength lied in their teamwork, ethics, determination and they were strong together. Voltron would strike fear in the hearts of his enemies. One day, an evil witch named Haggar that serves as a servant of the main antagonist, disguised herself and appeared in trouble. When Voltron came to help, she put a powerful curse and the 5 robot lions were split and tossed in different parts of the galaxy, becoming dormant for years. Chaos reigned supreme once more.

In the end, a new team of brave space explorers assembled, tracked down the robot lions and once more formed Voltron to defeat evil.

I woke up today really early and thought about the same thing. I used to be so strong and unfazed by the issues of daily life. Then since 2012 and then in August 2015 a series of problems began to manifest. Death, the girl in the yellow dress, injuries, diseases and economic stress all took their toll on me. Like that curse, my power and strength was split into pieces. My mental and physical health was scattered everywhere in the known multiverse. I could not form my own Voltron anymore. I can't believe over a year has passed since August 2015. We lived and died together for 6 months. Then I died alone. But finally I feel some form of peace now.

But lately things are falling back in place again slowly. I cannot believe I finally got my degree in Hydrogeology. Two years, two hard years have passed in Uppsala University. Two years of blood and bone. Not only that, I have my first important job interview next week in a big consulting firm. I am cautiously excited. Most of my survival problems will go away if I get the job and most importantly I will begin to fulfill my life's goal, to create a sustainable society and bring clean water and energy to people.

The other day I had lunch with Reyes and her friend Agnes. She asked me if I just woke up in the morning and went there for 30 minutes just to see them.

"What better excuse than to see a dear friend?", I replied.

Her face lit up with a smile and gave me a high five. It is nice to have some people you can actually call friends here. I think I can call Josefine, Eleonor, Reyes, Imenne, Efi and a couple more my friends here. Even though I do not see them often (more like rarely) it still feels nice. Eleonor is one of the few people that actually invites me out even in the last moment, it is so appreciated. They will probably never read those words, but I love them :)

So if there is a moral in all this story, it is that all the pieces of the puzzle are slowly falling in place. My mental health is much better than last year, I graduated, I hope I am in the verge of finding a job. After that, the last step will be to make a beautiful family in the future. I am tracking down my lions, one at a time. Finding a house, finding friends, finding a job, getting my health back and then the last lion. The black lion. The head of Voltron.

Goodnight and good day everyone.

I am a raccoon and I have rights

Some things are going great, some things are going bad and some things are average. Some more than others. Just your classic circle of life.

I am having my first super important interview next week and I am so pumped up about it which is interesting as in my situation you would expect me to be nervous. But I am not at all.

My facebook page keeps bombarding me with memories from my first year in Finland. I cherish every single one of those memories and it feels me with nostalgia, smiles and a lot of melancholy since something happened very recently. In the end I am probably a masochist begging for pain and emotional warfare. I wish you still talked to me. You just disappeared from my view. Just like my song. I miss you.

My swedish is going pretty great. I feel progress every single day. I study hard whenever I can and it shows. I haven't met any new people so I am still alone against the world but it is alright. Most of my problems will go away if I land this job. And when I set my mind to something, I get it.

This blog has went from renaming to opening and closing, to gaming, movie reviews, satire, serious posts, melancholy and pieces of my life, inspiration and just random blabbering. I have received no support from anyone, but somehow we have managed to almost be at 40000 viewers, which is astonishing for me. So many random people have found themselves here reading what turned out to be just my diary, just a place where you can learn more about a random guy in Sweden called Kostas who misses Finland and a dog a lot.

Thank you for that. Thank you for the overwhelming support in the Death's Bite series too. Lately I have been dreaming of a white tiger. Let's see what life brings next week. And yes, the title makes no sense.

Goodnight Sweden.

Death's Bite - The Seeker of Truth

I was still strapped on the bed. I decided to stop struggling as there was no way to free myself. It was all in my head. Freedom lied inside. And I would find it no matter what obstacle I had to overcome.

Some doctor came along with a nurse.

"You are a disease...we cut your hand to give you an example", he said.

"I hate you", I replied.

He left a sinister laugh as he fed from my anger.

"That's it, give in to the hate, let it consume you, you are meant to be unhappy for the rest of your life", he said.

Then I understood.

"I do not hate you anymore. I feel sorry for you. I forgive you".

The moment I uttered those words his laughter froze into place. It gave wave to devilish anger and respite. His skin started burning and I could see his cells fleeing his body like ash. A scream of a burning man was the last thing I heard. Everything began to blur once more. Things started to float and time appeared to stand still. It was like I figured out a hole in the fabric of time and I was ready to jump through it. I closed my eyes.

