Sunday, February 26, 2017

The eighth wonder of the world

I never believed I would cry while watching King Kong. I only shed a tear during particular movies or scenes that remind me of something. One of them is Madagascar 3. Now you all might be thinking, why would this fool cry over a giant ape being shot to death or a pair of furry cute cartoon characters in a kid's comedy animated film?

It is obviously not the case. It is about the emotions we have attached to them. For me it has been a person that I watched Madagascar 3 with. We did not watch King Kong together, but during a few scenes it was reminiscent of me, my life and my emotions or thoughts about her.

There is a particular scene where Alex the Lion does some sort of stunt on a train. He climbs on the wall in front of a tunnel and does a back-flip. Gia the Jaguar calls it "Trapeze Americano". The girl I loved with all my heart started using that sentence for those brief days we spent together. The most enlightening, beautiful days of my long, tiresome life.

I have accepted that we will never be together again. But I regret every day that I think about her, that I did not tell her those days how I felt. How I never told her "I love you N".

Since then I have cried many times. In places that nobody could see me. Occasionally, some did. Most of them were tears of frustration, respite, grief. But 2 years later, I still love her. After such a long time, tonight I shed tears of sorrow.

Why King Kong then? When I first watched the movie in 2005 and all those subsequent times until now, all I saw was a beast action film. Tonight I saw something different. I saw Kong swinging around like an acrobat and I remembered trapeze americano. I saw the face of the beauty, that beauty who I wanted to bear my children and be my loving partner for the rest of my natural life. But I ended up being the beast.

And the Prophet said:
And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty.
And it stayed its hand from killing.
And from that day, it was as one dead.

"And then I held her hand, I looked deep into her beautiful, dark big eyes that were looking at me with anticipation."

"Is that the part where you told her how you felt?"

"No, I never said it"

"You never said it?"

"I was afraid. I thought I didn't need to say it"

"Then how does she know it's real?"

"I said we will talk about it later. Only there was no later. It never happened. That is how it ended."

"She would give you the world, she would be the one thing that truly mattered and all you did is let her slip through your fingers Kostas."

That I did. That I did. And here I am in a dark corner of my room in Hagsätra writing up about a person I still love. I made that promise, to love her until the end.

Wherever you are, I hope you have found love. You will always hold a special place in my heart. On that hurts but also fills me with nostalgia and the occasional smile. You were never second. You were always my number one girl.

Goodnight Sweden

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