I will KFC you to death - An American Horror Story by Claire Newton

***Disclaimer***

Before you start reading, let me clear one thing. This post has nothing to do with the tv-series AHS. Roger that? Nice. Keep reading, except maybe in case you are American. Then close your browser window, forget about this article and go play some Farmville on Facebook.

My name is Claire. I’m the one who wrote the letter mentioned in this (post/place link) and the one you probably blame for not letting Kostas abandon his writing career and save his readers from their misery. Just kidding. Go! Go! Kostas. Keep writing.

I should also mention that I’m a brit-greek, with a morbid combination of the worst qualities from each nationality which makes me a really difficult person. Don’t ask me where I got my honesty and self-criticism, cause I’ve no idea.

Now that I’ve (poorly) introduced myself, I’ll tell you that recently, 16 long days ago to be exact, a Turkish Airlines plane carried me away from home to a land of walking brain dead and moving fat. My 2 hours waiting time in the airport of Istanbul, where the security checked mostly non-muslim passengers and ignored the rest, was my last contact with civilization. My arrival at the Dulles International Airport was the beginning of a long journey in the zombie land.

Prologue

The United States have always been projected as the land of freedom, of democracy, of limitless opportunities. The American Dream is their main export product, the drug they sell and Hollywood is the dealer.

For many years, I thought part of this dream, was actually true and possible to obtain. I say “part of it” because my father made sure to open my eyes every time I was misled, but still, dreams are dreams, they are nice and lovely and pink and fluffy and you can easily believe them even when they stink like horseshit.

My first realization came back in 2010, with my first trip to the States which lasted exactly 28 days. I wrote 2 blog posts for my own blog back at that time under the titles “American Dream” (part 1 and 2). Now that I think of it, I should re-title them “28 days after”. I think it’s proper.

Now, 5 years later, my social experiment is in Phase 2, as I like to call those trips. This time, the unfortunate (crazy) scientist will have to endure not 28, but 88 whole days in this cursed land, where the only true god is Lord Dollar.

After already 17 days, I’m in position to share my first scientific observations with the rest of the world.

Firstly, Americans don’t know how, or what, to eat. They spent a massive amount of money or buying crap. Seriously, they have huge supermarkets where you can find long aisles full of pre-cooked or frozen or ready quick meals, cheap and easy. Cook in the microwave oven for 3’ and eat your shit. You can buy fresh meat of course but if I got it right, they don’t even know how to f***ing cut it! Like, most of the meat pieces were cut like steaks. FFS people.. There are normally, NORMAL people, who actually shop and cook their meals, which is the hard way, but from what I saw, the majority here, choose the easy way.

Secondly, you pay a handful of bucks for the cleaning lady once per week. And while you wait for the cleaning lady, with your dirty clothes making a pile on your fancy walking closet, your house stinks like the horseshit I mentioned. Especially those who have a pet, a dog or a cat, their houses smell like a stable, at best. A house in which if you accidentally hit the wall, you’ll open a hole bigger than your punch.

And don’t get me started about paying someone to do a 1-hour-gardening-job because you are lazy and want to sit in front of a TV for 1 more hour.

Also, people here spent their time at the mall. They don’t have what to do, so they go shopping, or window-shopping, or whatever in a mall. Go fuck yourself at the mall. Go fuck your cat at the mall. Are you bored?? Go to the mall!!! Don’t you have something interesting to do? Go to the f-ing mall!!! That’s where you go when you’re bored. That’s what you do when you have free time. Take your kids to the mall!!!! 

That’s all folks, I have 71 more days and a lot of venom to spit. Stay tuned if you want another sociology lesson.

P.S. I’m not sorry for the long post.

P.S. Sorry i kept you waiting Kostas. You can take an American potato.

 

McFat.

By fire be purged

What another strange day. I could not sleep. I spent hours playing pvp in Guild Wars 2 with Qita mou. It was 09:21 and i felt like i was about to melt in my chair. I gathered all the strength i could muster and headed towards the bus stop.

Life has been hard lately. Searching pockets hopeful of finding some hidden coins and then reveling in excitement when you can finally afford a cinnamon bun is priceless and deeply saddening in the same time.