I went back into trance again. I started to get used to mystical fumes appearing out of nowhere. I would find my paradise once more. But first I had to battle the fellow seekers of truth, other spirits that attempted to find paradise and failed, getting transformed into evil spirits that thrived on agony and spiritual pain.

I opened my eyes once more waiting to see the unexpected.

I stood up from the ground once more. The ground was gravel with a mix of rock and had a brown-red color. There was a small bush and a beautiful lonely tree. Half of its leaves were flying peacefully in the air. This small piece of land was surrounded by water. But it was not just water, it was red like a pool of blood. The only way to move forward was a small path towards a giant arch that oozed some type of energy sucking me towards it. A white tiger roared in the distance and a magical dagger made out of a dragon's tooth appeared in my belt.

I walked towards the door. There was a gust of wind hindering my movement. The familiar strange voice spoke through me.

"Wind, obey my command".

The gust turned into a slight breeze, a breeze that cooled my shoulders and washed away my problems. With renewed enthusiasm I reached the door, entering a cave.

It was pitch black but there was light in the end of the tunnel. I approached it and saw a weird creature with horns. It turned around. It had no eyes. Its eyesockets were filled with a dark blue aura. It marched towards me with intent. It jumped on me and threw me to the ground. I had never seen such ferocity, such anger towards a living thing.

The creature pulls a dagger and tried to stab me and drain the last drip of blood from my body. I was shocked and my heart rate rose so high I could hear it beating in my chest like a ticking time bomb. I pulled out my dagger and pierced him in the heart. It left a terrifying shriek and dissolved into the same blue smoke that came out of its eyes. I looked at the dagger. The blade was shining and I could see my reflection. I was 19 years old again. I would name it "heartpiercer".

I finally realized during my struggle that my left arm was back after getting cut off. But instead of flesh, it was made from a silver coated metal. Like one part of me that I did not want left my body and got replace by something unknown, uncomfortable, yet powerful and enticing. I felt sorrow for losing a piece of me but on the same time some relief and excitement for what this new thing could do.

That moment I once again felt peace. But that meant only one thing. Something was about to disturb it. I turned around and a giant bird with a huge metal beak, dark blue feathers and armor made its descend towards me, ready to snap me with its claws. I could see fire and seething anger right into its eyes. It clearly did not want me to be there. I had to face another reality once more. From paradise to hell.

As it touched me with its claws everything turned black and I fell. I fell deep down in the abyss like a lifeless body. I was not afraid.

A tear in the fabric of time.

Traveling through the thread of time is interesting. It can go extremely fast, like good moments and like your heart beats during love, but on the other hand when things turn badly, it your heart can stand still in time and space and not let you forget.

But every time you try your best to travel back and fix the wrongs in your life you end up creating a time paradox, an alternate reality and the tiger appears and claws the fabric, creating a hole in your life. 

A hole that you cannot mend. A whole that you do not know is there, but you feel like a part of you is missing.

I closed my eyes waiting for the next trip back to the harsh reality. Would it be war again?

In the blink of an eye I am on a boat. I still have my metallic arm, my dagger too. But I also have a shield. Like a mixture of the Winter Soldier with Steve Rogers. Why do I dream about that? Is it just because it is my favorite heroes or is it something deeper?

I look around the boat. We are 5 people. The leader in the front is strangely reminiscent of me. He is called Jaroslav. He talks about protecting the environment, protecting our values and standing by our beliefs. The woman next to me listens to him with admiration. I was not sure if she was a zealot or a true believer in whatever cause we had.

Jaroslav talks about this being a hit and run operation. Operation flashpoint. Cheezy, but I liked it. The boat was going fast, sliding between the waters as we were marching towards a gigantic whaling boat. He throws some packages to me. I check them out. C4. Plastic explosives. Things just got serious.

"You are our only hope. You are the only one that can take them down and claim back the Earth. You will blow them up and it will be glorious", Jaroslav said.

I nodded, thinking that for once I would do the right thing. I felt important, I felt that I could protect the people I loved and also protect the environment. I was a fool. As I said, ignorance is a fool's bane.

We reached the whaling boat. Jaroslav, Niko and Lars fired up the grappling hooks. They would act as my support. Liara would stay in the boat ready for extraction and Nina would be a scout.

Sirens echoed from the ship. They were on us. I had to rush towards the cargo and place the C4 in the key structural point and sink it down the blue abyss as a statement.

