I will KFC you to death - An American Horror Story by Claire Newton

***Disclaimer***

Before you start reading, let me clear one thing. This post has nothing to do with the tv-series AHS. Roger that? Nice. Keep reading, except maybe in case you are American. Then close your browser window, forget about this article and go play some Farmville on Facebook.

My name is Claire. I’m the one who wrote the letter mentioned in this (post/place link) and the one you probably blame for not letting Kostas abandon his writing career and save his readers from their misery. Just kidding. Go! Go! Kostas. Keep writing.

I should also mention that I’m a brit-greek, with a morbid combination of the worst qualities from each nationality which makes me a really difficult person. Don’t ask me where I got my honesty and self-criticism, cause I’ve no idea.

Now that I’ve (poorly) introduced myself, I’ll tell you that recently, 16 long days ago to be exact, a Turkish Airlines plane carried me away from home to a land of walking brain dead and moving fat. My 2 hours waiting time in the airport of Istanbul, where the security checked mostly non-muslim passengers and ignored the rest, was my last contact with civilization. My arrival at the Dulles International Airport was the beginning of a long journey in the zombie land.

Prologue

The United States have always been projected as the land of freedom, of democracy, of limitless opportunities. The American Dream is their main export product, the drug they sell and Hollywood is the dealer.

For many years, I thought part of this dream, was actually true and possible to obtain. I say “part of it” because my father made sure to open my eyes every time I was misled, but still, dreams are dreams, they are nice and lovely and pink and fluffy and you can easily believe them even when they stink like horseshit.

My first realization came back in 2010, with my first trip to the States which lasted exactly 28 days. I wrote 2 blog posts for my own blog back at that time under the titles “American Dream” (part 1 and 2). Now that I think of it, I should re-title them “28 days after”. I think it’s proper.

Now, 5 years later, my social experiment is in Phase 2, as I like to call those trips. This time, the unfortunate (crazy) scientist will have to endure not 28, but 88 whole days in this cursed land, where the only true god is Lord Dollar.

After already 17 days, I’m in position to share my first scientific observations with the rest of the world.

Firstly, Americans don’t know how, or what, to eat. They spent a massive amount of money or buying crap. Seriously, they have huge supermarkets where you can find long aisles full of pre-cooked or frozen or ready quick meals, cheap and easy. Cook in the microwave oven for 3’ and eat your shit. You can buy fresh meat of course but if I got it right, they don’t even know how to f***ing cut it! Like, most of the meat pieces were cut like steaks. FFS people.. There are normally, NORMAL people, who actually shop and cook their meals, which is the hard way, but from what I saw, the majority here, choose the easy way.

Secondly, you pay a handful of bucks for the cleaning lady once per week. And while you wait for the cleaning lady, with your dirty clothes making a pile on your fancy walking closet, your house stinks like the horseshit I mentioned. Especially those who have a pet, a dog or a cat, their houses smell like a stable, at best. A house in which if you accidentally hit the wall, you’ll open a hole bigger than your punch.

And don’t get me started about paying someone to do a 1-hour-gardening-job because you are lazy and want to sit in front of a TV for 1 more hour.

Also, people here spent their time at the mall. They don’t have what to do, so they go shopping, or window-shopping, or whatever in a mall. Go fuck yourself at the mall. Go fuck your cat at the mall. Are you bored?? Go to the mall!!! Don’t you have something interesting to do? Go to the f-ing mall!!! That’s where you go when you’re bored. That’s what you do when you have free time. Take your kids to the mall!!!! 

That’s all folks, I have 71 more days and a lot of venom to spit. Stay tuned if you want another sociology lesson.

P.S. I’m not sorry for the long post.

P.S. Sorry i kept you waiting Kostas. You can take an American potato.

 

McFat.