Greece time zero - Ελλάδα ώρα μηδέν

For the first 20 years of my life i was living in a normal, casual corrupted country ready to burst at any time. But nobody cared, because money and jobs existed and everyone was happy enough. We did complain, but that's what we always do even when things are going our way. Jaime knows well about it as it is the Portuguese way too.

For the next 5 years between my 20th and 25th birthday things deteriorated greatly with the World economic crisis hitting markets all over the world hard like the hammer of the gods. Economies like Germany, the USA, Australia, the magnificent island of Iceland (though it is more complicated than that) endured or recovered, while countries in the Balcans, Greece, Spain, Portugal or any country with good weather left behind charred ground, ashes and flesh and bones. Until 2010 things were grim and the looked to get worse but nothing could prepare us for what was about to come.

2010 is the landmark, a monumental year that set the pace for what was about to follow. What was that? It was said on tv the other day and i was thinking about it for a long time now. We were beginning to become the first African country in Europe. And finally we succeeded this past week. Back then our amazing president of PASOK (Hellenic Socialistic Movement or short for sticking a pineapple without lubrication in your anus) Andreas Papandreou, a fossil with a mustache that succeeded the other beach whale of a prime minister we had after some assassination plan decided that in order to recover from this nightmare was to make everyone unemployed, cut salaries to a bare minimum and more by agreeing with the IMF (International Moneytary Fund) for massive loans of billions of euros that had a renewable agreement and payments or installments had to be met in specific deadlines every few months. So these cuts and strict measures were vital according to the bald mouthpiece that everyone over 40 voted for prime minister as you know, 1.6 billion euros have to be gathered by the people that receive 400 euros per month, not the lunatics and troglodytes that have been bleeding this country since 1827 that earn 2.000+ per month.

M for Malakas.

Of course people started to be extremely angry and as a premature ejaculator Mr. Papandreou called for premature national elections. And he took the boulo*. For the meaning of the phrases with an asterisk refer to the Appendix in the end of the page, as today i am also going to educate you in greek phrases that make no sense to other people, but mean a lot for us.

Still following? Great. He was overthrown with a significant amount of people that were also usually over 50 by this interesting idiot from a village 30 minutes from me. His name is Antonios Samaras and he resigned yesterday. He was the newly elected member of the previous government's political party Nea Dimokratia which literaly means "New Democracy". If democracy is like that then i am a chechen autonomist. He was responsible for managing the transition to becoming Zimbambwe until 2015 and he did great. He also promised free wi-fi to everyone but when he resigned he forgot to give us the WEP keys. What a pity. In any case he agreed with the IMF for more strict measures, though in some cases you could say that even though we had that pineapple in our ass everyday at least some things were stable, like the banks were working and there was decent cash flow running around the veins of this country.

"I really tried and i managed to bring a smaller cucumber.."

And finally from January of 2015 until last week in June 2015 the transition to Zimbambwe was complete. The Greek people had enough and felt a change was needed. This change was brewing since 2012 from the previous elections with the leftist party Syriza*. And finally there was time for change in this January. What followed is unprecedented in so many levels i can't even begin to describe them all while not being biased.

To clarify myself, i do not support any party. This country has been rotten from the insides and the maggots are eating it since 1827 and one could argue that this happens since the Golden Age of Athens and Pericles around 400 B.C. The first problem lies in the situation that this country has been thrown into since 2010. Greece borrowed a LOT of money and the debt is around 1 Trillion euros. A trillion. So when the new government comes into play with all those promises that they will accept no new measures and wage/budget cuts a problem arrises. The common people that are mostly plagued by these issues are the ones that initiate this change hoping that everything else will change as well but that is not possible, and certainly not within the 5 months that Syriza is ruling. So when you owe that much money and you require way more to just exist, rather than grow you don't go to the people that you ask money from (in this case the rest of Europe, such as Germany) with thrasos* and magkia* and ignorance to enforce your own terms.

Don't get me wrong. The debt is insurmountable and unbearable and in the end what they pursue is a more viable settlement that will not make the people yield even more. But their actions in many areas, maybe based on their inexperience in ruling coupled with the fact that they got thrown into this tornado that has made bone and sinew clash daily leaving nothing but charred ground were catastrophic. And it is very interesting how many overlook these problems and praise them for being different even if the end product will make them suffer more.

Debt.

So what about the debt? How many of you actually know that we are in debt pretty much since 1827 with the forming of the first free Greek government? The newly formed government that was created after the incredible Revolution of 1821 against the Turks and they asked the UK government for a loan in gold or golden coins i am not sure. It was a pretty substantial amount back then and during the transport most of the money got lost/stolen and never made it back home. With no funds to begin with, the state was already in debt. The economy was dire also after the first and second World War but then the civil war followed up, the Hounda* in the 70's and then the relentless feasting of the previous governments that eventually led us to today's situation.

Greeks are known for standing together during difficult times and making heroic exits or brave feats that are almost unmatched in World History. A country that small defeated Persians, Italians, German Nazi's and the Turks with sheer thrasos and determination. They said OXI* to slavery multiple times, but many don't understand that in this current state we are enslaved forever with this debt. But we also tend to forget the wars in the inside of the country. Wars that spanned from Ancient Greece to the Civil War, to Hounda and even in Greek Football. And when they realize they need to join forces and work for a common cause often everything is lost, decimated or a Pyrrhic Victory*.

An image is equal to a thousand words.