We rushed towards the steel door and I hammered it down with my metallic arm. I felt its power taking over me. It was a guilty pleasure. Gunshots were heard. We made our way towards the stomach of the ship. Enemy gunmen kept popping up from everywhere. In every room we lost a squad member. Every time somebody died, they turned into the same dark blue ash that the creature in my paradise had. Every time I plunged the edge of my dagger on someone's neck they gave me a brief look of satisfaction, as this was their plan.

I turned around and looked at my fallen comrades, ready to place my C4 and claim victory. They were wounded, borderline dead, looking at me with expectation.

"Place the explosives, claim victory, crush them. Finish your mission", they said.

But I noticed that dark blue smoke was also coming from their wounds.

And then it occurred to me. This was no different than the desert mission. Instead of having to blindly follow orders and kill innocent people just because mankind is supposed to fight each other I experienced the other side of things. That side of people that fuels them with fanaticism for the cause and another type of hate breeds inside them, completely crossing the line of what is worth fighting for. Who are you to judge who should live or die, who are you to judge the way that people should or should not be allowed to behave. Who am I to decide if killing innocents or killing the "bad" whalers is correct? I went from one extreme to the other. I was reliving my life in 2012-2014 all over again in a different context.

I don't want to be that person. I want to be a well balanced individual that fights through words, creations, determination and the willpower to create a sustainable environment for everyone, without being judgemental, discriminating, hateful and all the things I failed to assess growing up. Never take advantage of others and never base your own success trampling over them.

As Jaroslav drew his dying breath, I looked at him and dropped my dagger on the ground.

"There will be no more killing", I said.

His eyes turned blue and he left the most horrendous shriek, turning into the giant bird that brought me here in the first place and disappearing into thin air.

It was all a test. I was the seeker of truth.

Death's Bite - Arrival

I made my way into the school bathroom trying to keep my composure. I felt sorrow taking over and I fled from the classroom for a brief moment after talking with Olga about things. I closed the door and a few tears were finally set free, feeling hot like sprouting blood, gashing red in color coming out of a fresh wound. It needed to be released.

I came back to class, where I heard the Persian woman give us some words of encouragement, while my greek colleagues were discussing in the other side of the room. I was waiting for the doorbell, just like when back in school, ready to rush towards home and flee the bullies, entering my imaginary world of video games, where I could be whoever I wanted whenever I wanted.

Three...Two...One...Clock was 20:30. Halv nio. Another Kostas drove me towards my home and I shopped a few necessities in the nearby supermarket.

I made it home. I put everything in the fridge, removed my contact lenses and went straight into bed. I went into this deep sleep, creating this new world in my head.

I woke up. I was in my cozy house, feeling the warmth of the nearby radiator comforting my skin on a rainy day. Standing up I noticed the last picture of the girl in the yellow dress. Just standing there on the bed head, smiling, with the flower-band on her head. N for Victory.

I smiled and deep melancholy drenched my soul. Then drums and ominous music took over the premises like in movies, instigating cataclysmic events. I went towards the door. It was a beautiful door, grey in color, made from wood. Wood that was probably marooned in a vast forest from a tiny spit of sand around the globe. There was a shaking of the ground. Should I open the door? Should I just take the blue pill and return to my normal life accepting defeat and being plunged in melancholy, or should I take the red pill and fight my fears head on?

Without hesitation I opened the door. A gigantic tidal wave was making its way towards me, sweeping everything in its path. It crushed houses and dreams. The echoes of the screaming citizens seeing their life's dreams and hard work reduced to ashes rang deep into my ears.

Frozen still, trying to absorb the moment I slowly walked backwards. I accepted the impending doom. I took a last deep breath as the giant wave crashed into my house, creating a large whirlpool that sucked everything inside with tremendous force.

As I accepted my fate and patiently awaited my death, the picture of the girl in the yellow dress was floating close to me. It was made of printed paper so it would quickly dissolve. I tried to grab it with the last bit of strength I could muster but every time I reached to grab it, she magically got away from me...It was time to let go. I closed my eyes and patiently waited for death to grab my hand and we would walk away together.

I felt a cool breeze. Snow. Something was different. I opened up my eyes, not knowing what would appear in front of me. I was on top of a mountain. A mountain so big, surrounded by snow, ice and loneliness. Initially I felt scared. What was going on? There was a burial site made of rocks with a giant cross. I walked towards it and I checked the made up tombstone.

It had my name on it. But something was wrong, it said borne 1988 but the death date was not inscribed. Was I really dead? But then who I was and how I was there?

