Sunday, November 22, 2015

Bonus post: I am the heartbeat of a true heart

I have a few different values in my life. I want to live a decent life. I want to work instead of studying. I want to have a nice family without crazy things. I am not your average party drinker. I will rather cuddle with my partner in the couch rather than getting those moves done on a dirty dancefloor. I learned to be honest even if it means my punishment. I learned to love unconditionally, even though I said I will never do that after my first heartbreak. I told my self that I will never cry for a woman before, yet I did it again and again, crying for months. For months i bled dry, both from my heart, from my soul, my mood and my eyes. But I did not care. For I rather be emotional and true to my self and not emotionally shallow.

I loved someone with all my heart. In the beginning I didn't show it, there were complications. So the person got psychologically tired while i plummeted into free-fall in the depths of depression day by day. In the end she had enough. She switched off at the point where I was about to make things right. To do what she asked me to do and live an eternal life of passion, love and caring with her. I started to think of a place for us to stay together and it almost came into fruition. Oh I felt so good that day! I was powered by love, the most gentle and pure sentiment. And she broke down. Torn apart from the weight of her own classes and the added weight of what she called love to me and inability to commit at that point she shut down. She shut down like a steel trap-door, trapping everything inside and leaving me in my own prison. These days I felt like I was Stanley in the Stanley Parable for all you game nerds. Living in an empty world where everything else has vanished.

The girl needed time. She said she could not make the choice. To be or not to be with me. The girl that unconditionally loved me had to make a choice if she would be with me. Staggered I started crying for days. Once we met and I gave her my heart on a plate along with some things. But nothing. That day I cried so much I could not breath, that my eyes were gushing red from pain, that my lips were so sore like I was in the desert for days. My stomach instead of butterflies was filled with rocks crushing the butterflies. My heart was being pierced every second. I prayed to god to give me strength. He didn't. I need to find my own strength.

When a girl you are ready to die for asks you for time it can mean a few things. It can mean she indeed has other problems. It can mean that she found someone else. It can mean that you destroyed her trust before. It can mean that she never loved you as much as she said. Don't make scenarios.

In my opinion you should give her time and move on with your own things. It is as a friend of mine said recently:

Always..fill your life with exclamation marks..!! can put a dot..where it is needed..!!
When there are many question-marks..leave a blank line..and move on!!
Put in a parenthesis..what you need..!!
And when a chapter ends...don't hesitate..

What that means is simple. The girl asks for your time. If you are sure that your emotions and feelings towards her and you previously did everything you had to do, like say your feelings, be sincere and honest then you have nothing to fear. When she finally takes her time, if that is what she needs at least, she will come back. She will come back to the person that showed her unconditional love and passion. That felt freedom only in his tight hug. There is nothing to think after that. If she really loved you she will come back. Just be yourself and be happy. Move on and do other things to make you happy. Don't cling on to that hope. If your feelings are also genuine keep them somewhere close to your heart so if she comes back you can shower her with what she hopefully missed. Because you my dear reader. If you felt like I did and you identified yourself with this text. Then you are worth it. YOU ARE THE CATCH. And if she is a little diamond like my girl was, it will be like alchemy and turn everything into gold.

You will feel her passion coming out of her skin pores and she will feel yours. You will both transcend into a nirvana that was felt when I kissed her that day. It was the purest thing I had felt. The most important in life. When you kiss someone and you know that you want to grow old with him/her. I bled for weeks, but I would not change that feeling for anything in the world. For I have witnessed true love. Thankfully more than once.

But the saying also says one more thing. If she does not come back, or if she takes too long for you to handle my friend, do not be afraid to move forward. Life is short. You do your part. You give her the time, you grow personally and you focus on being happy. And if she is really the one you want, like how I wanted her she will come back. And you will love her forever. She will be the mother of your kids. You will be there to guard her every night in bed and keep her safe. If she doesn't..maybe her love was not strong enough, maybe she was unsure, maybe she had other things in her mind. Don't think about that. Think about what makes you happy. Sometimes the answer will be that SHE makes you happy. But there are more things than that. Focus on them for a bit.

A broken heart takes a while to mend. I once made a drawing about that. I gave it to her and it read "Everything is possible". It had a heart broke in half that was mended with stitches. Don't despair, who that reads these lines. Everything will be alright. I feel you. We can do it together. And when you are unshackled you will be happy that you lived through this. You will be happy that you tasted true love. And if she is chooses to live this dream with you, you will both explode and ride the rockets to the stars.

I promised I will be waiting NiSaKi. I remember that promise.

Goodnight Sweden, goodnight young and old lovers of the world. I love you all as well.