So until now i discussed what went on until now but i haven't discussed what our government did, only that they used true grit and aggressive tactics thinking they will get a better negotiation and deal. But usually when you are in a situation like this you end up usually taking my arxidia*. And we took them. And now they are hanging. Like low fruit. But how did we get there. How? It was supposed to be an era of change, not the same damn issues hidden and masked behind people likeable from the general public?

Mr. Tsipras, the prime minister talked about change, no more cuts in wages or retirement funds, more jobs and more viable negotiation with the IMF as well as growth. That all looked good in paper and theory. Remember the word theory because it will come up soon. He created his government nice and easy but the important choice was in the all important ministry of economics.

There he appointed Yannis Varoufakis, a rich biker boy with too much academia on his head and a pointy nose that resembles a cult greek pornstar of the 70's. This man is a professor in economics and apparently very smart at that with a lot of theories. However he never had practice and he swam directly into the deep waters. He was instantly adored by the common people for his "normal" and down to earth approach as well as his behavior outside the parliament. But he is outspoken and with a dose of too much magkia and full of contradictions. For the past 5 months of his tenure until he resigned today (and we will get back to that later) he made only mistakes. Blatant mistakes that were recognized from his own political party until he took the boulo today and Twitter is going crazy over the minister of awesome. My dick is awesome too, should i flash it to everyone?

Wanna ride on my bike honey?

The negotiations with the IMF and the Troika went sour from the first meetings. All the big heads loathed him and in the crucial negotiations of last week demanded his absence until ultimately asking for his head today. And the prime minister stood souza* as the command came from Wolfgang Shauble.

To clarify things, Greece was supposed to pay the money to the IMF by the 30th of June. That amount was 1.6 billion euros. The last week the government and the powerful people of europe were discussing about the newest prolonging of the settlement and the loan of more money that is vital for the proper function of this country. The IMF asked for more harsh measures and the government said no. What happened? Tsipras said that a public voting would be cast to give the power to the people to choose. Yes to the measures or no to the measures. Yes would mean instant cash flow and a big cucumber in your ass, but no would mean a giant one. What a nice option. There was another party that chose to say no to no and no to yes if that makes any sense. If you think about it morally and ethically it looks like the proper solution but it is not viable.

The problem here was that europe and economists said that if No prevailed a settlement and an agreement would be very hard and could lead to a potential Grexit* very soon. What followed was mayhem. Total chaos and annihilation. Massive propagandas from the media, pathetic statistics and analysis from idiots. Amazing fights for the hall of fame in Jerry Springer's show between politicians and scenarios. When the public voting was announced people flocked into the ATM machines and managed to withdraw 1 billion euros in 24 hours. A billion. So Tsipras closed the banks for a week with a withdraw limit of 60 euros per day. People panicked and bought supplies for a war such as rice, pasta and gas. Endless lines outside the ATMs for 70 year old people trying to get just a piece of their retirement money.

Amazing, even through the downpour.

But the worst thing, the absolute disaster comes into play now. Closed banks means that there is no more cash flow, that companies cannot buy primary products to process and sell, everything is on hiatus for indefinite time until a new agreement is set and with the capital control looming over our heads for at least two years now it is going to be really hard to stand on our feet. And that billion of cash is not going back in for sure. You should have seen how the members of Syriza also flocked to the ATM's to withdraw their millions. Capitalist leftists my ass. But i don't blame them it is their fortune i would have done the same.

Closed banks and withdraw limits impacts tourism too. People are scared to visit our country and their homelands inform them that they will run into issues if they visit Greece. For a country that lives only on tourism that is an incredible hit since people such as myself are waiting for these 3 summer months to take a breather from the yearly crisis. Now July is almost halfway here and the tourist destinations and cancels are soaring day by day. And we still have no agreement.

Varoufakis vouched that there will be no capital control, the banks won't close, that they will not accept such a tough settlement again. But he lied. He is a fool and an ignorant one as well. My ass a man of the people with his massive fortune. He almost single handily threw us out of europe with one foot inside the grave as everything he said happened. "No" won with a 61% but what did that mean? Absolutely nothing. Most people think that it is a revolution or rebelling against the unbearable debts and disgusting settlements of 8 billion euros proposed by the IMF. However now he resigned and took the easy way out. But what does that mean? It means that europe is willing to negotiate with their own terms which rendered this public voting insignificant and useless in the first place. And now that we have no negotiating power we will take the arxidia and both the cucumbers and put them you know where since probably the new settlement will be more strict.

I sound negative don't i? Who can blame me, we have seen corruption, promises and more promises and in the end everything went to hell. I just want the best for this country, my family and my peers. But i am just cautious and i sincerely hope i am wrong and that everyone can make a heroic return as in our proud history. Varoufakis thought he can fuck europe. But he forgot one important thing. In Greek mythology Europe was a very beautiful woman. Zeus, the god of thunder and leader of everything deceived her and fucked her until she made 3 kids. Such an asshole and sexist dinosaur he was. But people forget that after doing that to Europe he tossed her away and abandoned her...Do not fuck with europe. We are a part of it.

To conclude all this i wanted to talk about something else too. First of all i hear that people say that we are slobs that do nothing all day sitting at the beach drinking frappe* and saying Opa a lot. It is not like that. I work daily from 5 am to 5 pm and sometimes more just to exist. We live to work and pay. Only Portugal comes close to the weekly hours of work

That ain't falco.

