Fool´s Bane

Who am I?

Let me answer this for you. I am the heartbeat of a true heart. Hearts like these are hard to find and even harder to understand.

A myriad of things have happened lately. It is so hard to feel home in this country and at the same time feel like a stranger. This cascade of feelings is making me confused, angry, tired, excited. All at the same time.

One of the few things keeping me sane is the friends I have made here. It took me 3 years to make those friends. Lauma and Hayriye, the first people that truly appreciated who I am and let me be myself, and loved me in the process for it. World Water Week 2017 (hint: #WWWeek) came and passed and together it brought a new whirlwind of emotions. I met Maaike, a dutch girl that enchanted me with her personality, whit and incredibly exotic beauty. I met Lila, an older version of me. Lastly, I met Arianna, one of the kindest and most fantastic, vibrant personalities that I have met in a long time.

I had a blast working at SIWI. I got a taste of how it is to work in a Swedish company. If you come from a country where the rythm of life moves so fast and is hectic like the traffic in India, you would be shocked by the differences.

I met a woman named Bim ("Hey mom, this is my girlfriend Bim", would not that sound ridiculous?). We had a moment and then she started the typical Swedish evasion maneuvers. Do you french-kiss your friends in the mouth Bim? Suck my beautiful, big penis and stay away from me.

Then I started talking to this girl last week. I have not met her yet but thinking about her makes my heart skip a beat and stand still in time and space. Katarina will probably never read this tiny spit of sand, this tiny paragraph that took me time, effort and courage to write. But that is ok. I do not know what will happen in the future but I hope I will get to meet her. When someone makes me feel special, they deserve my attention and effort.

In other news, I can speak Swedish like a badass. I got a few job interviews. I have lost 8 kg and I look hot again. I stopped drinking alcohol 4 months ago. I am in the best shape of my life. I wasted 2.5 hours watching Transformers 5. Silvia made me feel like shit again about our failed date. Mayweather dominated McGregor as expected. Greek economy is still shit.

To wrap this up, I am a Fool. But even I have my limits. A cornered fox is more dangerous than a jackal. Whoever wants to stay close to me, they will, and they will be greeted with love, understanding, laughter and never ending support. The rest, as we say in Greece, can take the poulo. I dare you to google it.

Goodnight Sweden.

Legendary defender

As most kids do when they grow up, I loved cartoons. I remember waking up before school when I was a little nerdy boy to the smell of hot chocolate milk that actually tasted horribly for me. Mom used to bring it to me and I was so half asleep that I was unable to resist that. And of course "milk is good to make your bones strong", mom said.

School started around 8pm and I had about 25-30 minutes to wake up, have breakfast and prepare around 6am. That was the time when you could open the TV in the late 90's and see those awesome supercool cartoons like looney toons or Dragonball, or even the spooky Goosebumps.

My favorite animated series and the first memory of such a VHS tape was Voltron: Defender of the Universe that dates back until 1986 or so. I remember a specific night that my parents were away and I was alone at home with grandma who was there to keep an eye on me. I do not remember how I managed to possess that VHS tape but it was the first time I ever saw it. It was about 1-1.5 hours long. I found out 20 years later when I remembered the series that in essence it was just the first 2-3 episodes cut together into a nice little mini-movie.

The moment I plugged the VHS tape in the player and the intro started, I was hooked. The music, the story, the atmosphere. I loved it. I watched it back to back 2-3 times that night just because I felt so good about it. It was rare to find those tapes back then so I ended up forgetting about Voltron for a long time.

For those who do not know, or are too young to remember, Voltron was a robot made from 5 robot lions piloted by some young space explorers. I still remember the amazing lion roar when the blazing sword was formed. Good times.

Anyways, what on earth does all this have to do with my life right? Well I guess there is another of those mysterious and cryptic allegories.

Back then the universe was peaceful and protected by this mighty defender. Their strength lied in their teamwork, ethics, determination and they were strong together. Voltron would strike fear in the hearts of his enemies. One day, an evil witch named Haggar that serves as a servant of the main antagonist, disguised herself and appeared in trouble. When Voltron came to help, she put a powerful curse and the 5 robot lions were split and tossed in different parts of the galaxy, becoming dormant for years. Chaos reigned supreme once more.

In the end, a new team of brave space explorers assembled, tracked down the robot lions and once more formed Voltron to defeat evil.

