Bonus post: I am the heartbeat of a true heart

I have a few different values in my life. I want to live a decent life. I want to work instead of studying. I want to have a nice family without crazy things. I am not your average party drinker. I will rather cuddle with my partner in the couch rather than getting those moves done on a dirty dancefloor. I learned to be honest even if it means my punishment. I learned to love unconditionally, even though I said I will never do that after my first heartbreak. I told my self that I will never cry for a woman before, yet I did it again and again, crying for months. For months i bled dry, both from my heart, from my soul, my mood and my eyes. But I did not care. For I rather be emotional and true to my self and not emotionally shallow.

I loved someone with all my heart. In the beginning I didn't show it, there were complications. So the person got psychologically tired while i plummeted into free-fall in the depths of depression day by day. In the end she had enough. She switched off at the point where I was about to make things right. To do what she asked me to do and live an eternal life of passion, love and caring with her. I started to think of a place for us to stay together and it almost came into fruition. Oh I felt so good that day! I was powered by love, the most gentle and pure sentiment. And she broke down. Torn apart from the weight of her own classes and the added weight of what she called love to me and inability to commit at that point she shut down. She shut down like a steel trap-door, trapping everything inside and leaving me in my own prison. These days I felt like I was Stanley in the Stanley Parable for all you game nerds. Living in an empty world where everything else has vanished.

The girl needed time. She said she could not make the choice. To be or not to be with me. The girl that unconditionally loved me had to make a choice if she would be with me. Staggered I started crying for days. Once we met and I gave her my heart on a plate along with some things. But nothing. That day I cried so much I could not breath, that my eyes were gushing red from pain, that my lips were so sore like I was in the desert for days. My stomach instead of butterflies was filled with rocks crushing the butterflies. My heart was being pierced every second. I prayed to god to give me strength. He didn't. I need to find my own strength.

When a girl you are ready to die for asks you for time it can mean a few things. It can mean she indeed has other problems. It can mean that she found someone else. It can mean that you destroyed her trust before. It can mean that she never loved you as much as she said. Don't make scenarios.

In my opinion you should give her time and move on with your own things. It is as a friend of mine said recently:

Always..fill your life with exclamation marks..!!

But..you can put a dot..where it is needed..!!

When there are many question-marks..leave a blank line..and move on!!

Put in a parenthesis..what you need..!!

And when a chapter ends...don't hesitate..

TO TURN THE PAGE..

What that means is simple. The girl asks for your time. If you are sure that your emotions and feelings towards her and you previously did everything you had to do, like say your feelings, be sincere and honest then you have nothing to fear. When she finally takes her time, if that is what she needs at least, she will come back. She will come back to the person that showed her unconditional love and passion. That felt freedom only in his tight hug. There is nothing to think after that. If she really loved you she will come back. Just be yourself and be happy. Move on and do other things to make you happy. Don't cling on to that hope. If your feelings are also genuine keep them somewhere close to your heart so if she comes back you can shower her with what she hopefully missed. Because you my dear reader. If you felt like I did and you identified yourself with this text. Then you are worth it. YOU ARE THE CATCH. And if she is a little diamond like my girl was, it will be like alchemy and turn everything into gold.

You will feel her passion coming out of her skin pores and she will feel yours. You will both transcend into a nirvana that was felt when I kissed her that day. It was the purest thing I had felt. The most important in life. When you kiss someone and you know that you want to grow old with him/her. I bled for weeks, but I would not change that feeling for anything in the world. For I have witnessed true love. Thankfully more than once.

But the saying also says one more thing. If she does not come back, or if she takes too long for you to handle my friend, do not be afraid to move forward. Life is short. You do your part. You give her the time, you grow personally and you focus on being happy. And if she is really the one you want, like how I wanted her she will come back. And you will love her forever. She will be the mother of your kids. You will be there to guard her every night in bed and keep her safe. If she doesn't..maybe her love was not strong enough, maybe she was unsure, maybe she had other things in her mind. Don't think about that. Think about what makes you happy. Sometimes the answer will be that SHE makes you happy. But there are more things than that. Focus on them for a bit.

A broken heart takes a while to mend. I once made a drawing about that. I gave it to her and it read "Everything is possible". It had a heart broke in half that was mended with stitches. Don't despair, who that reads these lines. Everything will be alright. I feel you. We can do it together. And when you are unshackled you will be happy that you lived through this. You will be happy that you tasted true love. And if she is chooses to live this dream with you, you will both explode and ride the rockets to the stars.

I promised I will be waiting NiSaKi. I remember that promise.

Goodnight Sweden, goodnight young and old lovers of the world. I love you all as well.

Happiness is a horse

As you have probably noticed, i have been writing lately parts of my memoirs, fragments of a diary i kept for almost five years, spanning an incredible 852 pages. A friend of mine joked recently that i should make a movie and we will win a Cannes festival golden phoenix. And because the days and the date right now are special for me, i will write a bit more of that instead of all things swedish. And i prefer that instead of forcing my self to write about a topic that is not in my thoughts right now and will not satisfy me or have the desired impact.