Lastly a message to the Greek people that i see around too. Do not be divided and work for a common cause. Also do not badmouth the people that have fed you for years such as the endless waves of german tourists. You call them horrible names yet they choose to come here every year and spend their money because they love our country. You hate Merkel ok i understand, but is it their fault too? I was walking in stores i supply and heard people shouting that europeans are the devil and they should be put down like dogs, or other drunk greek slobs shouting fuck germans. You know what, if you gave your own money to someone (more importantly if it was such a big amount) you would be strict and interested in getting them back. Are they the sole reason we are in debt or in this situation? How about yourselves? Did you think about it when you tax-evaded? Or when you used your connection to eat someone else's place in a government operation? Or did the Germans do that too? We should account for our own mistakes instead of blaming just others and take full responsibility. But we are also not sheep so you also need to think rationally and for the common good instead of trying to save your own skin first.

I am not pro-German, or a right wing fan, or a left wing fan. I am just trying to survive and i see all those beautiful amazing young minds unemployed or flocking to europe where they are sheltered, respected and thrive, because we are amazing intelligent people that will always find ways to persevere. And this is what we should do here. Instead of fighting we should unite and try to find a common viable solution for the country and the people. This has been already a huge post that i have been writing for hours so i will drop it here. I wonder if anyone will bother to read it or just focus on the "negatives". I hope for the former.

Goodnight Sweden. Goodnight Greece.

Appendix

1) The boulo (τον πούλο) = slang greek phrase for someone that got kicked out from somewhere in a hurry, usually with a kick in his ass. "Kostas took the boulo today because he was an icompetent baboon that i would not sell even a virus to."

2) Syriza (Σύριζα) = Leftist political party currently governing the country. Interesting fact, most of its members are former members of PASOK, the right wing party...Also called "tsiriza" which means shouting with a shriek to make fun of them.
3) Thrasos (θράσος) = Thrasos could be defined as grit. It is used when someone uses guts and tries to make his/her opinion heard with courage determination but can also mean that he/she is having a bad attitude thinking they are the best or above others. "Kostas is a scumbag and thrasys he is always badmouthing others and never lets anyone speak".
4) Μagkia (μαγκιά) = Quite the interesting word. It means that you have guts or that you try to look nice, interesting and awesome to other people, while you are just an average joe or a simple bully. "Yannis tried to sell some magkia to that other guy just because he is more muscular but he has the brain of a dinosaur."
5) Hounda (Χούντα) = After a coup d'etat around 1967 that culminated with the Turks invading Cyprus in 1974 the country was in strict military state for 7 years that torn the country in half and halted all potential growth.
6) Oxi (Όχι) = Τhe word for No, famously said against the Turks and Italians in Greek History. Now it was also said during the public voting of the 5th of July 2015.
7) Pyrrhic Victory (Πύρρειος Νίκη) =  A victory but with great casualties, that is almost a loss.
8) Take my arxidia (Πάρε τ'αρχίδια μου) = Literally means "take my testicles" but is a phrase used to indicate that someone will not give you what you asked for but something way worse. "Kostas asked me for money but told me he will pay me in 128 months so i told him to take my arxidia".
9) Kathomai Souza (Kάθομαι σούζα) = When someone, usually a dog sits immobilized in front of someone usually higher in the hierarchy and shows total discipline and fear. "After behaving like a mongrel, Jaime made Sandra sit souza in front of him in total fear".
10) Frappe (φραπέ) = Simple cool type of coffee that is usually enjoyed in the beach or a cafeteria.

A new adventure begins - a new country collapses

Where does someone begin if he has too much to say? I guess you just go with the flow and hope the end product does not look like diarrhea, fyi messy. Yes if you wondered i watch a lot of Angry Video Game Nerd lately and diarrhea is his most frequent word along with fuck, anus and anything brown that smells bad. Wow, now that's what i call an intro.

This has been another hectic month. June is already over and July is upon us. What have i been up to? Well a lot of things. Interesting, boring, you name it. This is probably going to be a long post as it is almost a months recollections and written in small segments due to my workload.

Goodbye Uppsala
 
It all started around the 6th of June. I was flying that morning to go to Finland and meet my fox. I would stay there until the 18th of June and then we would fly together to have some quality time back home before i got sucked into my daily routine of heat, sweat and frustration for the next two months. What is even more interesting is that i packed my massive boulder the previous night as opposed to a few hours before flying. Yay, bonus points for me.

The previous day i went for a last burget marathon at Jaime's where his dad made more fun of our greek economy, his sister made me a horse again and pretended she doesn't know english and i made fun of Jaime's swedish and pc gaming skills. I think we also watching a lot of videos with Jeff the diseased lung which is a very interesting HBO documentary about the tobacco industry and their raging war against countries that oppose them. Let me get this straight: a company suing a country the size of Australia and if that was not enough they also attacked Togo and other African countries. Speaking of African countries Greece has become the only African country in Europe if you know what i mean, but i will get back to that later. Here is the segment of that show i told you about. It is worth watching!

Meet Jeff the diseased lung. Yuk.

Talking about smoking and the ridiculous decisions behind it he also brings the topic of the Marlboro Man and the so called "Marlboro values" that come with it.

"Live the Marlboro values" they said. Well fuck me, 4 of those Marlboro men have died by smoking related diseases so far. I will pass.

Not only that but that latest campaign is called "Don't be a maybe, be a Marlboro" and sports a guy smoking with the beard that big that probably has a little chinchila underneath it. I am overextending of course but that commercial and that logo confounds me. And what the hell does that slogan even mean in the first place?