I woke up today really early and thought about the same thing. I used to be so strong and unfazed by the issues of daily life. Then since 2012 and then in August 2015 a series of problems began to manifest. Death, the girl in the yellow dress, injuries, diseases and economic stress all took their toll on me. Like that curse, my power and strength was split into pieces. My mental and physical health was scattered everywhere in the known multiverse. I could not form my own Voltron anymore. I can't believe over a year has passed since August 2015. We lived and died together for 6 months. Then I died alone. But finally I feel some form of peace now.

But lately things are falling back in place again slowly. I cannot believe I finally got my degree in Hydrogeology. Two years, two hard years have passed in Uppsala University. Two years of blood and bone. Not only that, I have my first important job interview next week in a big consulting firm. I am cautiously excited. Most of my survival problems will go away if I get the job and most importantly I will begin to fulfill my life's goal, to create a sustainable society and bring clean water and energy to people.

The other day I had lunch with Reyes and her friend Agnes. She asked me if I just woke up in the morning and went there for 30 minutes just to see them.

"What better excuse than to see a dear friend?", I replied.

Her face lit up with a smile and gave me a high five. It is nice to have some people you can actually call friends here. I think I can call Josefine, Eleonor, Reyes, Imenne, Efi and a couple more my friends here. Even though I do not see them often (more like rarely) it still feels nice. Eleonor is one of the few people that actually invites me out even in the last moment, it is so appreciated. They will probably never read those words, but I love them :)

So if there is a moral in all this story, it is that all the pieces of the puzzle are slowly falling in place. My mental health is much better than last year, I graduated, I hope I am in the verge of finding a job. After that, the last step will be to make a beautiful family in the future. I am tracking down my lions, one at a time. Finding a house, finding friends, finding a job, getting my health back and then the last lion. The black lion. The head of Voltron.

Goodnight and good day everyone.

This is my story

This is it my friends. This is the end. Not for me, this is just the beginning here. Great things are looming on the horizon. A horizon and sunlight that becomes smaller and smaller here in Sweden. Winter is upon us and the morning and evening fogs cover my neighborhood like a mystic silent-hill velvet. 

One and a half year after opening this blog I went through constant up and downs. I suffered emotionally, I had great times, I grew as a person and a researcher. I wrote most of my feelings here, but many of them are still and shall remain unspoken. 30.000 views later it is time to put a dot and end this experience, as my "honeymoon" with Sweden has ended.

Let's make a quick recap of what happened the last 30-45 days first. I had a ton of assignments. Literally a ton. I managed to power through all of them. I went to a boat trip on the Aland islands in the Bothnian Gulf. I went to Finland for a week where I met my soon-to-be co-supervisor on my professional master thesis. I went through economic turmoil yet I remained strong. I had insomnia for a few days. I slept like a vampire. I watched twitch more than I should have. I also went to a Stockholm nightclub which was one of the most pathetic experiences I had in my recent life. Drunk people, rude people, tryhards and beta males and interestingly enough, greek music in the toilets.

Another interesting thing is the career fair I attended here a few days ago. I met all sorts of companies like Boliden and WSP. WSP seem interested in me and invited me for a meeting at their offices. I expect this to be a nice learning experience. In my opinion they had the best booth and people there.

I was completely disappointed in one of my courses and in particular the teaching. But I have written what has to be written in the course evaluation. I was stinging, but constructive and reasonable. I also finally managed to open my bank at SEB after months of trying. Tonight we went at Holger's place and we watched 6 hours of shitty youtube videos, which was a nice escape from the gloomy room chocking the life out of me at times. Remember, we built this city on rock n' roll.

I should thank anyone that supported my blog or at least my effort. I tried sharing, liking, begging, asking for help and sometimes it came, sometimes not. I could not make it grow the way I wanted to. I really wanted to be the voice of Uppsala. Of Sweden. Maybe why not the world. Don't get me wrong, 30000 views is a huge number. But after the first few months here I saw that the views went up only when I hanged out with exchange students and tagged them on Facebook. But that is not the way I wanted it anymore.

I want to thank Claire for being the awesome person that she is and always supported me. Jasper for his contributions in some posts. Jaime for laughing at my horrible jokes here. Even a certain individual that along with moments of joy has left my inner soul into tatters and ultimate confusion. I guess I should also thank all the perverts that have searched for ridiculous words and found my blog for some reason. Like the latest pervert from Russia last month that did a google search for "women sticking cow dicks in". I kid you not. I love you all. And many more.

