I made my way into the school bathroom trying to keep my composure. I felt sorrow taking over and I fled from the classroom for a brief moment after talking with Olga about things. I closed the door and a few tears were finally set free, feeling hot like sprouting blood, gashing red in color coming out of a fresh wound. It needed to be released.
I came back to class, where I heard the Persian woman give us some words of encouragement, while my greek colleagues were discussing in the other side of the room. I was waiting for the doorbell, just like when back in school, ready to rush towards home and flee the bullies, entering my imaginary world of video games, where I could be whoever I wanted whenever I wanted.
Three...Two...One...Clock was 20:30. Halv nio. Another Kostas drove me towards my home and I shopped a few necessities in the nearby supermarket.
I made it home. I put everything in the fridge, removed my contact lenses and went straight into bed. I went into this deep sleep, creating this new world in my head.
I woke up. I was in my cozy house, feeling the warmth of the nearby radiator comforting my skin on a rainy day. Standing up I noticed the last picture of the girl in the yellow dress. Just standing there on the bed head, smiling, with the flower-band on her head. N for Victory.
I smiled and deep melancholy drenched my soul. Then drums and ominous music took over the premises like in movies, instigating cataclysmic events. I went towards the door. It was a beautiful door, grey in color, made from wood. Wood that was probably marooned in a vast forest from a tiny spit of sand around the globe. There was a shaking of the ground. Should I open the door? Should I just take the blue pill and return to my normal life accepting defeat and being plunged in melancholy, or should I take the red pill and fight my fears head on?
Without hesitation I opened the door. A gigantic tidal wave was making its way towards me, sweeping everything in its path. It crushed houses and dreams. The echoes of the screaming citizens seeing their life's dreams and hard work reduced to ashes rang deep into my ears.
Frozen still, trying to absorb the moment I slowly walked backwards. I accepted the impending doom. I took a last deep breath as the giant wave crashed into my house, creating a large whirlpool that sucked everything inside with tremendous force.
As I accepted my fate and patiently awaited my death, the picture of the girl in the yellow dress was floating close to me. It was made of printed paper so it would quickly dissolve. I tried to grab it with the last bit of strength I could muster but every time I reached to grab it, she magically got away from me...It was time to let go. I closed my eyes and patiently waited for death to grab my hand and we would walk away together.
I felt a cool breeze. Snow. Something was different. I opened up my eyes, not knowing what would appear in front of me. I was on top of a mountain. A mountain so big, surrounded by snow, ice and loneliness. Initially I felt scared. What was going on? There was a burial site made of rocks with a giant cross. I walked towards it and I checked the made up tombstone.
It had my name on it. But something was wrong, it said borne 1988 but the death date was not inscribed. Was I really dead? But then who I was and how I was there?
The tomb was next to a steep edge. Having a fear of edges, I took a deep breath and looked down. It was a deep fall, surrounded by mist and looked like an endless pit, ready to absorb you as you plummeted to your death. But then I saw a valley and a sparkling light. I knew why I was there.
A voice talked to me in a strange language inside my head. I understood.
"All I have to do is jump"
And I jumped. The adrenaline running through my veins, once more expecting to hit the hard rock. But mid-fall it came back to me again. It was time to cut the rope and fly to the dream. Right across the sea into the dark chest of wonders. I dove head first. The mist tried to surround me but I was determined. Determined to endure and move forward. I did not come this far for nothing.
I could hear the voice still inside my head. To my surprise, instead of colliding with the rock I went straight through it, ending up swimming in red waters and instead of going down, I was going up. The water was painted crimson red, like when the sea swallows the sun in the distance. There was a whirl and fish of beautiful colors were swimming around me, propelling me forward. The voice was still talking. Who are you? What do you want from me?
A hand appeared, sprouting out of the waters, waiting for me to reach out and get it. I was afraid. Should I trust a stranger, let alone a voice in my head? Then again what was real? Should I deny a helping hand? Should I cut the hand that tried to rescue me, just because of my own misconceptions?
It pulled me out of the water. I felt safe. Then I witnessed a magical, beautiful place with trees, blossomed pink flowers and peace. I felt peace. The voice spoke to me one last time at that moment.
"The only way you can witness paradise...is to live it."
The ground shook. Someone was trying to invade my paradise and take it away from me. It split open and the earth itself tried to drag me to hell, down to the core. What was happening? Why can't a catch a break?
The big black void ended soon and after traveling through time and space I immediately found myself on the ground in a desert. I took look around and I saw soldiers. Soldiers with a blank stare, ready to follow orders. Ready to kill.
Before I realized what was going on I was handed a weapon. It was an M16 black assault rifle. It had a custom grip and seemed battle scarred. It was the first time in my life I saw it but when I held it I felt some strange familiarity with it. A weird cold pierced my soul. I had killed with that weapon before.
The captain punches me in the face. I can taste my own blood in my mouth.
"When I talk you listen. Now you go in with the others and kill them all. Leave no survivors. If you disobey, I will split your skull with my own hands."
Fear almost took over. Fear of expectation and disobedience. Of punishment and public respite.
Next thing I remember we are rushing through a city, my comrades shooting in cold blood women, children and men. Firing RPG's at households and innocent civilians and laughing with a sinister smile on their faces, brainwashed and cruel.
I had not fired a single shot and I was terrified. The others had brought a few prisoners and laid them down in the burning sand.
"What are you waiting for, put a bullet in their heads. This is what we are meant to do. To kill each other. To laugh at the disdain of others, to stomp on the weak and rule them."
I aimed my gun at the first person. As I looked down the iron sights, he looked at me with an empty stare.
"Remember. Nothing is predetermined. You are the master of your own fate. You might not have superpowers, but you can make your own change. And when you help others, when you help them navigate through obstacles and give them a helping hand, they will seek you, instead of pushing you away. All you have to do is cut the rope and fly. Fly to a dream. All you have to do is jump."
His words echoed into my head time and again. Impatience was brewing among the other soldiers. I lowered my gun. I was free. The major arrived.
"So be it." he said and put a bullet in my head. A giant explosion happened from within. I died. Or so I thought.
I woke up in a beam of light, strapped on a bed. Doctors were passing by noticing that I was finally awake. My left arm was missing. My heart rate elevated and my blood pressure sky rocketed. I could not move. How did I get from my paradise to such a place of pain and suffering?
Ignorance is a fool's bane. I was a fool to believe that my paradise, built in my head was immune to suffering. I have seen things...things that I would wish no one. But I am grateful for them, for they made me the person I am today. And we should be proud for our decisions in the long run, as they are always lead to something better. There may be darkness inside you, but if you face it, it makes it easier for the light to surface out. Believe in yourself as I believe in you. Be the heartbeat of a true heart. You are not alone with that fear.
All you need to do is jump. Take my hand and let's jump together.