Stop being maybes...you fools....whatever that means.

Of course in Sweden the sun sets at 00:30 now and comes back up at 02:00 so technically we have light all day. So when i started my long journey home with that massive boulder of a luggage i had i was eager to leave and make it to the airport. How wrong i was.

On my way there in the trusty number 7 bus i started receiving text messages. In the beginning i didn't pay any attention i thought it was probably some advertising or that my internet mb were running low. On the third ring though i looked it up and i saw that my flight was cancelled due to "technical issues". I was actually quite calm, it is probably a sign that i am aging. So i got to the train station and picked up the 801 bus to the airport to go check things out as i was determined to fix things. I also heard a black girl outside shouting that her flight was cancelled so i talked to her and i found out she had the same issue with the same flight. We got to the airport and we decided to stick together and go to the information desk.

The options were simple:
A) Go back to my place and leave with the next flight tomorrow.
B) Book another flight in the same day with another company
C) Make them pay for food, food and more food, a hotel to stay around there and more food.

Option A was ruled out immediately. I was going nowhere with that boulder of a bag. Option B was out of the question as i was not going to spend 100 more euros for another flight. So i made them give me option C. I got a one night stay at a nice hotel 5 minutes from the airport with lunch and dinner and breakfast and a 15 euro coupon for food in the airport. Amazing stuff.

In the end i spent my whole day in the hotel room in that super comfy bed eating candies and bread and cheese and watching the champions league final :D Not too shabby! So there i was eating candies waiting for the day to pass and watching my favorite football team dismantle the opposition with ease. Yay!

The next day i went to the airport, ate a champion's breakfast and hopped on the flight to Helsinki. Another adventure was about to unravel that involved exotic animals, domesticated animals, a lot of food and dinosaurs. But more on that on the next post. I actually have so much to write but there is not enough time or energy, especially with the bankruptcy of the greek economy and the total collapse we are witnessing these days.

Until next time, goodnight Sweden, goodnight world. Send me your love and pray for Greece and its stupid government.

I am lightning, the rain transformed

I am lightning, the rain transformed. After shortcomings, depression, language barriers and issues everywhere i find myself ending this year on a high. Changed, confident. 

 Also i am addicted. I am addicted to the internet. We had a 6 day blackout at home the past week and it was terrible. I felt i had absolutely nothing to do. From studying to playing, to watching a video or simply surfing. I was nervous, annoyed and extremely sensitive and aggressive sometimes. I had to work in the university department for 3 days straight for over 8 hours to finish some 40 page papers.

Claire's latest post generated some funny responses and the mandatory hate mail, though everyone seemed to agree on the food part. Also i learned from an American girl that plants in Israel smell strange. I am as surprised and baffled as you are don't worry. Do you want to be like Claire? Send me a message and we can talk about more guest posts. My vision is to change this from the voice of Uppsala to the voice of students all around the world. Who knows...maybe one day.

Not much has happened since then. I am just preparing for my short trip in Finland and my unexciting return to Greece for the summer. I cooked a lot. I watched a 100 hour Metal Gear marathon in OHN (ohnBoss brothers!). Which is the only worthy channel for me in Twitch right now. I had great conversations with the guys there. And what surprised me the most is that when i said i cannot donate to support the channel, a complete stranger donated 2.5$ in my name. I have no words for that. Thank you kind sir.

Then its my dreams again. What on earth is going on there. Abductions, swingers, your girlfriend in black cape cult, you wearing the same cape in a different cult, a blue Mazda mx-5 that you could screw and unscrew like a Lego. Walking in a town straight from Grand Theft Auto or even Sim City and the guy next you suggesting you should build the church of Satan, a glowing building the size of a skyscraper with flames for doors and happy char-coaled bloodthirsty satanists.

"It will give you good discounts" the guy said. I guess he knew something.

And lets not forget the cult your girl came out from. A huge door with a flower and an arc above it. It had the writing "Marplethorpe" on it. To my horror and surprise i found out that Robert Marplethorpe was a controversial photographer and there was an actual collection called "the flowers of Robert Marplethorpe". Dafuq?

Some spooky shit going on here...

I have no idea what is going on. I am gonna go back to Twitch and my bread and cheese. Remember, it is your chance to join this small community of writers, leave a comment, share your experience with the world!

Bye Sweden for the last time this summer!

I will KFC you to death - An American Horror Story by Claire Newton

***Disclaimer***

Before you start reading, let me clear one thing. This post has nothing to do with the tv-series AHS. Roger that? Nice. Keep reading, except maybe in case you are American. Then close your browser window, forget about this article and go play some Farmville on Facebook.

My name is Claire. I’m the one who wrote the letter mentioned in this (post/place link) and the one you probably blame for not letting Kostas abandon his writing career and save his readers from their misery. Just kidding. Go! Go! Kostas. Keep writing.

I should also mention that I’m a brit-greek, with a morbid combination of the worst qualities from each nationality which makes me a really difficult person. Don’t ask me where I got my honesty and self-criticism, cause I’ve no idea.

Now that I’ve (poorly) introduced myself, I’ll tell you that recently, 16 long days ago to be exact, a Turkish Airlines plane carried me away from home to a land of walking brain dead and moving fat. My 2 hours waiting time in the airport of Istanbul, where the security checked mostly non-muslim passengers and ignored the rest, was my last contact with civilization. My arrival at the Dulles International Airport was the beginning of a long journey in the zombie land.