The tomb was next to a steep edge. Having a fear of edges, I took a deep breath and looked down. It was a deep fall, surrounded by mist and looked like an endless pit, ready to absorb you as you plummeted to your death. But then I saw a valley and a sparkling light. I knew why I was there.

A voice talked to me in a strange language inside my head. I understood.

"All I have to do is jump"

And I jumped. The adrenaline running through my veins, once more expecting to hit the hard rock. But mid-fall it came back to me again. It was time to cut the rope and fly to the dream. Right across the sea into the dark chest of wonders. I dove head first. The mist tried to surround me but I was determined. Determined to endure and move forward. I did not come this far for nothing.

I could hear the voice still inside my head. To my surprise, instead of colliding with the rock I went straight through it, ending up swimming in red waters and instead of going down, I was going up. The water was painted crimson red, like when the sea swallows the sun in the distance. There was a whirl and fish of beautiful colors were swimming around me, propelling me forward. The voice was still talking. Who are you? What do you want from me?

A hand appeared, sprouting out of the waters, waiting for me to reach out and get it. I was afraid. Should I trust a stranger, let alone a voice in my head? Then again what was real? Should I deny a helping hand? Should I cut the hand that tried to rescue me, just because of my own misconceptions?

It pulled me out of the water. I felt safe. Then I witnessed a magical, beautiful place with trees, blossomed pink flowers and peace. I felt peace. The voice spoke to me one last time at that moment.

"The only way you can witness paradise...is to live it."

The ground shook. Someone was trying to invade my paradise and take it away from me. It split open and the earth itself tried to drag me to hell, down to the core. What was happening? Why can't a catch a break?

The big black void ended soon and after traveling through time and space I immediately found myself on the ground in a desert. I took  look around and I saw soldiers. Soldiers with a blank stare, ready to follow orders. Ready to kill.

Before I realized what was going on I was handed a weapon. It was an M16 black assault rifle. It had a custom grip and seemed battle scarred. It was the first time in my life I saw it but when I held it I felt some strange familiarity with it. A weird cold pierced my soul. I had killed with that weapon before.

The captain punches me in the face. I can taste my own blood in my mouth.

"When I talk you listen. Now you go in with the others and kill them all. Leave no survivors. If you disobey, I will split your skull with my own hands."

Fear almost took over. Fear of expectation and disobedience. Of punishment and public respite.

Next thing I remember we are rushing through a city, my comrades shooting in cold blood women, children and men. Firing RPG's at households and innocent civilians and laughing with a sinister smile on their faces, brainwashed and cruel.

I had not fired a single shot and I was terrified. The others had brought a few prisoners and laid them down in the burning sand.

"What are you waiting for, put a bullet in their heads. This is what we are meant to do. To kill each other. To laugh at the disdain of others, to stomp on the weak and rule them."

I aimed my gun at the first person. As I looked down the iron sights, he looked at me with an empty stare.

"Remember. Nothing is predetermined. You are the master of your own fate. You might not have superpowers, but you can make your own change. And when you help others, when you help them navigate through obstacles and give them a helping hand, they will seek you, instead of pushing you away. All you have to do is cut the rope and fly. Fly to a dream. All you have to do is jump."

His words echoed into my head time and again. Impatience was brewing among the other soldiers. I lowered my gun. I was free. The major arrived.

"So be it." he said and put a bullet in my head. A giant explosion happened from within. I died. Or so I thought.

I woke up in a beam of light, strapped on a bed. Doctors were passing by noticing that I was finally awake. My left arm was missing. My heart rate elevated and my blood pressure sky rocketed. I could not move. How did I get from my paradise to such a place of pain and suffering?

Ignorance is a fool's bane. I was a fool to believe that my paradise, built in my head was immune to suffering. I have seen things...things that I would wish no one. But I am grateful for them, for they made me the person I am today. And we should be proud for our decisions in the long run, as they are always lead to something better. There may be darkness inside you, but if you face it, it makes it easier for the light to surface out. Believe in yourself as I believe in you. Be the heartbeat of a true heart. You are not alone with that fear.

All you need to do is jump. Take my hand and let's jump together.

Stand against darkness

While I am still waiting for my first big break I try to keep myself occupied and upbeat. It is hard at times, especially when they try to mess with your head.

