Infiltrating the Swedish nightlife - How do they do it?

Last week I was supposed to go out on Saturday and meet up my friend Dimitris. Sadly, Saturday was the day of the Greek Football Cup Final versus AEK and PAOK. When you pit the fans of these two teams together that almost share the same banner but with a different color, it is like putting a group of hooligans against each other. Better say, you are.

Needless to say, everything went well as expected. A guy was knifed, people went in the hospital, police looked there waving and then the Final started. PAOK won 2-1 with a controversial decision, my friend was gutted and told me that he will stay home and grief instead of going out with me to grief with a pint or two.

So here I am, 21:00 o'clock pondering what should I do. I wear my nice black pants, shoes and shirt and I start making my way to Hornstull in my classic place - Hornhuset (pretty hilarious name to be honest). I decided to go out and write about the nightlife in Stockholm in a rather popular place where things happen all the time. The previous day was equally eventful as I saw 2 guys sniffing cocaine from their mobile phone right in the metro train at 7 pm. I am literally speechless. Good job Sweden!

I make it to the bar, say hi to the guard. He asks me if I am alone and I say yes and that I go there every week. He smiles, says "welcome sir", because apparently I am one and I get inside to be welcomed by 80's pop music.

I go to the top floor to observe, get a beer but there is nothing interesting going on at that point so I grab my coat and beer and go downstairs again. There is a girl sitting on a guy's lap next to some of their friends. She stands up, probably to go to the bathroom and the guy does whatever a guy would/should do in 2017 (hint, I am being sarcastic): slaps her ass so hard that I heard it from 3 meters away. She turns back, gives him a whydidyoudothatbutitsok look and goes on with her business while the guy revels in the spoils of victory like a baboon.

I manage to keep my composure and I move in to the tables where I can sit. There was a company of rather young Swedes with a lot of drunk girls and more joined them later. I had some space next to me and there was this blonde guy called Fabian who had no place to sit so I actually told him that there is space if he wants to. He asked me if I am alone and I said yes.

"That is very nice of you", he said to me. It felt nice to hear that.

Then two black guys that were wearing their hats sideways (because it is always gangsta) started praying on women around the tables and dancing terribly in some sort of liquid dancing robot. That led me to the thought that in Sweden everyone dances weirdly, or terribly, or whatever they want and they don't seem to care about it. Frankly, I can't do that, I feel like a fool and the fact that I rarely drink doesn't help either. But man those guys were just the tip of the iceberg. There were man-vultures all over the place, going like a machine-gun from woman to woman trying to score.

At one point I saw what I thought was a couple kissing really passionately and I became pretty happy because it looked so genuine. I ended up seeing the girl in tears leaving the metro 5 hours later.

I was alone so I had to pretend to play with my phone to not look like a creep too much. I ended up reading some amazing psychedelic posts on my Facebook news-feed and then to go have a second and last beer. I had to wait 33,6 hours in the queue because hot girls were a priority instead of a well dressed, polite and sober young man (I am still young at 28 right?).

Then Doctor Zhivago entered the fray when I started to feel way too hot in the bar. The zhivago reference is probably unknown to anyone outside Greece and we use it when someone wears a turtleneck sweater. I felt like a volcano ready to explode just by looking at him. It was like 30 degrees in there.

Then came the moment that I dread the most when I am out. I needed to pee. I take a deep breath and go in the toilets. Snus everywhere. Snus on the walls, snus on the ground, snus in the sink, snus in the toilet, snus in the snus. Next to me a guy is relieving himself with peacock sounds and another one is betting on Bet365. Which reminds me of another sad soul in the bar that was playing Candy Crush. For the love of baby Jesus i am not joking.

When I started to be a bit bored, Fabian came to the toilet and remembered me and he stood there and chatted with me a little. He was embarrassed that his female friends were so drunk that they were on the table dancing. It was interesting to hear that as most of the time, who cares?