This fragment shows how to keep a relationship alive and interesting, with small spontaneous gestures that go a long way and will be remembered for life. There is no need for a sleight of hand or to be able to pull a rabbit out of the hat every time.

This is so true.

Two painful months had passed and it was time for them to meet again. Living 300 miles apart means a relationship is tested on a daily basis. And making the most out of your scarce meetings.

It was a cloudy December day in Mytilene, and he was driving to the airport in a rented blue Kia Picanto. The engine was coughing by the frequent use, the right window was malfuctioning and the seats were uncomfortable. I remember the licencing plate was 3562.

As he was driving along the coast to the airport he was gazing at the sky, looking for an airplane, knowing that she would be inside and they would finally hug and let go of all things evil. Everytime they were together it was like they were engulfed in a magic bubble, a divine shield that repelled everything bad, evil, washed all their problems like a shower purifies your skin and body.

He finally arrived and went eagerly in the waiting room of the airport.

"The flight from Thessaloniki to Mytilene airport has just arrived", the announcer said.

The machine that brings the luggage starts working and he starts looking around for signs of Alexandra. Five minutes pass, and there she is. Cute and sweet, as he remembered her, wearing her trademark jeans and shoes and her black casual jacket, dragging a massive suitcase like she brough her entire furniture along. But he was used to it, and most importantly, he did not care.

They hug for a minute, time stops, emotions like a meteor shower. They kiss like it's their first time. He picks up her suitcase and she follows him to the car. She looks so happy. He looks happier. He always did untill the end.

I felt like this everytime we met for almost five years.

They get in the car, it's around 6:43 and he waits for the road to clear to turn left. He takes a longer time because he does not want anything bad to happen to her.

"It's clear come on, let's go!", she giggles, making light fun of him.

"I never want anything bad to happen to you, that's why i wait", he replies calmly.

She silences and looks at him with that look that say's "I love you", and he starts driving back. His hand always reaching out for her's, changing gears together. One day he would teach her how to drive.

Two miles from the airport he see's a sign on the left. It reads "Aiolos Horses". He has an injection of adrenaline and excitement. She hadn't seen the sign. He turns left, the road was small for one car, little houses scattered left and right, white with tiny roofs and flowers surrounding the upcoming forest. He see's a sign to move right, then left, then up the hill inside the forest. They come at a crossroad and he follows his instincs and turns left again. He feels a little lost, there are expensive houses and protection dogs around. But he keeps going for 500 meters and suddenly the ground changes from tarmac to rocky with a lot of dirt. He goes really slow but he can sense that they are getting nearer.

Then they hear it. A commanding neigh. Her blood freezes. Her senses tingling, trying to absorb any information. She is not sure if what she heard is real or just a product of her long desire. She hadn't been near horses for 15 years, and from what she told him and seen through pictures, she was a natural. He made her a promise back then, that he would take her once again to see her favorite animals. And he would keep all of his promises...

He drives around the bend and they witness an amazing little stable with 4 horses, one of them a really small one. The other two, majestic. A real stallion called Demis and a mare called Annie a pinto horse that reminded me of a cow. They were a joy to behold. It was sunday so the stable was closed, but i picked up the number near the gate when two beautiful german shepherd dogs started barking protectively. We would come back the next day. She was crying the whole ride home, holding his hand firmly. He felt so special and he never wanted to let her go. He wanted to be there for her and present the opportunity to do everything she never could but desired. Financial problems can be a bitch.

We would come back many many times.

She though that they went there just to see the stable. So next morning he arranged a meeting in secret with the owner to have a journey through the forest untill the hilltop.

"Get ready we are going somewhere", he says assertively.

Her heart starts pumping with anticipation not knowing what she will encounter but she feels sheer excitement and passion when she sees the familiar road leading to the stable.

He parks, locks the car. The ground was a bit muddy from last night's rain, but it felt more natural. Stavros, the owner, comes and greets us and opens the small steely grey door. She immediately starts observing the area, as she always did when she was in a new uknown place, trying to acclimatize. Then she let out a shriek and galloped towards the horses, patting them, hugging them, sobbing and full of excitement and happiness.

 Saddam had just arrived from Holland.

He was a little afraid but once he got on top of the horse he felt more comfortable. She jumped on it like not a single day had passed and proceeded to the nearest exit. They started their mountain climb. The smell of fresh air was invigorating, forests, horses, stables everywhere, little runlets and streams sprouting out of the rocks.

Much more comfortable

         He looked a bit out of sorts.

After around 50 minutes they arrived at the top, took pictures and gasped at the scenery. Breathtaking. Then they started their descent, but from a different road, making it even more exciting.
Back at the stable, she did not want to leave. She looked with melancholy, but speaking into their souls. Then hugs him and he reassures her they will be back.

Poor thing was injured.

On the way home, she stares outside the window, their hands never let go on the whole trip.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me", he says.

"I will never leave you and our love will stay strong through the ages", words spoken with passion, desire and love.

And she looked outside the window again, reliving her dream day.

Driving along the coastline.