Infiltrating the Swedish nightlife - How do they do it?

Last week I was supposed to go out on Saturday and meet up my friend Dimitris. Sadly, Saturday was the day of the Greek Football Cup Final versus AEK and PAOK. When you pit the fans of these two teams together that almost share the same banner but with a different color, it is like putting a group of hooligans against each other. Better say, you are.

Needless to say, everything went well as expected. A guy was knifed, people went in the hospital, police looked there waving and then the Final started. PAOK won 2-1 with a controversial decision, my friend was gutted and told me that he will stay home and grief instead of going out with me to grief with a pint or two.

So here I am, 21:00 o'clock pondering what should I do. I wear my nice black pants, shoes and shirt and I start making my way to Hornstull in my classic place - Hornhuset (pretty hilarious name to be honest). I decided to go out and write about the nightlife in Stockholm in a rather popular place where things happen all the time. The previous day was equally eventful as I saw 2 guys sniffing cocaine from their mobile phone right in the metro train at 7 pm. I am literally speechless. Good job Sweden!

I make it to the bar, say hi to the guard. He asks me if I am alone and I say yes and that I go there every week. He smiles, says "welcome sir", because apparently I am one and I get inside to be welcomed by 80's pop music.

I go to the top floor to observe, get a beer but there is nothing interesting going on at that point so I grab my coat and beer and go downstairs again. There is a girl sitting on a guy's lap next to some of their friends. She stands up, probably to go to the bathroom and the guy does whatever a guy would/should do in 2017 (hint, I am being sarcastic): slaps her ass so hard that I heard it from 3 meters away. She turns back, gives him a whydidyoudothatbutitsok look and goes on with her business while the guy revels in the spoils of victory like a baboon.

I manage to keep my composure and I move in to the tables where I can sit. There was a company of rather young Swedes with a lot of drunk girls and more joined them later. I had some space next to me and there was this blonde guy called Fabian who had no place to sit so I actually told him that there is space if he wants to. He asked me if I am alone and I said yes.

"That is very nice of you", he said to me. It felt nice to hear that.

Then two black guys that were wearing their hats sideways (because it is always gangsta) started praying on women around the tables and dancing terribly in some sort of liquid dancing robot. That led me to the thought that in Sweden everyone dances weirdly, or terribly, or whatever they want and they don't seem to care about it. Frankly, I can't do that, I feel like a fool and the fact that I rarely drink doesn't help either. But man those guys were just the tip of the iceberg. There were man-vultures all over the place, going like a machine-gun from woman to woman trying to score.

At one point I saw what I thought was a couple kissing really passionately and I became pretty happy because it looked so genuine. I ended up seeing the girl in tears leaving the metro 5 hours later.

I was alone so I had to pretend to play with my phone to not look like a creep too much. I ended up reading some amazing psychedelic posts on my Facebook news-feed and then to go have a second and last beer. I had to wait 33,6 hours in the queue because hot girls were a priority instead of a well dressed, polite and sober young man (I am still young at 28 right?).

Then Doctor Zhivago entered the fray when I started to feel way too hot in the bar. The zhivago reference is probably unknown to anyone outside Greece and we use it when someone wears a turtleneck sweater. I felt like a volcano ready to explode just by looking at him. It was like 30 degrees in there.

Then came the moment that I dread the most when I am out. I needed to pee. I take a deep breath and go in the toilets. Snus everywhere. Snus on the walls, snus on the ground, snus in the sink, snus in the toilet, snus in the snus. Next to me a guy is relieving himself with peacock sounds and another one is betting on Bet365. Which reminds me of another sad soul in the bar that was playing Candy Crush. For the love of baby Jesus i am not joking.

When I started to be a bit bored, Fabian came to the toilet and remembered me and he stood there and chatted with me a little. He was embarrassed that his female friends were so drunk that they were on the table dancing. It was interesting to hear that as most of the time, who cares?

Then the popcorn moment of the night happened when guys started punching each other and the guards reacted like the recovery of the Greek economy (hint, very slow). So I did what I had to do, went to a guard, told him punches in the bar, he looked very surprised and ran to calm the spirits. Laugh? Cry? Both? Hilarious nonetheless.

Just when I was about to leave I saw a guy drinking beer and between his legs he had a motorized unicycle. In the bar. I am speechless again.

Awkward to say the least. But at least they are on a unicycle, and you are not right??

Bar closed and I began to make my way home after I had some mandatory crappy food in McDonald's with random Greek guys I met in the tube. It was not a bad night and it is proof that you can have a good time even by yourself!