Prologue

The United States have always been projected as the land of freedom, of democracy, of limitless opportunities. The American Dream is their main export product, the drug they sell and Hollywood is the dealer.

For many years, I thought part of this dream, was actually true and possible to obtain. I say “part of it” because my father made sure to open my eyes every time I was misled, but still, dreams are dreams, they are nice and lovely and pink and fluffy and you can easily believe them even when they stink like horseshit.

My first realization came back in 2010, with my first trip to the States which lasted exactly 28 days. I wrote 2 blog posts for my own blog back at that time under the titles “American Dream” (part 1 and 2). Now that I think of it, I should re-title them “28 days after”. I think it’s proper.

Now, 5 years later, my social experiment is in Phase 2, as I like to call those trips. This time, the unfortunate (crazy) scientist will have to endure not 28, but 88 whole days in this cursed land, where the only true god is Lord Dollar.

After already 17 days, I’m in position to share my first scientific observations with the rest of the world.

Firstly, Americans don’t know how, or what, to eat. They spent a massive amount of money or buying crap. Seriously, they have huge supermarkets where you can find long aisles full of pre-cooked or frozen or ready quick meals, cheap and easy. Cook in the microwave oven for 3’ and eat your shit. You can buy fresh meat of course but if I got it right, they don’t even know how to f***ing cut it! Like, most of the meat pieces were cut like steaks. FFS people.. There are normally, NORMAL people, who actually shop and cook their meals, which is the hard way, but from what I saw, the majority here, choose the easy way.

Secondly, you pay a handful of bucks for the cleaning lady once per week. And while you wait for the cleaning lady, with your dirty clothes making a pile on your fancy walking closet, your house stinks like the horseshit I mentioned. Especially those who have a pet, a dog or a cat, their houses smell like a stable, at best. A house in which if you accidentally hit the wall, you’ll open a hole bigger than your punch.

And don’t get me started about paying someone to do a 1-hour-gardening-job because you are lazy and want to sit in front of a TV for 1 more hour.

Also, people here spent their time at the mall. They don’t have what to do, so they go shopping, or window-shopping, or whatever in a mall. Go fuck yourself at the mall. Go fuck your cat at the mall. Are you bored?? Go to the mall!!! Don’t you have something interesting to do? Go to the f-ing mall!!! That’s where you go when you’re bored. That’s what you do when you have free time. Take your kids to the mall!!!! 

That’s all folks, I have 71 more days and a lot of venom to spit. Stay tuned if you want another sociology lesson.

P.S. I’m not sorry for the long post.

P.S. Sorry i kept you waiting Kostas. You can take an American potato.

 

McFat.

Smoothie rakas is smoothie

The past 20 days since the last post have been hectic and the upcoming week is about to get even worse but finally i found some time to write. Or i think i looked back and reflected and i finally have something to write.

We spent a lot of time in class building hydrological models and simulating various things such as net radiation or relative humidity but the most interesting part of these courses but also the most time consuming both physically and mentally was the field work. As usual the teams were completely random. And by random i mean the same people were in the same groups...It's hard to infiltrate groups of people that grew up together and studied in the same masters. So i was left with Fabian, Shahar and Paulina. Fabian is not what you would call my best friend but he is very smart, hardworking and efficient. I would pick him in a group any time. Paulina is more or less the same and she really likes her Excel files to be tidy and compact.

During the field we had to be in that farm for hours. Building, measuring, walking like little robots around the pumping wells. The Groundwater modeling course was completely disorganized. We had to improvise in order to measure things like water discharge and use crappy equipment but i guess it is a good thing as you have to be creative and get the job done. The first time the weather was crystal clear and warm. As i was moving the equipment back to the university provided van i stopped dead on my tracks.

Sometimes when i look around this country i am awed by what i see. Sweden is truly an extraordinary place to live both as a society and as a testament to Earth's natural beauty. And that is exactly what happened here. An endless sky of light blue with clouds in any kind of shape that looked distant and otherworldly. They stood there in formation like a thousand battleships straight outside a science fiction movie. I gazed there in awe with my jaw dropping while i caught myself saying "Wow dude, you live in an amazing place". Scenes i had only seen in movies, pictures or video games. And since then every time i look up i feel like we are in a little tiny ball and our town is shrunk and the sky and clouds reign supreme and massive like a juggernaut above us.

A friend said that the windows XP background picture was taken in Sweden. I believe that.

Good times. Then we entered the small abandoned meteorological station. A dusty old house with leftover equipment and signs of previous life. It looked and smelled like a bunker from World War II. It also had one of those old hippies Volkswagen vans that was there for years and you could see the stickers on it from its past travels all around the world.

The next week was even more stressful. Jasper, the dutch guy that wrote the previous amazing article about making beer from dinosaur bones was arriving and i promised to show him around. On the same time i had my essays. Not only that but i was also supposed to babysit Shila, Mr. Andrea's cute little beagle (flight ticket pun intended). She is totally the best person i have only met 3 times. Also my fox was arriving one day later which made for a really action packed schedule. But first things first.

Say hi Jasper!

I met Jasper in our department at the Geocentrum after class and i quickly showed him around. I learned he found an overpriced home to live but i guess it is a good start as housing is a real issue here. I also introduced him to our supervisor Susanne but none of the other classmates because when i tried, frankly they didn't give a fuck. Oh well. We headed for the Evolutionmuseet of natural history but it opened at 13:00. So we went to the cafeteria where i found a baboon, a guy that dresses like a woman recently, a guy that i was not sure he still existed, a guy with rotten potatoes for hair, a guy i had met but had no idea and a girl that had too many tequila shots in Snerikes last night. The baboon was no other than Holger and he made fun of my clothes telling me i looked like a sitcom guy from the 80's that wears this clothes to get laid.

