Till I collapse

Making any sense with these posts is tough. To make any, I would have to go back a couple of years, when the pain started.

"It is ok she said, you have nothing to fear, I am here now", she said with her crisp sweet voice.

Life was getting better. I was sort of recovering and I had invited the girl with the yellow dress home to cook and sleep. She did not hesitate for a moment even at 10 pm in the cold. I was in the kitchen, without any lights on peeking outside the large window hoping to get a glimpse of her shadow.

I rushed out and the pale leftover light of the old lamppost was overshadowed by the dark sky. The sun had set in a beautiful autumn day. I could hear some children from the neighbor's house. I could smell freshly cut grass from the nearby park. I had a nice affordable house with a cozy room, heat and enough income to eat and survive. My university grades were great. I had found a girl that would love me until the end of the world and I was just beginning to realize it. I was almost living the Swedish dream of Hus, Volvo och Hund (House, volvo and dog).

But dreams have the nasty habit of going bad when you are not looking.

I woke up sweaty, reminiscent of those times and looked at the clock. I guess it was just a bad relapse of the past but little I knew that the emotion would creep in into my new work.

New work? Oh that's right. I am working for SIWI (Swedish International Water Institute) and it is awesome. Never again have I felt more respected, needed and welcomed in a workplace before. I just finished my first week and along with the beautiful Swedish summer it has been fantastic. Barring this little incident.

After waking up like this, I wore my good smile, left my worries at home, put my new lovely dress shirt on, fired up happy songs and took the metro to work. The day went by pretty nice, with loads of fika, smiles and food outside in a beautiful garden. Then as I finished work Pernilla, a really nice woman that works in the office started talking to me, trying to lure me to have some incredible cookies that smelled heavenly. I am on super healthy diet for the past 2 months so somehow I refused.

We started talking about life, work and she took me to one of those meeting rooms to discuss more privately. She mentioned my älskling, the girl in the yellow dress. She asked me if I lost her, if I missed her, if I love her, if we have stopped all contact.

In the blink of an eye, I broke down like I had been hit by Zeus' lightning. I asked her to change the subject as I burst in tears. In my 5th day at work. Sometimes you feel weak, you kneel and you question your ability, you want to give up. But somehow, miraculously, you find the strength to get up and fight. No matter how much you want to stay on the canvas, no matter how hard the hit was.

Tell me why we are so blind to see, that the only ones we hurt are you and me?

Well, I am an educated fool, with a goal on my mind and I will pursue that goal until I collapse.

Goodnight Sweden

PS. The Swedish summer and Stockholm are the most beautiful things I have experienced in my life. Live, love, hope fools.

All dogs go to heaven

The rain was slowly falling down on my head as I was walking back home from work. I was in the final stretch at huvudsta, in that beautiful straight long road that is full of winter leaves and yellow colors now. I just wanted to go sleep and escape from the real world once more. Why? As I said fellow babies, I cannot seem to catch a break. But it's going to be alright. If anything, never give up, never surrender.

I was afraid to sleep. The other day after I dropped Nikoleta, who is a friend that just arrived in Stockholm and the poor thing gets stressed so easily, I went to have a beer with Amanda. The moment I was about to get out of the subway a girl around her 27's fell down on the last step of the stairway and her leg broke in an awkward angle. It was horrific. I held her hand while she was crying and left when the paramedics came. The clash of bone and sinew sent shivering chills down my spine.

Be well in doggie heaven...

Wicky died yesterday. Wicky was the most gentle, beautiful Belgian Shepherd dog of all time. She had bone cancer and she went to dog heaven. I learned about it when I was at work and I cried in the subway, I cried in the apartment too. Every time she saw me, she would drag her old 10 year old body towards me, lie down on the floor, lift her back leg up and wait for me to scratch her belly. Every time I was in the kitchen, she would come sit next to me and look with those patient beautiful eyes that sucked you inside to have a piece of cheese. And some other times, she would climb on top of me and hug me like a human being. I would hug her back and love her with everything I had. Goodbye Wicky.

Other than that my dreams are weird as usual. Nightmares or just plain weird. I do not understand them, but I have ceased trying to. I remember an abandoned train stop that was being constructed and me walking with two friends, Yiannis and Kostas. We met a kid and his father who also happened to be Greek. His name was Andreas.

The dream shifted to my car being slowly losing pieces. In the end only the skeleton was left. I went into a Greek place to buy souvlaki and ended up fighting with someone. I shouted so hard he went under the table. I bought a Coke for 50 cents. Bargain I tell you.

Today I ended up speaking to Lionel Messi and being in a massive conference with my cyborg suit. I remember dogs and sadness. In the end I helped a fat guy in an abandoned endless slope and we teleported away. Turns out some guys from Poland wanted to know more about me and my suit. Apparently in my dream I can speak perfect polish too. I woke up. Alone. The rain still hammers the house like a sledgehammer and I am inside, tucked inside my blanket, writing these words, waiting for the next best thing.

Goodbye Wicky. I will see you in dog heaven.