This is my story

A lot of things have happened since the last post in December. I live in Finland now until June. I am halfway through my thesis. I spend too many hours in the house watching Twitch and playing silly video games.

I have been writing a book. It may or may not be released ever. It is based on a true story. As i try to banish these thoughts from my head making it a daily struggle i thought i could write a bit here, a few fragments and share with whomever happens to be around. A message to everyone: Even though a choice comes back to haunt you and your dreams, do not regret it. It happened for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. So without much introduction, here's a section based on a true story. If people like it, i will share more. Enjoy.

"She promised me we would wake up at 4:21 to catch the bus around 5 am. We both set our alarms around that hour and we kept talking and hugging until time passed and it was over midnight. I told her to save her strength and take a short nap as I was anxious and could not sleep, fearing of not waking up. I watcher her sleep and I decided to lie next to her, smelling her hair and neck, trying to absorb that smell and keep it forever with me.

Eventually I fell asleep. A few hours passed and I woke up by sheer luck around 4:40. In the beginning I was happy. We were sleeping together, holding hands, like inseparable partners. It was the second time I had that feeling i felt in October 21st, that it was here that I belong. Then happiness gave way to panic as I saw the time and woke her up. She panicked too and we started looking for alternatives. It was not easy moving around the deep snow with 5 bags weighting so much. I watched her dress, I watched her care, I watched her have a deep sorrow in her eyes.

We found out a time that we could barely scrape it to the bus and the train at 5:26. We dragged my bags through the snow for 15 minutes in a massive struggle towards the bus stop in Flogstavagen. She was powering forward without stop, determined and strong. If only she knew how much i admired her. Once we reached the bus stop we waited there, it was cold. It took 10 minutes for the bus to arrive and we hopped on in the middle, tethering the luggage with a belt and sitting together on top of them.

When we finally made it to the train station we run with as much strength we had left to catch the train. It was leaving in 3, 2, 1 minute. But when we went to the platform there was no train. It was Sunday and the next train left in 30 minutes at 5:56. I would barely make it to the ship. I sat there with a big void in my eyes while she comforted me. I was about to leave her forever and she was still strong for me.

The train came. We sat side by side and I held her hand strongly while caressing her hand with my fingers. She was wearing the ring i gave her underneath her gloves. A ring that i carried through my entire life since 1998 and I will never see it again. Nor I will see her. The only thing she didn't know was that I had another ring with me. I ring I planned to give her in June 3rd, right after my thesis presentation. It was a vows ring that had a name engraved on it "Νικη Μανδηλαρη Σαρρη". It was the only thing that kept me going.

We once more raced through the train platforms of Stockholm towards the taxis. There was no traffic so there was a glimmer of hope of making it there with the ship leaving at 7:45. It would be close. The taxi driver asked some questions and when we said we are from Greece he began talking in broken Greek as well. He was an expat from the Middle East that loved Greece for his holiday destination. He took us as fast as possible to the ship docks. My heart was racing.

I bought a ticket and was ready to go through the passageway alone to the ship. I don't know how i found the strength to carry 5 bags. I said a quick goodbye to her and a kiss and run and run and run. Bags were falling, but i kept going. And then i reached the entrance of the ship. It would leave in 5 minutes. I stood there watching as the steward urged me to enter the ship or risk missing it.

I turned back and run to the lobby. She called me to see if I made it. I lied and said that the ship left early. It was all a big lie. It was a lie because I missed the ship on purpose so I got to spend another day with her. I could see the small happiness within the sorrow in her eyes. We would spend 12 hours wandering in Stockholm together. I held her hand once more with pride and squeezed it as much as I could as we walked our way towards Gamla Stan to find a coffee shop to sit and relax. I stopped and looked at the purple sky of Stockholm admiring its beauty. I told her "This is not how I expected us to see Stockholm together, but it is so beautiful".

We walked  towards the center and sat down in a shop called Espresso House. It was the dirtiest coffee shop we had ever seen. We took some juice and bread and we sat on the couch removing our shoes. We cuddled as I held her hand and legs. That is how that day started, a day of happiness, love, sorrow and pain."