"In that case i should lend you my clothes so you can get laid finally too". Always prepared to strike back. Everybody laughed except from the Belgian hangover girl that was sleeping on the table.

Afterwards we went to the Swedish and Scandinavian fauna museum followed by the dinosaur museum. I hoped to see more dinosaurs but there were these amazing Pentaceratops and T-Rex skulls that i could fit in their mouth and sleep it was scary and also awesome. Jasper took a thousand pictures it was like his favorite playground it was nice to see that. He also knew many of the bones names and anatomy so i am sure he will have a great time in the Paleobiology master.

We went to my place to check on Shila and take her for a walk as we were supposed to pick up a temporary nation's card for him. It was so funny when Shila was in the house for the first time she barked and the girl that lives across the hallway asked me:

"Kostas did i just hear a dog or did you bark and i am going mentally insane?"

Hilarious. Anyways we headed out and it started raining but i still had to show Jasper around. We went to the center, we ate some dirty food from MAX's and i showed him the student nations. Time passed, the rain was soaking my clothes and we were greeted by even worse news as it is virtually impossible to bypass Swedish bureaucracy. Jasper was denied a temporary nation's card as his evidence of being a student was not enough and he is admitted officially from this September. Understandable but bullshit if you ask me. He said that in Amsterdam you would be welcome with open arms. I had to get back home so he decided to hang out in Palermo where he met a retired Finnish professor and another guy and at least had his fun.

Back home Shila was like a wet cloth. I took the hair drier and cleaned her up. She fell on the ground like a dead cockroach enjoying the heat of the drier. I love dogs. I slept and slept and slept because the next day the fox was coming from Finland. In the morning i made a mistake and as usual i made a mistake and went out for a walk 1 hour earlier than i intended. That meant a huge walk in the park with Shila and the consumption of 2 ice creams and a bar of chocolate.

#Instabeagle.

Shila is not really fond of buses and i m surprised she was so quiet in the bus ride to Arlanda. As i entered terminal 2 there was a girl looking at me and Shila all the time smiling. So i did the responsible thing and let her pet her. She was really happy and then her boyfriend arrived. I said bye and waited for the fox. She had a terrible packed flight full of screaming kids so we just took the bus back home.

The next 4 days were simple really. Take Shila out, watch a movie, go out to Storken's for fika, leave Shila to the next babysitter, watch some more movies and eat ridiculous amounts of candies. Ahhh the perfect life. It is also worth noting that we went to the O'learys Irish pub in Uppsala and had the best fish and chips and cheeseburger with BBQ sauce ever. It is expensive and you will pay an arm and a leg but every once in a while or even if you are just a sports fan its a great sports bar.

Don't mind me just taking my Shila out for a walk.

On Monday the little coconut left so i was back to square one with my only company being Twitch, the death of Murllll in the Outer Heaven Network that streams only Metal Gear games relentlessly and my essays. Loads of essays. And statistics. Gah. It is also my name day and it was heartwarming as usual to see how many people that never talk to you just send you a random message or tag you in a post with another 350 people and say happy name day. For the rest that actually sent me a message thank you very much, even if we don't talk a lot i appreciate it greatly.

Other than that i don't really have any other news. I guess a fun fact is that Marta, the old woman that rents me my room forgot once more what i study and what nationality i am. I live here for a year but its ok. I also told her that i liked this winter and it was not so bad. Her reply was "I don't remember how this winter was". I wish at times i had such a bad memory about some things.

Well, wrapping it up it has been a busy and interesting May! I am still looking for more writers! Please if you live in any place in the world and you feel like writing about anything sent me a message or leave a comment! It is really a great way to express yourself and a relief.

Until next time, bye Sweden! Bye world!

The Flesh Grazer

The Flesh Grazer

~How drunk ideas can turn into something awesome~

God morgon!

These are actually my very first written words in Swedish; such an achievement! I am proud of myself. From August 2015, I will be a new Master’s student in the vicinity of Uppsala, following the Palaeobiology program. After my admissions, I had a good Skype call with Kostas, who further introduced me to this awesome-sounding city. He mentioned that he occasionally writes in a blog, and that he might need more writers. So here it is, my first contribution.

For my first article, I will refer to an awesome project I had last year. Together with a group of friends, I managed to brew a beer from real dinosaur bones. This may seem a far-fetched sci-fi story, but it is actual science. I won’t go deep into stuff, but to understand the process it is necessary to realize that yeast kind of eats calcium and magnesium for breakfast. The number of these ions affects the fermentation and taste of the beer; so that the water source is dependent of the beer’s outcome. Some brewers mash up oyster shells to alter the chemistry of their water, and we… yes, we mashed up dinosaur bones. Real dinosaur bones (and a sniff of ground tooth enamel).

How did we actually get to such a crazy project? One of my closest friends, by the name of Thomas Hermsen (picture), is a -semi-professional- beer brewer. His beers and liquors regularly have some sort of unexpected extra ingredient. Examples include, but are not limited to: bacon, bananas and chili peppers. During one of many drunken nights, we were speculating about a next beer. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, the question “Is it possible to brew a beer from dinosaur bone?” was raised.