Sometimes when I look at that dreaded Facebook wall I do not know what is worse:

• People that post everything? Do I care what food you ate today or maybe next time you should "check in" in your toilet and tell us you are taking a shit. I am talking about those that do it frequently.
• People that take 326,8 selfies per day. Check a psychiatrist they have some very interesting research on that topic about insecurity and mental issues.
• People that post complete and utter nonsense and sprout them out faster than a 20 mm F16 Vulcan cannon.
• Animal abuse in every page. What did the poor animals do to you you poor excuses of human beings?
• Trump vs Hillary. Choose which type of shit you want to shove down your throat.
• Those that post those amazingly pseudo-philosophical quotes about life and love.
• The posts in one of my favorite game groups: Jurassic World The game - The group. All you need is popcorn.

Now you would argue, then why the rat's ass are you in Facebook Kostas? Well it helps me quickly talk to some people I care, occasionally read something very interesting etc. You get the idea.

Especially the animal abuse triggers me. It is one of the reasons I fled from Greece. It shows no sign of slowing down.

I almost forgot why I am writing this article. Hold on a second...Oh yea! We are back on track. As an environmental scientist and a human being (though I identify secretly as a raccoon) it is my duty to protect the environment, create sustainable solutions, protect animals and people and why not, to try and bring peace through research and suggestions in contested territories.

So since yesterday I will be working with the contested areas of Ukraine, namely Donbas and Donetsk to try and identify environmental issues in those war-torn conflicted territories that has caused myriad of social, economic and environmental damages over the last 2 years.

Do you think you can help me with that? Send me a message, post a link with a nice article showcasing issues or research and let's try to make a difference for once. Let's stand against darkness.

What else is on my mind? I don't know...What I will do with my first salary is often on my mind. I am going to treat myself to a nice dinner alone and enjoy every second of it. What my friends are doing in Greece and how is that pesky little muffin in Bangladesh. How I can learn Swedish faster because SFI is terribly slow. Why people in Sweden do not answer phonecalls and nobody replies to emails. How will I make better networking.

Ah well. Thank god it's Saturday. I will see you all in Hornstull. Vi ses!

I ran so far away

"And I ran
I ran so far away
I just ran
I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away"

You might be Usain Bolt fast, but some things you cannot outrun. For years I thought I fled to Sweden to escape my past, run away from it as far as I could, as fast as I could. And I ran. I ran so far away. I ran to a place where the Aurora Borealis is just outside my window, splashing the clear night sky in a beautiful, mystical green color.

And you know what happened? Through one way or another my past caught up with me. I couldn't get away. So I accepted it and embraced it instead. This is my story. I am the writer and I am writing myself into a new storyline. And for the last month, I have been enjoying every second of it.

My life is not so glamorous. 6 languages, 2 university diplomas, 400 business cards collected, countless networking and the best job I could get is taking care of 2 gentle animals, for the most kind and lovely people I have met in Sweden so far, Johannes and Richa. Who invites their dogwalker to a family dinner? I wish them the best.

I ran away one more time this year. I reached my hand to touch her face and she started fading away. Like a gloomy beam of light. And I ran. I ran so far away. I couldn't get away.

This time things are similar, but much different. I don't have the time. I need a job, I need to fight daily for my own survival. But I am done running. The next time I will run is in the Stockholm Marathon.

Getting a job here is becoming the biggest challenge I have faced in my whole life. Even bigger than the disappearing of your love, which is like getting impaled and eaten from within. Being unmade. Swedish companies demand you to speak Swedish, even though they often speak English at work. But if you don't speak it, or your name does not end in -sson or you know the king you are in for a rollercoaster ride.

I have been studying intensively Swedish for the past month. I speak pretty ok, I can read and write just fine. Anna has been helping me, Johannes, Josefine and Eleonor all try to speak Swedish with me. But what good is the language when the employers don't respond? Not to emails, not even in SMS or phone calls. Is this multicultural and equality projection of Sweden just a smokescreen? Maybe I am biased from my own experiences so far. I cannot get a break this year. My own thesis examiner has set me back 5 months already from applying officially for my diploma.

I look at my colleagues from my Greek University in the Aegean sea. University of the Aegean, Department of the environment. My sister always tells me I have nothing good to say about any of them. When I see those people that are my "colleagues", being lost in the vast nothingness of space, I start to wonder if there is truly a thing such as luck or in my case being unlucky.

But I am done running. Sometimes, you just need to face your past or your problems, or your fears or anything that bothers you head on, gain momentum and just power through it. And one day, you will gain so much momentum, you will break through the hardest barrier, bend the toughest steel and be in peace with yourself. You make your own history. I will make my own legend and my star will shine bright.