In the meantime, I will go back to my trance and try to figure what is wrong with this place. Or maybe it isn't. Maybe weird is the new black. Or maybe I am weird and it is normal. Or maybe I should just go sleep now. Too much Eurovision drinking yesterday.

Laters Sweden.

Lights, camera, action - A night in Stockholm's finest

Hej hej!

It is your weekly dose of entertainment from Stockholm city!

But what happened during a very eventful Friday night and a lovely Saturday morning? Strap your seat-belts and prepare for a lot of satire and my amazing descriptions.

Being alone in a big city is a daunting thing. But one thing is for sure. I was not going to stay inside on a Friday night. So I wore my best smile, my best shirt, my best shoes and my best pants and managed to at least look like a very expensive waiter. I also managed to destroy my glasses somehow, but that's another story.

I had been in contact with Eleonor, a girl I met during this year's World Water Week. She has been really kind to me and I am very grateful. She told me that she might go out with friends and if they continue later I could join them. Well, I had heard that before so instead of waiting I decided to go ahead and visit The Soap Bar, a place I had been there before with my friend Silvia who used to work there.

The night was eventful before I even got to the bar. Around Ostermalmstorg in the metro station a bald guy was painting with a marker the walls and the escalators. I informed the security and they took him down. I continued my way into familiar territory as I stood outside the small line. The bouncer asked for my ID and then I went to pick up a small beer for 65 SEK. Not bad for Stockholm standards.

Then the fun began. Around 22:30 the bar was sort of full, but the real crowd began to arrive around 23-23:30. It was absolutely packed with people of all origins, backgrounds, dresscodes and behavior. There were 4 people (2 men and 2 women) that were in their 40's, looking like they were working all week non-stop and this was their only night out and chance to blow off some steam. They were dancing like crazy non-stop and it was a joy to behold, because they were genuinely having a good time. Then there were these barbie-like type of girls that did not stop taking selfies while the weird awkward guy next to them was actually catching Pokemon in the bar.

I was sitting in a dark corner enjoying my beer and gazing everyone with my watchful eye and mysterious grin. Then 3 men of Asian origin arrived and sat next to me. One looked like Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid and was like the quiet teacher.

The other one looked like a person from the TV series "Heroes" and the last one looked like...ehmm someone who was looking at the flowers of Robert Marplethorpe. The best thing was that all three of them were having the exact same pose, exact same beer and were bobbing their head like on Jim Carrey's Saturday Night Live spoof Night at the Roxbury (youtube that, it's  hilarious).

There was also a couple of guys that looked like Don Diego De la Vega from Zorro but with a hilarious mustache which i found very entertaining to watch. But nop, the star of the show was about to arrive.

Two blonde bombshells around 1.90 arrived and sat in close proximity. On of them was very slim, the other one was more curvy. But definitely very good looking women. So here comes this guy, no taller than 1.50 that approaches them, starts talking and waving his hands and making some dance moves straight from an LSD panorama. He actually entertained them a bit and the curvy girl actually gave him her phone (though from their signs of panic and body language, she gave him a fake). Best part was when shorty (lets call him that) actually lifted her from the waist and the poor girl left a shriek of horror.

At that point it was getting late and I would go home soon but until then I decided it was my mission to follow that guy and see what he is up to. Turns out he went outside the bar and starting talking to every woman on proximity. It was like 1.67 women/minute like an automatic machine gun. He lifted a few more up and then he went into the crowd where I lost him. Because he was too short to see. But I did manage to tell him that he is a hero and give him a brofist. Whoo-hoo!

In the meantime Eleonor called me and told me they are in Hornstull with 3 friends. I went there to meet them in a nice bar that reminded me of Greece a bit. We sat down, had some beers, enjoyed the super large queue to the bathroom and endured 2 hours of Americans hitting on my friends. In the end a tall guy from their group went behind to some really cute DTF girls and started talking to them. A blonde and a brunette. He talked to the brunette. The blonde told me that her friend desperately needs sex and she should go home with the dude. But the dude wanted the blonde. And I told the brunette. Who in turn told me that her blonde friend desperately needs sex. Still following? Well I said goodnight and they were a bit angry. It was like soap opera. I loved every minute of it.

Today I woke up really tired after returning at 4:32 am and went in the city with my new pal Victoria. We had this super awesome walk in town at the city hall where a guy dove into the water and pushed his own dog in there to swim with him. We came back and walked around Huvudsta where we played with the goats and horses before returning home. I think I am a bit tired so it is time to nap my friends!

So, chins up and remember to smile!