But there is either no content, interesting thoughts or motivation to keep this up. People seem to prefer watching cat videos or photos taken in Greek nightclubs. And I don't blame them, I do it myself! (the first part)

This is my story. It will go the way I want. Outside the dream world, life can be harsh. Even cruel, but it is life. And I will deal with whatever she throws at me. Love is a strange thing as well. But I am not going to talk about that. You can all go read some of my few posts in the beginning that explain a lot. Oh, I forgot to thank Sandie Will and Sara Dolatshahi, two amazing women that gave me an interview on Nuclear Power and Geology. You can find them here as well.

If you have a message, by all means comment here or hit me up on my facebook. Just say that you read my blog!

So...I guess that's it...For a last time here, but not a last time in life....Goodnight Sweden!

The end of the World.

I am not hurting people, they just make me do it

Why do people hurt each other? Is it in our genes? A desire to say and do things that make others lose their temper and say extraordinary words they would not say in any parallel universe?

Maybe it is like a virus, like an alien, hidden dormant within us and waits for the moment to crawl its way out of your mouth and poison your thoughts, your imagination, your judgement and turn you into a savage beast that hungers for revenge.

Or maybe it is purpose. Cause and effect. Purpose defines us, binds us, guides us. Cause and effect is everywhere as well. You say something that you didn't give much thought, or phrased it wrong, or maybe someone transferred your words wrongly and paraphrased them and now the angry pack of wolves is out to hunt you down, make you cower in a hellish corner and wait for the impending doom.

Choice. Talk about that. What is democracy? A way for some others to enforce their opinion in the end? Or is it the choice of many? It is always about choice. Someone will always be dissatisfied. As i looked outside my frozen window today i saw choice. The choice to be where i want to be, struggling for existence but under my own rules. And nobody will ever take that away from me.

It is my choice to make whom i trust and where i share my secrets. Until Saturday that was around 5 people. Today it is only 3. When i do something wrong i realize it and accept it. However there are times when you know that trying to present your arguments even if they are valid will not make a difference. Watch out who you share your thoughts with. It is like a broken telephone and in the end, you will be fixing both the line and the device.

This reminded me of a story i was involved with back when i was around 10 years old. As a little child i had to conjure a lot of lies in order to keep secrets or fool my father. That however followed me in my life outside our house, as i tended not to keep secrets, fabricate stories and spread rumors in order to hide my own insecurities and have a false hope of at least appearing popular to the rest in class.

I had that really good friend Stavros with whom i seldom talk once every year now during his birthday. We lost each other after i went to university. His father's passing affected him greatly and he was caught in a spiral of self conflict for years. I am glad to see that now he is a straight A scholarship student in Athens and is very passionate about public speaking and his political beliefs.

So our moms were very close too. I overheard something on the phone and i thought i heard the words Kalashnikov and chase. I presumed that his dad had chased his mom with a gun like this.

I told many people in class and school. And you know that especially in these ages and those environments rumors spread quite easily. It was a Friday night when we were all outside in the center playing. I miss those days. I learned that he was looking for me and then i realized what i had done. I was so afraid to face him and so ashamed as well. So i went to another friend's printing press building and he hid me there. Stavros arrived and i was hidden right behind him under a desk. My friend did not rat me out.

The outcome? A memory and shame that i will carry with me for the rest of my life. It took him years to talk to me again. And you know how we talked again? In a computer class outside school. Through Pokemon. He said "No matter what you did i could never hold a grudge against you". I will remember that day until i die.

Since then i tried not to hurt other people and tried to be overcautious with things i say. But thinking too much sometimes makes things worse. Sometimes you just care for someone and you ask them what are their plans for the future and it sounds so bad like you are judging them. I am not judgmental. I am not a sinner nor a saint.

This is simply some food for thought. And i am fairly sure that if this is read by the wrong people it will sound equally bad. But that is not my intention. I just want to get this out of my system. For i have clear conscience and i explained my points, even though apparently they never reached the target.

And remember, people will fail you. They will always do. Even the ones that you consider closest to you. But when you find that person that sticks by you in the hard times and instead of bashing you relentlessly when you do a mistake he holds your hand, criticizes you with justified arguments and then picks you up and gives you a pat on the back, keep him/her. It is funny how i wrote that article about friendship a few days ago and now i have to write this. I will still give my left arm and leg for some people. That number just got lower that's all.

I will leave you with a beautiful picture a friend of mine took from the Canaries.

Goodnight Sweden. I would like to hear your thoughts or stories down below in the comment section.

I wish i was there right now.