Which actually isn’t that weird of a question, regarding my affinity to paleontology. At that time, I was a volunteer in the Museon in The Hague, in the process of establishing a new exposition of close-to-real dinosaur electronics. Though the Museon is generally a broad museum, having exhibitions ranging from far-away cultures to the Roman history of The Hague, from law to space exploration, one of their top pieces include a fairly complete specimen of Allosaurus fragilis (nicknamed Cubone).

So at a certain point I asked my supervisor if we could perhaps have some pieces of dinosaur bones to brew a beer with. What followed was him laughing at me for like fifteen minutes straight. When I said that I was serious, I actually received a few pieces from a box in a forgotten part of the depot. They were collected from the Hell Creek formation of Montana (some 70 million years old), and heavily fragmented; and thus are of no scientific importance. Just good enough for beer, then.

The cherry on top of this fossil cake comprised of ground tooth enamel from Cubone. My Bachelor’s thesis, which took place around the same time, focused on stable isotopes of this critter’s tooth enamel. I won’t go deep into stuff here either, but it has to do with migration patterns and trophic level (sometimes, you literally are what you eat). Regardless what the results may have been, one of the samplings ‘accidently’ went wrong, contaminating the enamel with dentine. Throwing it away would be a waste, so why not add it to the beer? This way, we are confident that there is at least some dinosaur material dissolved in the mix.

June 3^rd, 2014. Brew day. For those of you who are not familiar with the process of brewing, it mainly consists of having loads of free time. At certain time steps, the brew has to be heated, stirred or completed with additional ingredients. Rest of the time was filled with playing Mario World. Classic.

After the yeast was added to water and heated, the dinosaur bones were the next ingredient. Jelle Heijne was in charge of this unorthodox task. On the streets outside, he smashed the bones with a hammer, leaving only little shards. These were added in the mix, and yes, some parts actually dissolved.

At the end of the day, a small flask that contained the precious ground tooth was emptied above the cauldron. The base for an awesome beverage was finished. Now, we need to wait.

We wanted the beer to be a ground-shaking one; sweet with the honey from pine trees (which were quite widespread at the time), with a powerful bite. As such, the name ‘Flesh Grazer’ was coined, after the proposed hunting method of A. fragilis. Scientists picture it as the animal running towards a much larger prey, such as Camarasaurus, tearing loads of flesh from the poor creature’s soft belly, and running away with it. This way, the prey doesn’t die (unless fatal organs were hit or the wound becomes infected) and recovers. Unlimited supply of food, prehistoric sustainability 101. We could learn from them.
In addition, we wanted the beer to be 15,0%, as a reference to the 150 million year old animal. However, the liquid gold turned into an even more powerful liquor, sporting a whopping 16,2%. Beer for those who can take a hit, and really want to enjoy what their senses can take them to.

The beer was finally bottled on September 3^rd. It can be drunk now, but the longer it stays inside the bottle, the better it gets. I might drink one bottle when I get to Sweden, and save some to celebrate the next awesome achievements that undoubtedly will follow.

Cheers!

Jasper Ponstein

Drink with me friend - It's time to get Valborged

Alcohol is interesting.

Alcohol can offer you a getaway from a hard day in the office. It can take you to the clouds and then drag you down to the depths of Tartarus. It is one of the banes of humanity and the destroyer of men. It destroys people, men, women, kings, crusaders, families and empires.

Yesterday it was Valborg here in Sweden. It is a fairly important day, as you can see people of all ethnicities enjoying themselves, being social and outgoing all day long. It is actually a national holiday that spans across the cold north in countries like Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Netherlands. Going deeper into Valborg (or Walpurgisnacht) you will see that it is also associated with LaVeyan Satanism and the foundation of the church of Satan. In short description its a form of "religion" that believes in a materialistic egocentric individualism and that every human is his own god and that there is no room for another god. Interesting.

However here it is associated with the first of May and the coming of spring. And something that follows celebrations is high amounts of alcohol. Why do i bother to write about all this first rather than talking about my day during Valborg and trying to give you an idea of how it feels to be there? We will get to that soon. But let me first say what sparked me into starting this conversation.

I was at the bus stop in the city center waiting for some friends to arrive and have a beer before i go home. Something casual nothing really fancy like dancing like monkeys. They were a bit late "cough 20 minutes" so i started looking around trying to read people and guess what they were up to. Next to the bus stop i see a girl slipping down and two of her friends trying to support her. She was completely smashed. I haven't seen a person so drunk since i was at Flogsta on New Year's eve. She could not walk, she could not stand, she could not drag her body and her friends looked a bit drunk too. She leaned forward like Michael Jackson and she managed to hold on for dear life on a little box where they put those free newspapers. Her friends held her head, opened the box and there, in all her glory she started vomiting uncontrollably inside the newspaper stand. Then after 5 minutes of vomiting she stood there with her legs shaking like those liquid dancing guys on YouTube or those newborn deers you see on animal planet where their legs shake and they can't walk. Her friends crashed her on the bus bench and after a while the police came.

But but lets take things from the beginning again.

I was supposed to wake up and meet Dimitris around 9:20 in Stora Torget. I woke up at 8:30 and was unsure if i had the mental and physical power to do that and i stalled and stalled until the end. I mustered some strength and dressed myself and prepared for a long, long day and night. Oh boy i was right...