Then the popcorn moment of the night happened when guys started punching each other and the guards reacted like the recovery of the Greek economy (hint, very slow). So I did what I had to do, went to a guard, told him punches in the bar, he looked very surprised and ran to calm the spirits. Laugh? Cry? Both? Hilarious nonetheless.

Just when I was about to leave I saw a guy drinking beer and between his legs he had a motorized unicycle. In the bar. I am speechless again.

Awkward to say the least. But at least they are on a unicycle, and you are not right??

Bar closed and I began to make my way home after I had some mandatory crappy food in McDonald's with random Greek guys I met in the tube. It was not a bad night and it is proof that you can have a good time even by yourself!

In the meantime, I will go back to my trance and try to figure what is wrong with this place. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe weird is the new black. Or maybe I am weird and it is normal. Or maybe I should just go sleep now. Too much Eurovision drinking yesterday.

Laters Sweden.

Wake me up when september ends

New month, same trouble :D

This is more like a 4 day recap since i was falling behind and now with the start of my lectures it's becoming increasingly difficult to do it every night with only 4 hours rest.

Friday was the last exciting day actually, since i rested on saturday (more on that later), i casually went out on sunday and today was my first experience in my new university.

I had an invite to go to Varmlands for clubbing but i guessed the queue would be big, so i decided to crash into Snerikes for their last "summer" party. The area was big, the music was meh and when i got there at approx 9:20 there were not many people yet. I paid 80 kronor for the entrance fee and 20 kronor to let them keep my coat safe because i am a rich idiot. I had my extra peacock belt with me anyways.

So i did not see anyone i knew. Strangely. Oh wait, there was Despoina from Thessaloniki. We talked and talked and talked and complained, made fun of some fail dancers and after 20 minutes she introduced me to her company, 3 italians, an irish girl and a german dude. Don't ask me their names, all i know is that they made fun of gay people.

Then Ridhima came, with her trusty Pleb in her bag. I teased her about her humongous mouth. She looked very pretty too. Then we went a bit inside, where i got a shitty Heineken beer from New York for 33 crowns. It was crowded, with many dancing monkeys and unheard music that everyone seemed to know but me.

I went to the bathroom. It was intimidating. It was like being in the "Blue Lagoon" bar from the Police Academy series. 10 men with their tiny junks out pissing on the ground, the wall and occasionally in the right hole. So i said to my self "You will piss in 5 hours Kostas, it's ok!" and i washed my face. Half a meter on my left there were two black people, one with a black vest and a fedora hat.

"Al muhajir toulseman mastur", he seemed to say. Twice towards me.

"English??", i replied casually.

He laughs.

"Pissing is like fucking", he says.

"Whatever makes your day dude. You can piss, i can fuck".

"NOoo" he says.

And i left.

Went back, picked Ridhima, and Wacko Kevin from Illinois joined us. I taught him some stuff about women and pick up, he started shaking my hand, asked my friend if she is bisexual and then started saying "Fuck the cops, fuck the government". I got a nice picture of him too.

Atomic mustache on the right.

More people join us. It's Gregor, Amy (luv u!), King Harmeet, Danika, Alice, Natalie, Raymon, Phoebe, Kevin Falafel, Cecilia, Laura. It screamed like fun. We went to the upper floor where they had 2 separate rooms each with wannabe hip hop rnb and electro music.It was so hot we were dancing for a bit then went outside for some air every 5 minutes. It smelled like sweat and really bad cheesy lines. Some of our friends got some action, good joooob :D

Guess the Swede....hint, she is on the left.

Took Kev and we went downstairs to diffuse some sort of situation, he ordered one beer, he got two, we drank a bit and went back up. Alice danced her ass off, i danced a bit with Danika before i broke her heart (sorry love) and we took approximately 25 thousand selfies.

Everyone's here! I told you the King is the coolest dude ever.

As i was dancing a woman approached me and told me "I am so hot right now".

"Go boil an egg", i tell her.

Finally we went down for some air and we decided to get foooood :D I grabbed my coat, number 116, and the guys said let's go to McDonalds. They had bikes. Bastards.