We don't talk anymore as she blocked me from her life. She doesn't know everything and probably doesn't want to anymore. She is having a good life. I am happy for her. The sun is burning bright in Turku right now. And so is my passion. I hoped you like my story. I will close out with a song. A song I have handwritten among other things and wanted to mail it to her for her birthday in September 4th. Do you think I should, or should I let her walk her own path?

Song by Dido - White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Θα σε αγαπώ μέχρι να κλείσω τα μάτια μου. Είχες δίκιο, διάλεξα να μείνω μακριά σου. Είχες δίκιο, μου δώθηκαν άπειρες ευκαιρίες.  Αν το διαβάσεις αυτό ποτέ, θα σε αγαπώ όσο καμία. Δεν ήσουν ποτέ δεύτερη. Ήσουν η Νίκη της καρδιάς μου και ήθελα θέλω να γίνεις η Νίκη της ζωής μου.

Confessions of a cuckold

"I hate you for what you are doing to me, i hate you."

A flash of light from the dying lamp, diving. Faster than the eye can follow. Screams from the captain to get into bed or punishments will follow.

She replies. "I feel nothing for you after what you said. Goodnight i am with my friend."

An overwhelming tidal wave of emotions hits him, crushing like the sea on the rocks. Like a massive rollercoaster, from pain, to agony, to crying. And then nothing. Plunged into the abyss, feeling empty, like death had come to reap the souls of the once cheerful people of a village pillaged by war and decay.

Phonecall ends. He stands, looming hopelessly. No purpose, no cause. He is disconnected from the world. Hundreds of soldiers around him running to their bunkbeds, cheerful after sharing a laughter on the night gathering. He feels this is the end, after all, he has lost everything.

After 5 years of giving his heart and soul, his empire crumbles down like paper hit by a tornado. He knows he is alone for 9 more months. In one moment, he lost his soon-to-be wife, his dog, his family, and sadly, his only friend. Her.

By then he had only suspisions, not concrete evidence. But soon lady luck smiled on him, giving him a Pyrrhic victory. Alyx forgot her facebook logged in in his cellphone back in that unforgetable summer they spent together. And he was unfortunate enough to read everything. He would propose in 17 days, when he was released from the training camp. That was the only time she cried before the face to face breakup happened in December 8th, 2012.

"What am i going to do with the ring now?" he sobbed, trying to conceal his pain and suffering from the rest of the soldiers.

"What ring??" She was oblivious, she never saw it coming.

"I would have asked you to marry me stupid bitch, why couldn't you wait 17 more days?"

Silence, then sounds of a woman crying. It's comforting that it felt like she believed it.

Tough months followed. but the first two were the hardest by far. Pain, suffering, lies and persistance to get her back. Only mistakes were made. And now, one and a half year on, he cannot forget. But he has made his choices, and she paid her previous ones.

Stumbling upon a book called "The Game, by Neil Strauss", refueled him with pathos and passion for life and the excitement he lacked. Again he had a purpose. He needed to get back in the dating game, or so he thought. He thought that that purpose was solely to be able to "game" every women he craved. But there was something lurking behind that. Something that it secretly grew and spreaded like a virus untill it became crystal clear. He was not there to pick up women. He was there to lead men, to become social, the heart and soul of each company, to entertain people and to fulfill his ambitions.

Fast forward 17th April 2014. In 4 months he is leaving for Sweden. He has the best friends he could ask for, whom he met through his own volition. He is happy and on course to achieve his life goals. Gliding, probbing forward.

Thank you Aggeliki, Venia, Vicky, Mairy, Biktoria and Sakis for being part of my life. Special thanks go to Yiannis and Nicky, who let me be part of their company.

Being revengful bears no fruit apart from personal satisfaction, and this comes from a scorpio. Being dumped on Valentine's day is a good enough revenge of it's own. Life's a bitch, and a wheel that keeps spinning.

 Oh yes.