It was a bit cloudy and i was afraid of rain so i work a grey blouse that was warm enough and hopped on the bus. I met Dimitris right outside Storken which is a nice Fika place for anyone that visits Uppsala and actually is owned by a Greek. Right there was a girl bending over on a stand showing us her butt. I almost said something funny but i am glad i did not. You shall see why.

Dimitris comes and it turns out that that girl bending over was his Greek friend. Hilarious. Sofia is pretty cool and likes my ridiculous, sexual, gossipy style humor and she always complains that i need to stop joking because her tummy hurts. Well i did promise her abs of steel from laughing...

We head out to the Fyrisan river and we are greeted by thousands and thousands of people flocking to see the self-crafted rafts going down the river made out of foam. People of all ages, women, kids, men with picnic baskets and food and drinks trying to get a glimpse of what is happening. We found a place and we were like sardines. I have never felt so tight since my army enlistment day.

We stood there next to some friends from Dimitris's faculty of chemistry. Two of them were a couple and that annoying blonde midget kept telling me to move so she can see. I politely told her to fuck off in Greek and i stood there. How on earth was i supposed to move when there was not even an inch of space? She irritated me as she complained about everyone around while they were hugging and kissing and i felt sick from too much syrup (famous greek phrase).

After countless delays of "15 minutes until we start" and people wearing jeans, swimming suits and flippers the first boats started to arrive. They represented many different stores around the city. What was more interesting was that the first boat was an inflatable one driven by the two same people that started this tradition 40 years ago. Everyone cheered for them and they looked so lively and happy. Everyone was hoping the boats would fall apart and they would fall into the water when traversing the waterfall. Most of them actually made it, some fell apart, some others forgot about everything and started tossing candies to people. Others started throwing water and flour to the rival boats and others used a selfie stick to take pictures. Interesting start to the day really.

Then after countless complaining about cold and that couple by Sofia we regrouped to go to the park behind the Ekonomikum where there was a party like atmosphere. A swedish cute girl with freckles called Belinda greeted me and told me my zippers are a bit down.

"Nice to know that you have been looking down there already" i said.

Everyone giggled and we started walking towards the park. Ridiculous conversations ensued with Dimitris and Sofia and we got to the park. It was like a rock festival. So many people sitting down on the grass, light music playing and loads of food and the smells of grilled food. We found a place and went to the nearest ICA to buy some beer and supplies. I got a six-pack of Lapin Kulta (Kulta = gold in Finnish), chips and a big bag of candies. Sofia was on a diet so she could not decide which cookies or unhealthy chips to buy. Good job.

We were back at the park and we sat down and started drinking and eating. It was like a virus of Greek people as at least 6-7 of us were in the group and more arrived later. Hilarious scenes ensued as me and Sofia spent most of the time looking at a British girl that was so drunk and was directly hitting on a guy that kept pushing her away. She then passed out on the grass and that guy kept throwing plastic bottles at her head. She woke up for a brief moment each time and then died again.

The hours passed and the sun was shining. It was great coupled with the light breeze moving along the area. I could just fall asleep. The internet was clogged from all the people using it so i could contact anyone. Soon i became bored and i also had to go to the toilet. Never ever ever go to a public chemical toilet in a place like that. I haven't seen something so disgusting since i was in the army and the toilet was clogged :D

Hello handsome.

Then just as i was about to leave we witnessed the best scene ever. The British girl was alive again and she jumped on the same guy throwing him to the ground. She immobilized him and started kissing the grass probably because she was too drunk to see where his head was.

The head, where is the head?!

After that i knew that i was complete as a man and i had to leave. I sent a text to Jaime and told him i will drop by his place. In the meantime another friend would arrive later and i would join them for a beer in the city, the same ones i mentioned waiting for when i saw the smashed girl in the center.

After watching Jaime play Sniper Elite 2 again with the hands of a Parkinson's disease patient we went to grill some chicken in the yard. His little sister tried to turn me into a dog, a horse and then a boxing bag.  Jaime managed to overburn the chicken a bit but it was so tasty and we served it with rice, spicy courgette and ketchup. Yum.

He had some of his own issues though so i kept him company until late and we also tried to go see the bonfire that was supposed to be lit around 9pm. Jaime's dad was not much of a boyscout and saw no smoke or fire so we relied on GPS and a map. Then we found it but ehmmm there was no fire at all. Gah.

Back on the bus towards the center waiting for my friends. You already read what happened. So fast forwarding to the part where my friend arrived. She had another friend with her and her boyfriend. Both of them were really cool and happy but had some sort of hidden romance due to cultural misunderstandings. We ended up in Terrassen, a nice bar/restaurant to drink socially and chat.

Waiting in the line with my friend in line a black guy with a hilarious afro turns around and starts talking to me saying that he is the annoying guy in the bar that talks to strangers. I play along and when he asks me what are we doing here i tell him "I am getting married with this girl". His eyes almost pop out and says that he is sorry and he will go fuck himself. Touche.

Then the guy at the bar talks to me and tells me that the bartender is the best in town.

"Nice i hope he can really make my drink because it is very complicated" i say in a fairly serious voice. And i order a beer. He looked confused.

We sit down and start talking. More weird guys join us. Some speak english, some don't. Some start talking me about Serbian prostitutes and places you can get laid in Prague. I already feel more intelligent from those conversations.

Time to go home now. It was a long day. Please drink responsibly. And do not vomit in newspaper stands.

Goodnight Sweden. Though i am not gonna sleep, as Pacquiao vs Mayweather starts in 4 hours! Puss och kram!