I sat along Shahar again and tried to pay attention for the next 2 hours talking about dispersion, diffusion and advection in water. We had a computer lab later at 13:00 so that meant 1 hour break from 12:00. Gah. I thought i would go up to the sofa and sleep but it was impossible. At least something happened that made my day.

I received a text file from someone. It was a short story and thoughts that were based on my post from yesterday. I rose up from my pile of ashes and had such a great smile for the rest of the day. She liked what i wrote but more importantly she liked who i am. And what makes it even more important is that she was a friend of my first love, the woman that dominates my memoirs here in this blog. That means i did something right all these years. I am not bad or rotten after all.

I will paste her text on the bottom here but not before i write something else too. While waiting for people to contact me regarding the blog advertisement i tried to think how to motivate myself and write new refreshing things since i do not get out much.

I was thinking about a post on separate topics. Since i was a video game nerd when i was a kid and knew nothing about love and James Bond kissing women on film would make me want to hide i was thinking of adding a category called Awful Gaming Memories. I have a lot of them it should be interesting. So maybe my next post will be tossed straight into that world. Another one based on the fact that Avengers 2: Age of Ultron is premiering next week has got me pumped up on film reviews. Maybe i will look into that as well.

These were some ideas, what do you think about them? Here follows the text as sent from Claire Newton.

Dear Kostas,

Firstly, before I start writing what I have in mind, let me apologize for my mediocre use of English (despite the fact that I’m half British).

And secondly, you’re free to publish this letter as an actual blog post with what you might think as an answer, if you feel like doing so. If you do, please correct any mistakes.

Now, to the point. I’ll try to keep it short. I’ve been following your blog almost from its day #1. I found it accidentally via facebook, and since then I’ve been a constant reader. Some of your posts made me cry and some others made me laugh. But what I liked most, was the fact that you wrote about your life, your everyday struggles, what you saw and experienced. And that I thought was the most sincere and interesting thing someone could write about. I’ve been a “blogger” user for a few years and there was not a single blog I enjoyed as much as I enjoyed yours.

As I said, I’ve been a blogger myself, not only a reader, and I know that sometimes it’s pretty difficult to keep writing. You don’t have the motivation, like you stated. It’s a struggle to maintain a positive attitude towards your blog and your followers. I’ve deleted more than a dozen blogs because of my lack of motivation (and the lack of feedback, my only existing blog counts 87 posts and 14519 views in 5 years). I’ve been there and I honestly and strongly advise you to keep trying. Make a schedule, a plan, anything that could help you write. Keep it short, it’s not mandatory, not even necessary to write long posts. Write for things that might be useful for someone who’d like to visit Sweden or move there permanently (me for example, I’m searching for possible opportunities in both USA and Europe, and I’m more than willing to consider moving to Sweden), like jobs, rents, transportation, anything. I know, some people might Google directly those things, but it’s good to have an opinion from someone who went through the same situation.

I, and I guess many other readers, enjoy your personal posts because they share a somewhat private part of you, a piece of your heart, not only your mind. That’s the best way to know someone. And what’s the point in reading your blog, if not to know you? They are not always happy and positive. Your memoirs made me cry. They really touched me. Not only because the person that inflicted such pain upon you, was a friend of mine (or so I thought for quite some time) but mostly because since I met you, I’ve considered you not just an average nice guy, but a person I respect and with whom I’d like to talk and get to know him. And anyway, no one should have to experience what you did, it’s unfair and so unkind. You don’t have to write about sensitive topics but it’s nice to share more with your readers.
I know, you sometimes write about  how you feel but it’s almost always “soaked” in humor and fun and everyday stuff. Go for something deeper next time. Your blog is mainly a personal/lifestyle one, you can write anything along those lines.

Write about experiences like army for example, there are many young men out there who would appreciate some info from someone around their age that went through the madness and chaos of the Greek Army. Write stuff that could be some kind of help for someone in the vast internet.
Make a post solely to compare Greece to Sweden, or Greek universities to the Swedish, or compare people and habits, anything. Make a post for a specific topic at a time.

I don’t know if I’m helping or not, but I felt like writing and sharing my thought with you was a good idea. It might not be, who cares? 

Don’t give up. Keep it up. Good luck.

Best wishes from Greece

Claire

Thank you Claire. Goodmorning Sweden. It is beautiful to be here these days.

From left to right: Cawa, Vicky and Ippu.