So me and Natalie ran, yes ran at 1am with Phoeb's as support until she gave her bike to Nat.

We reached McDonald's, people ordered and we sat there on a big table messing around. I am on a diet and Danika started feeding me potatoes from what was like whale oil and chicken something. On the table there was some leftover rat-burger that i called 7-week-old guacamole and Kevin almost choked from laughter.

German Engineering.

I threw some potatoes to the flat-ass "seemybracozmyasssucks" swedish lady then asked 2 swedish girls on the table to take photos of us.

"No" she says.

"You suck, let me buy you a glass of bitch" i tell her and move with a smile.

Without the mustache.

We made a tower out of leftovers, took more photos, we tried to guess how many times everyone had sex and we also made Gregor uncomfortable. Bad Danika.

I went for the last bus. There was none. I followed Nat, Raymon, Danika with bus number 11 for the first time. It said Gottsunda central. I hoped.

I sat with Danika, we chatted about our past lives. Raymon slept. Twice. Like 15 more people. A guy actually shook him to see if he was breathing.

So they eventually go down and we continue. It's me and a swedish girl with big headsets sleeping. Suddenly, in the vast nothingness of space the driver stops, asks me to wake her up, which took me 1 minute and tells us it's the last stop.

Good job Kostas. Welcome to adventureland. I ask the driver, he points me to a direction. The woman follows me and i hear her coughing on way. I asked her if she is ok. She says yes but she is cold. I offer her my coat and we have some small talk. I accompany her because i am a proper gentleman. But another gorgeous woman occupies my mind so i don't care. I keep walking. For 20 minutes in the woods in an empty road purely by instinct. I want to pee but i would probably set things on fire.

I finally see something resembling a mall. I am there. I am so tired. I make it home. I pee 25 litters of beer and drop dead on my bed. Goodnight Sweden.

It's saturday. I am trying to set up a meeting with my angel. Time passes and i am eager to see her for a movie. I got Need for Speed. I get dressed with a smile on my face. We cancel. I am a sad panda. It's ok, i will survive..

So i take it out all on the Colombian Coffee. Σε μισώ. I make Kelly lose 35 pounds from laughter and i sleep.

It's Sunday. I do nothing until 5. I talk with my angel. I set up a meeting with Dimitris to fix my phone and find the BMC faculty. He is 15 minutes late so i fix my phone and call my sweetie and tell her not to read so much and come for a walk.

Me and Mitsos go in a park, we walk for 3km back and forth and we are lost. We suck. We go back to Norrlands pub and we get beers and a nice burger. I am so hungry here i ate it with tomatoes and eggs. Yes it was my first time eating eggs. I actually video called my mother and told her there, i was that proud.

Vita's coming and we sit there for 40-50 minutes. Dimitris goes home and i walk her back to her place. I am never washing my right cheek again!

Monday babies. I wake up at 6:30, get out of bed in 6:48. I am ready by 7:27 and i got to pick up the bus that leaves at 7:39.

Intro class with info in the Geocentrum. Easy stuff, cool professor, straightforward class. We finish at 09:00. I manipulate the printing room guy (nah he was so helpful, thanks!), i get my student card, my student account id, my library card. I meet more Greek's, i ate a sandwich for 16 crowns and a classic fika cake for 20 crowns. I download my pdf's and lectures and i decide to go home at 10:54. I pick up the bus, i am at home by 10:18. I start studying at 12:12 after entertaining Kelly. I finish at 14:24. I am dressed and back to the Evolutionsmuseet for my first lecture. We find the room after some trouble. I sit with the video-game addicted french girl. Colombian coffee is absent.

I type all of my notes and then we got a movie called "Sun". It was not so sunny because the professor's netbook made the movie get stuck and out of sync. So we used mine. I was so sleepy.

It's over. I get home. I go to the nearest ICA, buy bread, yogurt, redbull, and some liquid death because i am tired. I am at home. The landlady has Alzheimer's because she double booked the same room to two guys. Davide will be homeless. I am tired.

Goodnight Sweden. Goodnight Uppsala.